Monday, May 28, 2012

If there was one piece of advice to give to a parent..

First off, I'm not a parent. The older I get, the more respect I gain for parents. For all that they sacrifice, for endless hours, of physical & emotional output. For the time they invest in cultivating character & for my Christian friends who are parents, making the pursuit of Christ a priority even in developing minds of children.

Because I am no parent, I really don't see a point in telling a parent how to raise a child, what is beneficial for them etc. However, I have seen the same example of a behavior, repeatedly that has left me completely heart broken. It has made me want to grab the parental by the face and go...
wake. up. please.

So I figured that I would blog about it, since that's where I tend to unleash most of my unspoken cognitions anyway.

Multiple times now, I have first hand witnessed parents out with their younger aged children... texting the entire time that their kids are begging for their attention.

It makes me sick.

2 scenarios to date within the same week:

1. Little boy walking out of a gaming store. Dad puts him in the car. Little boy is gabbing away about how excited he is to play with his dad. Says things like, "Come on daddy, are you ready to go? I am so excited to play with you etc." Dad, on the outside of the vehicle, cigarette in one hand, phone in the other.. " (Name-) Just be quiet a minute! I need to send this message. It is incredibly important." 5 mins later. Still on the phone. Doesn't lift his face out from his phone, except to take another inhalation of his cigarette.

2. Dad takes little girls out to dinner. Girls are coloring and asking him questions. Dad doesn't lift up his head from the phone even once during the entire meal with his two small, sweet daughters.

Part of me literally wanted to rip the phone out of their hands and say "PAY ATTENTION TO THEM- THEY NEED YOU. YOU ARE THEIR WORLD! One day because you don't give them the attention they need now, the declaration of their worth NOW, they will go looking for it elsewhere. Your stupid phone can wait!"

I know we are now living in a culture flooded by cell phones, texting, emails, & social media. But I can't help but think that we are losing touch just a little when we start neglecting those who are sitting right before us. The one's that God is asking us to be pouring into, presently.

I am not a parent. But I am so tired of seeing parents blinded to this. In a few years, when your child wanders off and is searching for the attention they needed from you beforehand, maybe they will have an "app" for you to figure out how to reach them. You are missing the opportunity and the responsibility they have been given to nurture and cherish the time that their children are seeking THEM out for attention.

One day, that will end. And you won't be as important to them as you once were.

I am not a parent.
I am not a parent.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Architecture

*I'm an architect, of days that haven't happened yet...


ar·chi·tect
1.   One who designs and supervises the construction of buildings or other large structures.
2.   One who designs and guides a plan or undertaking
Has anyone else felt like this has been "run around like a headless chicken" week?


I don't know about you, but between photo shoots, scheduling upcoming shoots, editing past shoots, working. working. working, serving at church, planning to serve more at church, bible study, getting ready to move, seeing the boyfriend who is always a.) working b.) touring or c.) serving at church, keeping up with friends and family members, taking care of a crazy pit bull baby, maid of honor duties for one of my best friend's wedding, which is rapidly approaching, and a potential trip to Africa *praying praying praying* in July... I'm just a wee bit tired.


I have virtually planned every single day of my life from now until after mid August. With little to no room for deviation.


And of course the big girl questions are still buzzing about... like grad school or seminary ... or photo journalist....or national geographic .... or.... ____________ you fill in the blank! 


I have found myself exhausted by rigidity. But I often find that I lack framework for any other method to living. From the moment we are little its always about getting to whats next. The next birthday, the next grade...the next activity... then it progresses to the next 4 years of high school, then to the next 4 years of college... then to "the next step" in relationships and careers... 


I'm going to be 23 years old in October. When did that happen? Now in no way am I saying I am '"old" by any stretch, but I cannot deny that with each passing birthday, I feel time moving just a little faster... and I am slightly afraid of it. Afraid of scheduling myself to the point of passing days without intent and purpose.... So focused on getting to the "next" _________ that by the time I arrive I will feel as though everything was rushed in the process. 
"Now listen, you who say, "today or tomorrow, we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money..." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this... or that..." - James (the man) 4:13-15


This (no coincidence) was the verse in my devotional for today. I wrestled with what Ms. Joyce Meyer had to say about living ahead in the future instead of the present. She modeled her discussion off of this verse and wrote that we can plan whatever we want, but if it's not in the Lord's will for our lives, it won't happen. And even if plans "follow through" it may result in a harder road, because we chose our way, instead of the Highway (ya see what I did there ;)


How can I not be planning for my future? So much of who I am is a planner. Having an agenda is how I function! And of course, my mind wanders a little bit ahead of me sometimes... it seems appropriate to try to have a timeline, or time frame... orderliness... And then I realized. I've fallen victim to "the next" epidemic. 


Maybe we all have. And maybe it's a result of our condition. But I have to keep remembering that the God I serve is beyond time. Above a schedule and above my simple simple plans. He isn't watching the clock. And He certainly isn't following my itinerary. He is a God of freedom. Of interruption. Of "out of the blue"...


& I can be honest that, those things scare me a little. I was humbled today by how small I really am. How I'm really not that important. And how I spend the "mist" of time that I am here is actually quite crucial when looking at the bigger picture...


it's also no coincidence I heard this song today...



*"People today are trying to define themselves by what they can get out of life:
What they wear, how they look, how much stuff they have, what kind of car they drive.
I've been to a lot of funerals and have never yet eulogised for a person for any of that kind of stuff.


It's always about the relationships.


Were they kind? Were they generous? Did they help others?
It's always what they talked about because that's all that really counts in the end.


The people you touched are your real legacy. 
You're not defined by what you take from this world.
The fact is you won't take anything with you.
You're defined by what you leave behind, what you give to this world and by how you impact other people."

Sometimes, it's quite frightening how easily we lose sight of why we are here. I suppose that's why the Lord constantly is reminding us to remain humble.. and to constantly seek Him. The moment we forget Him, we instantly will fall back on serving ourselves. And as the Lord has proven time and time again, we will always fail ourselves, despite our greatest attempts...


One of my favorite verses is John 15:15... it simply states "apart from me, You can do nothing." Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing.
I have never interpreted that as a calloused and pious statement... but rather, a desperate urge to accept a deafening truth... I can feel Jesus begging us to understand, how much we need Him, trying to get us to see the great dependence we should have on Him. 


I've discovered so much of my disease is the desire for control. But I don't think I'm the only one who is seeking it. We may have different techniques or methodologies on how we carry out the desire... but the desire exists regardless. I didn't create myself. So how do I know how I work? Why would I ever assume I know what's best or that I have all the answers? Was I there when life began? When the universe was constructed together? When life was breathed into man from the dust of the earth? no. No, I am no Architect. But I do know a pretty good One... 
I think I should just leave the construction of my days up to the One who called my days into being, don't you agree? 
"It's been said that there's only two ways to live: You can either love things and use people, or you can love people and use things.

I've made my choice. I'm going to love people.

People, they last forever. Everything else just burns. Everything else just burns."



*John Mayer. Face to Call Home 
*Shirock. Everything Burns 

Monday, May 7, 2012

I'm bigger than my body

“That’s sad. How plastic and artificial life has become. It gets harder and harder to find something…real.” Real love, real friends, real body parts…”― Jess C. ScottThe Other Side of Life
When I started this blog back in 2010, I really had no clear vision for what I intended it to be. I knew that rapid changes were occurring, and I wanted to find a way to write everything down so that I wouldn't miss or forget the transformation that was before me. As my writing progressed, it was then later on that the Lord revealed to me that my blog needed to serve as an tool of transparency. He asked me to be open and honest here. To not withhold the struggles and complexities of my life from it. To be authentic. To be clear and to the point. He asked me to be a vessel. He asked me to be genuine. with myself. and with you. 
I'm not really sure the exact moment when it all started. I didn't wake up one day and decide I didn't want to eat anymore. I also didn't decide to allow pervasive and at times, all consuming thoughts about my dissatisfaction with my physical appearance to flood my mind on a daily basis. I never wanted to care about something that was so perverse and dysfunctional... I also never wanted to have control over something that had complete control over me.
We can say its a result of our culture. Or a result of a chemical imbalance. Or from unnatural expectations. Or from insecurity. Or from a fatherless generation... or from men... Or women. Whatever we say it doesn't change the fact that *8 million Americans (that means women & men) are suffering from an eating disorder.
*"Although many people feel dissatisfied with some aspect of their appearance, these concerns usually don't constantly occupy their thoughts or cause them to feel tormented. But for some people, concerns about appearance become quite extreme and upsetting. Some people become so focused on imagined or minor imperfections in their looks that they can't seem to stop checking or obsessing about their appearance."
*95% of those with eating disorders are between the ages of 12-25...
 *Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate among mental illness. Not sure if anyone has realized this or not... but an eating disorder is a self-inflected mental disorder. 
I believe that it is natural that we all have something that we which was different, or that we could change about ourselves... but not to the point of self starvation.... self induced vomiting... laxatives... diet pills... extreme, radical demonstrations. 
“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
― Cheri K. Erdman.
Something is very wrong here. In a country where we have been INFINITELY blessed by abundance... I have found myself spending some days doing nothing but trying to avoid what has been so graciously, undeservedly given to me. 
I have an unhealthy relationship with food. 
I have a very, distorted body image.
I am one of the 8 million Americans who has an eating disorder
I am one of 8 million Americans who has an eating disorder who was made and loved by Jesus. 
“Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.” ― Fiona Apple
The entire dilemma that lies in battling mental illness is often times the will to want to be better, to want to change or be different. Despite the fact that I hate the immense amount of cognitive energy I waste on obsessing about all of this, doesn't void the terrorizing idea of what life would look like without the routine of this. I want to let go of the control... but the thought of not having the control is what is paralyzing. 
This type of thinking is not limited to mental disability... but rather, a perfect image of what our entire faith in the Lord looks like. We do not possess the control. The Lord asks us to surrender daily, because the freedom He can offer us beyond the "security" of our strongholds is incomprehensible. All we need to do is unclench our fists. 
“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetic herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”― Steve Maraboli
I needed to write this down. And as hard as it is for me, the more that I discuss it, the less pervasive it becomes. The more I share, the easier it gets. The more fellowship I am a part of, the more heartfelt prayer I receive. The more light I cast upon it, the more darkness is diminished. 
you know, It may come across to you as something really silly. Something that I should just "get over" or something that "I must be crazy for thinking." & maybe I should just get over it. & Maybe, just maybe I am crazy. But I have been often reminded that Jesus didn't carry His cross so we didn't have to. He carried His cross, so that we could carry ours. 
This is my cross. My heavy burden. And despite the weaker areas of my life, my prayer is that one day, I will be able to help others like me. That my testimony will demonstrate what Jesus has already done & what He can do in the life of a broken person. He has already won this battle for me. Whether I never have total freedom in this life from it, He has already secured freedom from it in the next. & I'm ok with that. 
“Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it's about knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can't have it.” ― Geneen RothWomen, Food, and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything
Someday I'll fly. Someday, I'll soar.
Someday I'll be, so much more. 
Because I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.
 *National Associate for Anorexia and Associated Eating Disorders

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Untitled

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road....

I spent a lot of time last night trying to process my day yesterday. It was a day that was the result of weeks of God bending me, twisting my arm, and shedding some light in the unaddressed areas of my heart. I was actually left speechless in just how apparent He made himself yesterday. But I'll give you some background info first
- And please let me also say, this is not easy for me to share. But my hope is that it is used to glorify what God is doing in my life. 


For most of you who know me, I graduated from college last May. It's really hard to believe its been a year already...In some ways,  I feel like that was just a few months ago... But in other ways, I've grown so much since then, it feels like a life ago. 


Most of my classmates had a very leisurely senior year, due to completing most of their requirements for graduation in the bulk of their junior year. Not I!. I decided to take on a second major before entering my senior year, with hope that it would potentially providing more opportunities for me in the future. I spent my entire summer enrolled in painfully hot classrooms, studying and trying my best to meet now 2 major(s) requirements before graduating. Needless to say I was exhausted. But I was certain this would only open up more doors for me at a later time... 


I walked off the stage last May with a piece of paper in my hand that was my "security" for the workforce, or at least that was what I had been told for years. Get a college degree and you're like set, Right? Wrong. 


Here I am almost a year later of job searching, application submitting, praying etc and my first job post those 4 years of hard work and dedication winds up being the exact job that I did prior to graduating; working in a restaurant. 


I kinda sat there and was like, "Really Lord? I mean, did you not happen to notice the 4 years I put into going to school so that I wouldn't have to work there anymore? Not really sure what You're up to..." 
People have asked me how it was going and I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to bring it up. I was essentially being a pious brat. 


Now here's the thing. The Lord has exposed somethings to me about myself that have been down right ugly. I am no saint lol. But the one thing that I was never really aware of, was my pride. 


pride
noun
1.
a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity,importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct
Some where in amidst the wonderful institution that education is, I became disillusioned, without ever really realizing. 

sometimes, I feel such agitation in my bones that I am not being used to my full potential. I sit there and pray, "Lord, I know you give us a taste of heaven so that we never settle for less(2nd Corinthians 5)...Use me and my gifts! Send me! Let me be of use. Let my abilities expand your Kingdom- why in this world are you limiting my capacities?!"


*Shrugs Shoulders*


It was no surprise to me that the verse of the day in my devotional for yesterday was this:


When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

Slightly agitated by the oh-so-ironic-coincidence, I meditated over the verse as I walked into my first day at my new job a little hard hearted, but still willing to endure... (Do you get a sense of my swollen ego?!- pious brat)


It was there, in a restaurant, in my home town, did Jesus radiate through the pious walls of my heart. I had the opportunity to share my faith with not one, not two, not even three- but 6 people yesterday... 6 souls, yesterday...The way conversations began didn't even make sense! One young man asked me about my tattoos, allowing me to share the stories behind them... (hence why I have them, they are sometimes, my greatness witnessing tools- #tattooadvocate) Another lady asked me about the ring I wear on my ring finger, in which I was able to explain how the Lord had restored my purity to me, and I was now waiting for my husband. Another person just asked simply because I prayed over my food before I ate, something that I usually forget to do!.... 


I was in awe of how present He was in my day, in the last place I expected Him to be. I couldn't have ignored it if I tried. 


And of course, the best for last. One of the servers who works with me has a miraculous testimony of how God healed her from a 2 year debilitating illness. She walked up to me at the end of the night and said this to me:


"Hey, I remember you say from the other day that this isn't the job that you envisioned for yourself post graduating, but you know, God's plan for our lives is so much greater than we understand... He is going to use you, no matter where you are, You don't know what He's doing, you just have to trust Him... (here's the Jesus slap across my face-)
...Just let go of your Pride. It's going to be ok." 


In total disbelief... all I could do was thank her. 
She replied, "I just felt the need to tell you that."


A complete stranger who doesn't know me at all, or anything about my life- other then the fact that I simply said, "this isn't the job I thought I would have post graduating," spoke the very truth to me that I had been wrestling with for weeks.
Pride. 
How did she know? 
How did she know the very words to say to me to lift my head to the sky? 


I walked out of that restaurant last night, changed. humbled. and more faithful than ever. 


I wanted to write this down to help anyone who may be feeling like they are not where they are supposed to be. It is something I have wrestled with for half of my life. Believing that the something they feel is the right thing for their life is not yet unfolding. If you are getting weary in God's faithfulness, remember the times He was faithful to you and hold onto that moment, even if its from minute to moment. I've heard it a thousand times, that God's time and our time aren't the same... and I never understood until yesterday, just what that really looked like. 
I was in great need of a swift reminder of His great power. I hope this will be nothing but an encouragement to your morning, and your walk with the Lord. His timing is perfect. 
Trust Him. I promise, He is there. Ever good, Ever faithful. 
Praying for us all. 


....Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know