Saturday, June 23, 2012

I'm going back to the start

*Come up to meet You 
Tell You I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely You are
I had to find You
Tell You I need You....
Tell You I set You apart....



For the majority of times, people take vacations for leisure. A break from their day to day. A chance to spend more quality time with those closest to them. A vacation, or a retreat provides a needed space in order best receive clarity and restoration. Vacation, however,  doesn't necessarily have to involve traveling to a far distant land and staying in a really expensive hotel, eating tons of food, sight seeing, and tons of cash flowing. A vacation exists when we provide ourselves enough space from the norm to really hear from God in attempt to allow a more collected and restored individual to return. For me, that space was about 6 hours away, on an simple beach, at 5 in 
the morning. 
Two essential components to my personality:
1. I hate reading.
2. I love planning.


On this trip, God allowed me to love reading & hate planning.


*"We need to stop plotting the course & instead just land the plane on our plans to make a difference by getting to the "do" part of faith- That's because love is never stationary. In the end, love doesn't just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. Simply put: Love Does."


I had never heard of Bob Goff before I cracked open my copy of Love Does, but after 4 days of reading and being about 25 chapters in, (5 more to go!) I feel like I have gotten to know Bob fairly well. In just our very short interactions, (Bob doing most of the talking, me doing most of the crying, laughing & jaw dropping, knee slapping, hand raising... etc... ) I have been more challenged than I think I have through out this entire year. 


Bob has painted a clear and overt picture for me to grasp... that God isn't waiting around taping His foot for me to figure out what He has supposedly asked of me... & He certainly isn't withholding Himself from me either... In fact... my perceived distance of God is rather laughable... as I've discovered on this trip that He is closer to me than ever.... That His relentless pursuit is actually real and tangible... and all He has ever asked of me is to believe that He is who He says He is.... everything else has just been added burdens that I've placed on myself....


"Maybe there are times when we think door has been closed & instead of misinterpreting the circumstances, God wants us to kick it down. Or perhaps just sit outside of it long enough until somebody tells us we can come in..."


I'm not going to lie to you. This year has definitely not been what I planned for it to be. I assumed by rapidly approaching 23 I would have discovered the cure for cancer or something of grander... Ok so not that big, but I did assume that like many young adults my age I would have discovered "what I wanted to do with my life" by now. If nothing else I have grown weary and jaded by the immense pressures of our society and how everything in this county is based on what is deemed "successful." Even the most Christlike people can have this manipulated perspective based on how our culture functions. Colleges, Education, Careers, etc seem to  be what is defined as success. The American Dream is to work really really hard, come from nothing and make yourself something 
important.


I know someone who torched their American dream and literally sacrificed everything to follow the call of God on her life. Her name is Katie Davis. She literally fell in love with the people of Uganda, said goodbye to dreams of college, her plans to marry her boyfriend, her church, her friends, her family, her comforts... to travel to one of the poorest countries in the world where she would become the mother of 15 orphans who lost their parents from AIDS. I know that God does not call each of us to a life like Katie's..... but man, do I envy a faith like Katie's.



Tell me Your secrets
And ask me Your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles; coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart...

I've spent an entire year staying stationary because I was too afraid I'd miss something. Instead of doing something I did nothing because that seemed to be safer. I would simply wait, I thought til God made it apparent where He wanted me to go.... or do or.... But the truth is, He was there the entire time providing me the free choice of what I wanted to do. He isn't asking me to have all the answers, to have everything be lined up perfectly, He is simply asking me to be engaged & present. He is asking me to "Be" & to "Do." 

"He is asking us, "Will you take what you think defines you, leave it behind & let Me define who you are instead?" He asks if we'll give up that thing we're so proud of, that thing we believe causes us to matter in the eyes of the world, & give it up to follow Him. He wants us to bring all of the faith we have to Him, even if it's just a dime's worth.... He Himself is what we have the chance to trade for...& What we'll have in exchange for knowing Him is everything we've accumulated during our lives and are standing on the porch holding on to...."


Yes. at 22 years old, I've had an identity crisis.... but sadly, its been a crisis in everything that doesn't even matter. 
I've demanded big things of God, but couldn't trust Him in the smallest ways. I wanted answers but couldn't shut my mouth from complaining long enough to hear a thing. I ran to everyone and anything that could give me some insight into the only One who had every thing waiting for me. Perhaps I am an idiot. Or maybe just a human. Even now I can feel His grace flooding over me as I am moved to tears while smiling....
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart....



What I have discovered on this very short vacation is that I needed a vacation from myself. I had become so focused on what I was going to do, how things were going to be provided, what securities I would need, that I was blinded. I simply was missing the entire point. Even now as I've been seeking God for the past two years, I was still entangled in the bondage of trying to be the savior of my own universe. For the first time, in a long time, I've been silenced. & I think I will be quiet a while longer... 
"Jesus is asking me and the rest of the world to stop faking it. He wants us to fight the temptation to merely have the right wrapper and instead be exactly who He made us to be & who we are, right where we are..."


I'm going back to the start of my faith.
I'm going to plan nothing & believe in everything.
I'm going to read more & speak less.
I'm going to start trying to find out who God is & not who I'm supposed to be.
I'm going to start being & doing.
I'm going to back to the start & let God lead me to the end. 


...NO BODY SAID IT WAS EASY...

"For those who resonate with formulas, here it is: add your whole life, your loves, your passions and your interests together with what God said He wants us to be about and that's your answer...." 

What I've also discovered on this trip is that God is closer to me than ever... That He has placed signs and signals all over this world to catch my attention... I just haven't been looking... 


at 5 am, I got up to photograph the sunrise... My photos can't really capture the beauty of those moments... But I figured I would share with you the beauty that was painted for me that sacred morning. The morning when I knew that everything was going to be alright... That I didn't have to make any plans because there already was a plan... All I needed to do was just to stop, take in what was around me, before me, breathe deep & believe.... 
...Hear the sounds of meager praise, 
through the squalls & breaking waves... 


I really want to tell Bob Goff thank you for the encouragement He provided me this week. Good thing He included his phone number in the back to call Him" if I wanted to process any of what He wrote about"... I plan on calling him. I need to make sure that I remember to do that when I write my book someday... 
"His name for us is Beloved. He hopes that we'll believe Him. He hopes we'll start to see ourselves as His Beloved, rather than think of all the reasons we aren't...."



*Lyrics from The Scientist by Coldyplay
*Quotes from Love Does by Bob Goff

Sunday, June 10, 2012

a personal peek into my gratitude

I am grateful for what I have
My thanksgiving is perpetual...
O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches.
No run on my bank can drain it
for my wealth is not possession, but enjoyment. Henry David Thoreau.

For most of my blogging journey, I blog about my insecurities or strife, struggles & uncertainties. Yet, ever so often I find it most necessary to write down my present joys and gratitude. June has been off to an amazing start, and I have felt overwhelmed with encouragement, despite resurgent worries or discouragements. I decided to make this one very personal. :)  


1. Rehobeth.
my mother and I recently ventured off to the unexplored land of Rehobeth, DE. I found it hard to believe that despite the many trips I've taken to Ocean City, just 20 miles south of Rehobeth, I had never been to what was one of the coolest and quaintest communities. I was blessed by a California king sized bed, fantastic food, morning prayer time on the beach, and some much needed quality time with my mama. I believe I cherished our laughter most. Any time spent with my mom is sacred time... she is my greatest advocate. Rehobeth was our escape. The trip was much needed medicine for both of our hearts. I didn't want to come home.




2. The amazing, anointed, and heartfelt community that is my 
church family.
So many times I stop and look at the people who have flooded my life for the past two years, and I am left in awe. I've lived, what, almost 23 years in this community? (UGH, YIKES, DEATH, MANHATTAN.... half kidding....) where WERE these people all of my life? Did I simply walk past them and not notice them? Would I have missed knowing any of them had I not stepped into my church almost 2 years ago? I don't even want to think of it! The Lord has taken many friends out of my life, some for good reason, some that I will never quite know the reason... but if He has not surrounded with some of the truest friendships... I have been beyond blessed by the people the Lord has placed to walk alongside of me in this season of life; younger, older, male, female. All broken people, all loved by God. All people who want nothing else but to know Jesus more. 
Now for those of you who know me well, I was never the bible study girl. I didn't do "women's" anything. Girls weekends... women's retreats or gatherings... or the worst.... Ladies tea?!?!... no thank you. - However- I decided to give this bible study a chance... I figured how bad could it really be?...
& once again, God blew my feeble mind with goodness. I have been so blessed by my bible study ladies. I have been showered by laughter, prayer, encouragement & above all else, challenge. We have just begun a new study on the life of David that will carry us into late August. I am so excited to be on this journey with them...
(( + a few more ladies who are not in the pictures... I have no forgotten you...!<3))
 To my sweet friends & church family... thank you for loving me for me. For every single quirk and imperfection. You have demonstrated Jesus to me & have left a lasting impression on my heart.

3. Patience. 
     Wait verb \ˈwāt\ : to stay in place in expectation
Something that I have been challenged with lately by my dear friend Chelsea is expectation in waiting on the Lord to make movement. To not simply be walking through life allowing time to pass or living for myself or trying to make my dreams happen. But to be waiting patiently, trusting in full confidence that the Lord will reveal himself to me. To be earnestly seeking & presently reminded of His relentless pursuit of my heart. Some days, that just has to be enough. The calling of my life may not be unveiled to me when I wish it to be... but it does not mean that the Lord does not already have it for me. It may seem commonplace to you... but this is daily struggle of mine... to be expectant and trusting that the Lord has something for me... and it will be revealed in His perfect time... in the mean while I will be waiting, soaking up the opportunities that lay before the passing months, days, even moments... I am beyond grateful for His perfect timing... & that it's really not up to me after all... #patientlywaiting
Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 37:9 
4. All that awaits me.

The following weeks & months ahead, I believe, will be filled with some of the greatest joys I can foresee. I finally have been blessed with a new car, which I am picking up tomorrow! This will allow me to finally make the step in moving out of my home... although this is a bittersweet process, I am looking forward to the scary, yet empowering step into adulthood as I gain a new journey & two amazing ladies as sisters & roommates :) (if you will). I will be spending the end of June on the Outer banks of North Carolina with my beloved David & his dear family.
July is filled with photo shoots & weddings... leading right up to one of my best friend's wedding, who's getting married in early August. & as I head into the fall, thus begins planning and praying for my journey to Ethiopia. For all that lies ahead of me... in 2012... & for all of my days... I am blessed.
...Just having you follow along my life with me, is a joy in itself.... 
I am grateful. I am thankful. Praise be to Jesus.
As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily.  The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.  ~Terri Guillemets

Friday, June 1, 2012

what is a friend?


Today I was blessed. Blessed beyond words. Moved to tears, I was reminded that when God takes away... He provides... & often times... provides something that far surpasses what was removed....

"Thanks for letting me process things with you. I have loved learning alongside of you. I know we have greater things yet to come, in our friendship and in our personal lives. You have been given way too much for it to not be used. I have no doubt God is molding something for you to be placed in your life at just the right time. You came to me at the exact time I needed it, and I didn’t even know it or realize it till much later. In the same way, I know God is taking you where He wants you. Whether it is what we have planned, that I cannot say. But I do know this: it will good, and it will add to the fullness of your life. He promises. And I just can’t wait to look back again in a year or two and realize what God did right now that we didn’t see or understand while it was happening.

Lindsey Plevyak I am so proud of who you are and who you are becoming. It’s beautiful and I’m so glad to be a part of it. So here’s to you. To us not getting the things we think we want, and getting the things we didn’t know we  needed at just the right time and to God working out all the details in a way only He can."

Always & forever...

all my love, sacred friend. 


"Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter:
                                               whoever finds one has found a treasure.
Faithful friends are beyond price;
no amount can balance their worth.
Faithful friends are life-saving medicine;
and those who fear the Lord will find them.”-Sirach 6:14-16