Wednesday, December 28, 2011

"& then one day, she______ "

moved. 
hoped. 
hid. 
prayed. 
laughed. 
ran. 
thought. 
quit. 
screamed. 
waited. 
hurried. 
cried. 
believed. 
wanted. 
wondered. 
doubted. 
wandered. 
sat. 
felt. 
loved. 
lost. 

2012. Why, its just around the corner. Just days stand between yet another passing year. A year that has been "foretold" to bring great duress and destruction. Potential abomination and apocalyptic activity. Perhaps even visits from extraterrestrials...I'm sorry. (laughing). I can't help myself! I suppose such things make perfect sense to those who do not know God's word, -or even God- let alone His promises and warnings for the future years of our world.

That being said- I wait in anxious anticipation for 2012, for I believe something is coming, in my life, that I never could have imagined...

- IF ONLY I COULD JUST KNOW WHAT IT IS!
I feel like I have consulted guidance and counsel from well respected advocates. I have presented multiple scenarios to potentially make movement towards. I have discussed and reevaluated. Prostrated and proposed. Prayed and planned out. - and then... I simply stumbled upon this....

James 4:13
You who say, "Today or tomorrow, we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money" -Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord will it, I will ____"

I think it is fascinating, yet not surprising, that we live in a society that fosters the idea that we can be self proclaimed authors to our own American Dream. That somehow at 18, or 20, or even 25... that we remarkably would be fully equipped with enough skill, knowledge base and financial structure to sustain our independence to the fullest and healthiest state. That by becoming "legal" adults we suddenly are filled with wisdom and discernment and all of the answers. And better yet, that we had to figure out everything by ourselves. I have no idea who decided that. Or who fostered and encouraged that mindset. But that person, or party, or belief system, is nothing more than a fool.
All this time I have been relying on my own strength and resources and skill base to try to figure out what in the world what I want to do with my life. The reason why I think it has been taking it's good ol' time in being discovered, is because I have had a heart like those that James speaks of so frankly. I have been trying to write what has already been written. I've essentially been cheating God of His Master design, believing that I knew more about me than He knew about me. And He created me, so I'm pretty sure that makes Him = 1, Me = None. He is the one who instilled my skills and dreams into my very being. I need to stop saying, "Lord show me what I think I might want to do" and start saying, "If You will it Lord, reveal to me what I was created to do."

so much is about to change. I can feel change just around the corner of a new year. I am starting to feel the purpose of my life creep into motion...
After  moving. hoping. hiding. praying. laughing. running. thinking. quitting. screaming. waiting. rushing. crying. believing. wanting. wondering. doubting. wandering. sitting. feeling. loving. & losing
... then one day, I let go...

& that day, is today.

"If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open; Come near to God, and He, will come near to you." James 1:5-8; 4:8

Thursday, December 15, 2011

down where the sea & city meet

I am giddy with anticipation. With Christmas just a week away I wanted to make a list of the things I have come to dearly cherish & a few things that I am greatly looking forward to.
1. Space, Silence & Discernment:
         The past month has been a whollleeeelotta that for me. And although I fought it tooth and nail, I must admit I think it was the best thing I've received in quite some time. It's hard to be away from some one you love. But often times these days, I think most people let their relationships consume their lives and tend to let the person they are investing in, become a greater investment then the investment in themselves. Some how lines get blurred and without ever intending to, the person we care for has taken precedence in our heart over The One who needs to hold that space to the fullest. This month as been redefining those lines, laying the ground work for becoming a future leader, learning just what it takes to be a strong Christian young woman, and letting God define who I am before I let anyone make a determination. I've gained a huge perspective that I wouldn't trade for the world. & even though there have been times of great pain... God has carried me through, just as He said he would. And I am better for it.

2. Community:
    I never really understood what it meant to have a community. Probably because through out most of my life I never attended a church that stressed community. Of course people were nice and you said hi on Sundays, but that was it! There was no sense of endearing relationships; with genuine interest or anyone challenging me. No one to sort of come alongside you and walk through life with you. News flash. Community is essential! God commands it! It is the key part to growing stronger in your faith. No one was meant to walk this journey of life alone or in isolation. Life's too hard! and anyone who says they don't need community is simply lying to themselves. I have discovered that I have an entire family at my church. I have real relationships, some I feel will be life long. I am forever blessed by those who I have met at LifePoint church and will continue to do life with these people no matter where I am. 

3. Friendship:
     The one thing I am forever blessed by are my friendships. Friendship for me, even when I was in college, was so surface compared to the relationships I have now. That may be due to immaturity or what not. But what I have found is that the smaller the number of friends, the greater depth those relationships uphold. At this point in my life, I simply don't have time to try to win the affections of people that are simply passing through my life. Point blank, I'm certainly not going to lose sleep over how someone feels about me, I know those who are walking beside me day in and out. & those are the people worthy of my time and energy. I encourage you to really to take a close look at the relationships in your life. Ask yourself the hard questions about the people you are spending the most time with. Are they as invested as you as you are in them? If not, probably best to move onward as hard as it may be. True friendships are rare to come by, but when they are discovered, they are worth your effort of preservation.

4. Hope & a Future...
     ah yes. from one of my favorite scripture passages. Hope, I have heard time and time again is the anchor to your soul. Hope is the one thing that every single person wakes up thinking about, whether they realize it or not. God has encouraged me over the past few weeks that above all things I need to have faith, hope and love. Faith in Him, Hope in a future & a great Love for people. He has laid before me some really exciting/ nerve racking/ just-what-I-may-have-been-waiting-for opportunities, that I feel He is simply giving me the freedom to chose which way to go. & so the next month will probably consist of just that. I believe that 2012 will be a big year for what God will do in me. And I must say that excites me more than anything. He is repairing & preparing me heart. And I simply cannot wait to see what is lies just ahead.
I am happy, grateful, hopeful, blessed, inspired, ready & willing. 
Yes <3
                                                                                                                          
Oh Christmas lights
Light up the streets
Light up the fireworks in me
May all your troubles soon be gone
Those Christmas lights keep shining on....

Saturday, December 10, 2011

the waiting game

if my heart is overwhelmed
and I cannot hear Your voice
I'll hold on to what is true, 
though I cannot see...

Angst. 

That is probably the closest word to sum up my heart in the hours that will lead into tomorrow.

Have you ever been clueless as to how to enter into a circumstance? Not quite sure what to say. or what to do. Maybe its been addressing a co worker, or a family member. A peer. A significant other. a friend. Maybe its a been a decision you have spent months praying about.
& despite hours of discernment.
& cognition.
& contemplation.
& sough out advice.
& wonder.
& rehearsal.
& your certainty of articulation and intent...

you know nothing of what lies ahead. 

Victory. Defeat. 

who knows? who cares, really.

The past month has been comprised of all said things. I feel like I've become a human sponge. And that I am constantly trying to take in as much as I can. But sometimes to the point of utter exhaustion.
I have to admit tonight I am a tad weary.
Uncertainty has crippled me. And my heartache hangs in cupped hands....


If the storms of life they come,
& the road ahead gets steep,
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe... 

I have learned a lot of things over the past month. Nothing I take for granted. I am blessed by fresh eyes. A new song. and above all things, Freedom. Self discovery is the hardest thing anyone can ever do. It involves being so raw with the person that we too often try to portray as having it all together; ourselves. It is so easy to glance at the person beside us and see what their life looks like, next to ours. and say hey, I'm doing pretty well...But when we compare our lives to Jesus. The only One truly worth comparing a life to, are we really measuring up all that well? I was not. This month has been completely devoted to trying my best to re-align my life with The Life that left the greatest impact this world has ever seen.

The process has been anything but easy. It may in fact be the hardest thing I've ever done. & sacrifices have been made. & will be made. All in what I have to trust tonight is for my greatest good.

Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. Proverbs 8:34
Tonight I am simply waiting. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for change. Waiting for healing. Waiting for a new direction. & I must admit, the waiting is filled with fears of doubt in God's goodness. Fear of what my heart can and can't handle. Fear of where God is calling me to go and do.

"I remind myself of all You have done.
& the life I have, because of Your Son..." 

In this past month of heightened discernment, I have been given this;  "You are meant for greatness."
I have no idea in what context that implies, or where those words will ring true. Or just when that "aha" moment will set in. But that is what God has laid on my heart. Tonight I am doubting God's goodness. I am scared to trust. But when I take a small glimpse on what God has done in my life in just a year... How could I not trust that He has only goodness to offer me? He has given me fresh eyes. a new song. and above all things, Freedom.
He has given me: "You, are meant for greatness." 

How can I possibly have fear or angst tonight. How can I possibly doubt Him.

but those who wait upon the Lord
will renew their strength. 
they will soar on wings like eagles; 
they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

& tonight will be nothing more, than a waiting. 
Mountain high, or valley low. 
I'll sing out, remind my soul
that I am Yours. I am forever Yours.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Perfect in Weakness

I scrapped my knees when I was praying,
& found a demon in my safest haven.
The past couple weeks have been heavy.
Heavy in contemplation,
great in reflection.
but mostly, in self preservation.

Most people know that I battled, and still do from time to time, with what served as an all-thought- consuming eating disorder. Much of this was fueled by comparing myself to other females for more than half of my life. And the strict requirements set by a disillusioned culture forced me to seek out reassurance from dudes who really had no premises for judgement. Essentially, I was seeking out my worth. I had no idea what it was because it was distorted my a reflection in a mirror, drained by advertisements featuring, what now appears to me, as prepubescent, malnourished models, ultimately binding me to a lie that I was ill sufficient. This has been a great journey to overcome. And something I still work through daily.
That being said, when I look back on this time, I tend to have no real recollection of who I was, because I was endlessly trying to be something I was not. Dreams came and went, and most of my time was spent preoccupied trying to hold the attention of another person as long as I could, just so I wasn't alone.

I too, had succumbed to the strenuous bondage of life.
& the enemy worked in over time to keep me there.
Looking back I think he worked so hard to keep me there because he knew just how much potential, in Christ, I possessed.

I never really took the time to examine who I was crafted to be. Yeah I wasn't a bump on a log... but I certainly didn't expound much time or energy learning who I was, or who I could be.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. 1st Tim 1:15-17
I've spent this week realizing how far I have come in one year. And I decided tonight, I would try something new. For once, I wanted to share with you the things that I have discovered about myself: some that I have always known, and was simply reminded of. Somethings I never imaged for my life, and some that I believe to be a part of who God made me to be, that will be revealed in due time. Things I am proud of. And here there are:


1. The Lord taught me this year that I am good friend. Although I am far from perfect, I think one thing that I am committed to are my friendships. God taught me much of what it takes to be considered a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I hope I never take for granted the time that I have spent with those I value, and who value me.
2. The Lord has revealed to me that I possess a gift. A gift that is sacred and not to be exploited or defamed. The Lord has blessed me with an ability to capture the heart of a person in an image, than can be preserved, long after the person in the image is gone. Photographing people was never something I quite saw myself excelling in. As an artist, I have always been fascinated by portraiture and faces, but this year God exposed the tool by which I would capture glimpses of many souls that I will encounter for years to come. I am honored to carry this gift so graciously entrusted to me, and hope that I will only be able to use it for something to warrant changed hearts.
3. The Lord has set me free from bondage. For years now, I have been trapped in sinful relationships. I finally fell in love with a person who loved God more than he loved me. & it changed how I saw everything. It allowed me to walk forward into total freedom, to leave an old way of life behind, forever.
4. The Lord re instituted my worth. My seeking for worth in people has left me. God took me, a person who believed marriage was a broken tradition in a culture who glamorized every aspect of marriage but the sole reason of what it was meant to be. Waiting til I was married made no sense to me. There was no reason why I should ever marry into what would only result in brokenness. The Lord harnessed my restless, bitter and contrite heart... and allowed me to believe that He created a person for me, who is my Beloved. Who is alive and breathing as we speak. He is a man of God. He will be a faithful husband, an endearing friend... and above all things... a nurturing father. And that man is worth waiting for. & I for him. 
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: 
The Lord makes us Perfect in Weakness. 


I was as weak as they would come. as sinful as they would come. and in my humility, in my weakest moments, both then... and now... He brought about change... to reveal the nature of Himself to those who would come to know Him by such an example. 


But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
-Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."- 2 Corth 12:9



The moment we realize we are broken, The moment God can enter in to that space, and begin your transformation.




Today was a day of great weakness.
Today was a day of great perfection. 
Today I am proud of the person God has made me.
Today is the strongest I have ever felt, in my life. 

Perfect in weakness

I'm only perfect in just Your strength alone