& Ill tell all the world...

It's 730 in the Far East region of Africa. I'm sitting outside the guest home. Sounds of Muslim worship mixed with children's laughter are radiating the streets.

I can see my breath.

Thoughts of how I will be boarding a plane in just a few short hours to head back to the only normalcy I've ever know is a little hard to believe. I feel like I've time traveled to ancient world, some how existing in modern day. I've seen so much that doesn't seem fair.
& I find myself trying to grasp how to possibly do life again when I land in Washington DC, 2012. (It's 2005 here)

Will I so easily step back into my routines and roles. Will I be entangled with things that really hold no true purpose or value.

I tried to envision myself drinking a latte in Starbucks. And the woman who spent all she had to prepare a coffee ceremony for me, a guest in her humble home, that took almost an hour to be ready....

I'm left wondering what kind of person will emerge from this experience. I really have great choice when I arrive. To truly be changed. Or to not be.

I truly believe The Lord will hold me to a greater responsibility to steward the experiences I've had. I have seen. You have not. & you can't be blamed for your ignorance. Although I fully believe it doesn't warrant excuses for not pushing deeper....

What I have found is the deeper we get... The more real life becomes... The greater the tension. & most times, greater the heartache.

It's hard to see how ugly then world can be. To stare the result of sin in the face is absolutely terrifying. & it often leaves me in doubt...

But I truly believe if we can enter into that sacred tension, the hard places... To really look into the eyes of those before us, we will see the face of Jesus there.

He resides in suffering. His speciality is healing. If you are "fine" "ok" or "good" there's not much room for him to really move within your heart.

I'm not saying walk around with a heavy heart and a hanging head. I'm saying search your heart. And start understanding what true compassion looks like. I'm saying stop being so comfortable and start stretching your wings. I'm saying stop living on the table top of your simple manageable life... And start remembering that Jesus didn't die for you to live in total ideal American bliss.

I feel like The Lord has asked me to have some perspective. And that process Of realizing its not about me at all, is still a journey for my restless spirit.

But I know I want to be forever challenged. To stay stagnant and simple is probably my greatest fear...

Jesus set my heart free yesterday. In the middle of the African plains. I blinked my eyes a few times because I couldn't believe I where He had led me to.

I reminisced with a friend last night about the person I used to be. And the person I am on my way to becoming. The things that used I occupy my time... The things I thought were important or held weight....

Jesus changed EVERYTHING In my life.

And he can change yours too.

If you are willing to enter into your greatest fears... He is waiting there, hand outstretched to meet you where you are.
If you would only let Him...

As is said... Ill be on my way back to my reality very soon. A world blessed beyond words, yet plagued with blindness, ignorance & entitlement.

I don't wish to return to conversations about Christmas gifts. Shopping needs. Unnecessary wants.

Ill remember the children who are laying on their backs in beds just hoping someone will adopt them. Ill remember the weathered flesh eaten hands of the lepror who prepared me coffee in her home. Ill remember the hearts of the ministry workers, who have given their lives to be the hands and feet of Jesus, serving the desperate needs of their countrymen. Ill remember that worship knows no language, but only beloved authenticity. Ill remember those who were blessed they had a job.

But ill remember the wholly dependence on Jesus above all of it.

Ill never forget the faces. And I can't wait to show you all of them...

All I know is I want to be different today then yesterday. And even more changed tomorrow.

Ethiopia will forever have a piece of my heart.

& Jesus is King.

100 constructs for 0 frameworks

It's currently November, Someday, in the year 2005. At 12:28 am.

I'm writing you from Addis, Ababa, Ethiopia, Africa.

I am currently 7 years in the past, but also hours 8 (from home) in the future. I am lost in translation. Laying on a small wooden sofa in the reception area of the guest
home. My only company are the dead cock roach I've killed & the sleeping receptionist on a small mat in the corner of the room.

My mind is racing. & my heart is heavy from all that I have seen today.

How can I possibly describe the indescribable. How can I make your ignorance comprehend. What can I do or say or shout or scream to make you take one moment away from your life to understand mine.... And more so to possibly care for the lives that mine has intersected.

I have seen the destruction of Disease. The wear and tear on mothers and their eventually orphaned children. I've seen weary eyes. Naked and famished. I've seen Hands and feet eaten away by leprosey. I have passed by a trash dump city, where many people receive their only food supply. I have seen hopeless eyes asking me to meet their very next need.

I have walked amongst the least of these...

My heart broke today. I felt it well up & literally burst in my chest. It came flooding out through an ocean of tears. As I felt helpless under the great weight of need. I can feel the groans of despair in gravel that is their very road.

How do I leave this place and return home to cooperate American Christmas? Coined by excess and extravagance. More more more.
Me me me.
How do I go back to my life and just live knowing this need is still running rampant.

As a photographer, I am struggling with trying to capture what I am seeing without potentially harming the people. How would I feel if I was laying naked in a street, starving....& someone walked up to me, photographed me. & walked away.

I feel that my purpose on earth is to make the least of these known. Known, in order to compel others to action. To make a difference and to be the change. But at the rate of preserving their only dignities, I have left many frames pass by, captured only in my memory...

This juxtaposition is tormenting me. & leaving me frustrated asking God what my true purpose is here.

Trust me. Within this great suffering is an even greater joy. It radiates from the smiling faces of those who have all of the world, yet in our eyes, would be seen as the lowliest. Yes they have no material wealth. Yes they are disease ridden. Yes they are weary and each heavy burdened....

But Jesus is their everything, because He is all they really have. It's easy for them to authentically love me when they first meet me, because of the overwhelming love they feel from Jesus. It's easy for them to talk to me because they are more focused on a relationship with me than my socio economic status or my career. It's easy for them to break into uninhibited worship because they have zero distractions in their way...

I envy the way they walk in freedom.

I am challenged by their endearing smiles that have greeted me each day. I am even more challenged by their faith. In that they shall truly inherit the earth...

To the one that has been given much, much will be required...

I am learning this tonight.


Love, me

Ripping off my Rearview Mirror.

*I don't remember seeing fear in your eyes


The day we said our goodbyes


It's easy to say that there's a reason for this


Much harder to know
 that what we say is true...


It's really hard to realize that our lives aren't meant to be lived for us. 

it's really hard to realize that our lives aren't meant to be lived for us.

It's really hard to realize that our lives, aren't meant, to be lived for us....


really really hard. 


I can't believe we are just a few short days from December... I can't believe Thanksgiving has passed... & Christmas is just around the corner...

Times flying. And I can't slow it down... So I suppose I should move right along with it.




Less than a week from today I'll be in mid flight. Airborne & in route to Ethiopia. > a weeeeeek.


As I left my final meeting Sunday night, the reality of this trip set in and kept me up, mind racing in knowing that this week would be a little chaotic. I spent hours last night reflecting on just how fast this time came... and how the months leading up to it have been a little blurry. I think the reason I've written so much less is because I haven't really been able to organize my thoughts. With each passing day, there was just more to do, and seemingly less time to not do. However, my thoughts from last night have brought me to some things I am sure of. 


1. The past four months have been filled with some of the greatest tensions that my heart has ever known. Saying goodbye to the dreams you had for yourself are hard. (really really hard. repeat.) It doesn't just happen overnight. Stepping from the platform of familiarity into the great abyss of unknown is terrifying. But the timing of all of this doesn't surprise me. As it does never. For once in my life,  nothing is really certain. The only thing that is certain is that I am leaving in a week to enter into an uncharted framework. I am expectant that God will use me there... and even more so my abilities to accomplish change. I can't wait for Ethiopia. And all that it will mean for me...

*Village of Korah, Ethiopia (yes a trash dump city) 

2. And the One sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!" And then He said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true."

I will be returning home on the brink of a new year... a fresh begining... And I really have much more power than I realize to do all that will be asked of me. Prior decisions on how I spent my time, where my energies were exhausted, the person I was becoming, was so determinded on relationships with others. It's really time for that relationship to be Jesus. I strongly feel He has cleared the way for me to have limited to no distractions... He has met so many of my needs, and continues to do so daily. He's positioned my life in such a way that I really have the freedom to be the most productive for the Kingdom NOW. not later... not in another month, not when I have more money, not when I have some more things figured out... Now. right. now.

That is empowering. That hope for a new start compels me to do more than I ever thought I could. I just need to draw strength from each day, and move to the next in expectation.

3.....

I've had a blog brewing in me for some time about this very statement.. I think it will come post Ethiopia... but I know that this is the cry of my heart... & that most days I often feel very lonely in it.... 

I stand by this: I do not believe that Jesus Christ left Heaven, took on flesh, was crucified & died for our sins, so that you & I could have an easygoing, smooth, comfortable faith. A simple walk through life. Be as comfy as you can til you die. I just won't accept it. you can. But I can't. 

4.

*Korah, Ethiopia

I am blessed by you. Thank you for walking through the ever changing seasons of my life with me. Days I feel like giving up on writing, you are the encouragement I need to press onward. I am grateful to all parties who contributed to my trip, whether through finance, prayer, or an encouraging word... You have blessed my life... And I will always be here for you. In whatever capacity the Lord wills. 

I look forward to sharing all that God does with & through our team. I am smiling in excitement even now.

 my prayer for us all... forever... 

see you soon <3

*You're not just a body of flesh, bones and blood, You are alive, you're His precious child

                               And your soul will forever live on......

*Need to Breathe

*Flyleaf

Great Love. New Horizons.

*Here's a voice for the voiceless
& a song for the soulless
Life floods in... 

dis·ci·ple noun \di-ˈsī-pəl\
1: one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another: as
a : one of the twelve in the inner circle of Christ's followers according to the Gospel accounts
b : a convinced adherent of an individual

Synonyms: acolyte, adherent, convert, follower, epigone, liege man, partisan, pupil, votarist

It's taken a long time for me to learn what this word really means... And it's taken a lot more than time to realize the weight that the word actually carries....

I had an entry written out that I was convinced was the best I had ever written. In two years of having a blog I have never accidentally deleted anything... Until that entry... I think its safe for me to say that God had something very different He wanted me to say.

This weekend our pastor addressed the shadow side that lies within each of us. The dark corner that we often avoid... & how too often we will do what ever it takes to mask it... leaving us isolated and disillusioned that we have all the answers. That somehow we have it together. And everyone else needs  fixing...

A perfect lie. An epicenter of isolation.

A prime location for a grotesque foothold to take root.

Within the past three months I've experienced some of the greatest growing pains. I feel like something or someone (the later) has been chiseling away at my heart... something or someone (the later)  is literally sculpting away at me, relentlessly.

It's hurt. It's a painful process. 

But I've discovered you are of no use to anyone if you spend time masking it. There has to be room for error.. There has to be even more room for extended grace in such a process. To accept grace if you're the person in the season of unrest... and to extend it if you're the person who's in a season of strength, surely recalling your weaker moments when it was so genuinely given to you.

NO ONE IS GETTING ANYWHERE  BEING FAKE.

I don't think Peter shined his brightest when He denied the Lord. I'd say his shinning moment was most likely when He was hanging upside, crucified.... Honest... Authentic...

What does the life of a disciple really look like. Really... 

What are we wiling to admit today.
What are we are we tired of trying to fight... Better yet, What things are we not even addressing that are glaring back at us in the mirror.

Something I have continued learning, boldly, is that leaders lead from the front. And sometimes the life of a leader, the life of disciple, can be a lonely one.

I've felt pretty lonely for a bit now... And just when I am about to succumb to that loneliness... I remember this...

Perhaps God has cleared the roadway so that when I stand face to face with what He has for me, there will be nothing in the way to distract me. I will see it fully. Clearly.

*Bring your normalcy to the edge
& watch it drown in new horizons
New horizons.

There are new horizons ahead for me. Some that I'll be seeing shortly, as I spend this weekend in NYC. (aka #home). some just a few weeks ahead... Where I will be traveling to Ethiopia for 10 days, inundated in unfamiliarity.
I'm currently waiting. Just waiting. Waiting to start. Waiting to leave. Waiting for something to change.

And most days I'm not really happy about that. I accept it. But it doesn't mean I'm thrilled about where I am right now. That's honest.

But what I do know without a shadow of a doubt, is that I've been called to discipleship. And I know that even though this may be a strange season of hurt, disappointment, loneliness, slight abandonment & many questions unanswered, This truth is awaiting each of us, if we chose it....

"We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already through open His door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace  & glory... standing tall & shouting our praise...." romans 5:1-2

*Great Love setting the world on fire

I am in awe of who You are 

& it's Your love I'm living for...

Great Love filling me up inside...

 You are the one I'm looking for... 

& I am Yours, forevermore...



*lyrics from Flyleaf  

Exit Wounds

I've been kicked right down
I've been spat in the face
I've been pulled, weighed down
To the lowest place
I've been lied to, shamed
I have been disgraced
Been ex-communicated from every "holy" place...

I haven't really written in some time. Not due to the lack of interest... even the sake of time... but for the most, I think I've been afraid to be too honest... to say things that could potentially be harmful... things I may regret at a later time... 

When I think of the best word to sum up the past 2 months... it's been this:

bru·tal

   [broot-l]

adjective

1.

savage; cruel; inhuman: a brutal attack on the village.

2.

crude; coarse: brutal language.

3.

harsh; ferocious: brutal criticism; brutal weather.

4.

taxing, demanding, or exhausting: They're having a brutal timemaking ends meet.

5.

irrational; unreasoning.

I've realized that I've been surrounded by many hands sticking out towards me ready to take.

& take. & take. & take. & take. oh, & take.

With very little to offer me in return....

Using.

Posing.

Faking.

Surface.

I've seen many shades of those words intertwined within the unfolding weeks... Endless taking. Self serving. Followed by an-exit-stage-left. Either to never be heard from again... or inescapably present yet deafeningly silent...

I've been stabbed in the back 

While they promised the earth

Tried to keep my head high

For all I am worth...

Any time a person opens their hearts up to love... they allow themselves great potential for hurt. Love in any form... in friendship or romance... kindness to a stranger... mentorship & leadership, always leaves space for potential heartache. But what's even more unusual is when you can't explain the comings and goings of those relationships... How people can pass in & through & take & leave... leaving you confused. more than ever. 

"He gives & takes away."

I dont quite know how God works... if I did I would probably have it a lot more together than I do... but what I do know is that sometimes God prunes away the dead shrubbery to make room for the growth of roses.... 

The Lord I serve is in the business of making things beautiful. even out of the mire He finds us in...

I seriously feel that I am in a pruning season of life... God is cutting out the dead branches and scratching away the rotting surfaces... In order to take the roots of my spirit deeper... to be more than what I've been made out to be... 

Let me say this as clear and concise as possible: 

Invest in those who invest in you. 

If someone doesn't have time for you in any context,  They really aren't worth any of yours. 

If someone walks out of your life. Let 'em go. If they aren't in, then let them miss out. 
Their loss. Not yours. 

The deep hurt that has been done to me in this season has left me a little cold... and even more skeptical. I've lost some trust in people. & I've become guarded.

But I will not grow weary of doing good. The call of my life is far beyond the simpleness that I will surpass. Jesus has far too much of my focus. I know He'll get me on the other side of this... 

When love leaves. you are changed. & all that remains are exit wounds.

I'm simply in the healing process. Some of that's ugly. But I know a new strange strength will emerge... & I will surely laugh in the days to come....

God is good. He is now everything to me.