Ripping off my Rearview Mirror.

*I don't remember seeing fear in your eyes


The day we said our goodbyes


It's easy to say that there's a reason for this


Much harder to know
 that what we say is true...


It's really hard to realize that our lives aren't meant to be lived for us. 

it's really hard to realize that our lives aren't meant to be lived for us.

It's really hard to realize that our lives, aren't meant, to be lived for us....


really really hard. 


I can't believe we are just a few short days from December... I can't believe Thanksgiving has passed... & Christmas is just around the corner...

Times flying. And I can't slow it down... So I suppose I should move right along with it.




Less than a week from today I'll be in mid flight. Airborne & in route to Ethiopia. > a weeeeeek.


As I left my final meeting Sunday night, the reality of this trip set in and kept me up, mind racing in knowing that this week would be a little chaotic. I spent hours last night reflecting on just how fast this time came... and how the months leading up to it have been a little blurry. I think the reason I've written so much less is because I haven't really been able to organize my thoughts. With each passing day, there was just more to do, and seemingly less time to not do. However, my thoughts from last night have brought me to some things I am sure of. 


1. The past four months have been filled with some of the greatest tensions that my heart has ever known. Saying goodbye to the dreams you had for yourself are hard. (really really hard. repeat.) It doesn't just happen overnight. Stepping from the platform of familiarity into the great abyss of unknown is terrifying. But the timing of all of this doesn't surprise me. As it does never. For once in my life,  nothing is really certain. The only thing that is certain is that I am leaving in a week to enter into an uncharted framework. I am expectant that God will use me there... and even more so my abilities to accomplish change. I can't wait for Ethiopia. And all that it will mean for me...

*Village of Korah, Ethiopia (yes a trash dump city) 

2. And the One sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!" And then He said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true."

I will be returning home on the brink of a new year... a fresh begining... And I really have much more power than I realize to do all that will be asked of me. Prior decisions on how I spent my time, where my energies were exhausted, the person I was becoming, was so determinded on relationships with others. It's really time for that relationship to be Jesus. I strongly feel He has cleared the way for me to have limited to no distractions... He has met so many of my needs, and continues to do so daily. He's positioned my life in such a way that I really have the freedom to be the most productive for the Kingdom NOW. not later... not in another month, not when I have more money, not when I have some more things figured out... Now. right. now.

That is empowering. That hope for a new start compels me to do more than I ever thought I could. I just need to draw strength from each day, and move to the next in expectation.

3.....

I've had a blog brewing in me for some time about this very statement.. I think it will come post Ethiopia... but I know that this is the cry of my heart... & that most days I often feel very lonely in it.... 

I stand by this: I do not believe that Jesus Christ left Heaven, took on flesh, was crucified & died for our sins, so that you & I could have an easygoing, smooth, comfortable faith. A simple walk through life. Be as comfy as you can til you die. I just won't accept it. you can. But I can't. 

4.

*Korah, Ethiopia

I am blessed by you. Thank you for walking through the ever changing seasons of my life with me. Days I feel like giving up on writing, you are the encouragement I need to press onward. I am grateful to all parties who contributed to my trip, whether through finance, prayer, or an encouraging word... You have blessed my life... And I will always be here for you. In whatever capacity the Lord wills. 

I look forward to sharing all that God does with & through our team. I am smiling in excitement even now.

 my prayer for us all... forever... 

see you soon <3

*You're not just a body of flesh, bones and blood, You are alive, you're His precious child

                               And your soul will forever live on......

*Need to Breathe

*Flyleaf

Great Love. New Horizons.

*Here's a voice for the voiceless
& a song for the soulless
Life floods in... 

dis·ci·ple noun \di-ˈsī-pəl\
1: one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another: as
a : one of the twelve in the inner circle of Christ's followers according to the Gospel accounts
b : a convinced adherent of an individual

Synonyms: acolyte, adherent, convert, follower, epigone, liege man, partisan, pupil, votarist

It's taken a long time for me to learn what this word really means... And it's taken a lot more than time to realize the weight that the word actually carries....

I had an entry written out that I was convinced was the best I had ever written. In two years of having a blog I have never accidentally deleted anything... Until that entry... I think its safe for me to say that God had something very different He wanted me to say.

This weekend our pastor addressed the shadow side that lies within each of us. The dark corner that we often avoid... & how too often we will do what ever it takes to mask it... leaving us isolated and disillusioned that we have all the answers. That somehow we have it together. And everyone else needs  fixing...

A perfect lie. An epicenter of isolation.

A prime location for a grotesque foothold to take root.

Within the past three months I've experienced some of the greatest growing pains. I feel like something or someone (the later) has been chiseling away at my heart... something or someone (the later)  is literally sculpting away at me, relentlessly.

It's hurt. It's a painful process. 

But I've discovered you are of no use to anyone if you spend time masking it. There has to be room for error.. There has to be even more room for extended grace in such a process. To accept grace if you're the person in the season of unrest... and to extend it if you're the person who's in a season of strength, surely recalling your weaker moments when it was so genuinely given to you.

NO ONE IS GETTING ANYWHERE  BEING FAKE.

I don't think Peter shined his brightest when He denied the Lord. I'd say his shinning moment was most likely when He was hanging upside, crucified.... Honest... Authentic...

What does the life of a disciple really look like. Really... 

What are we wiling to admit today.
What are we are we tired of trying to fight... Better yet, What things are we not even addressing that are glaring back at us in the mirror.

Something I have continued learning, boldly, is that leaders lead from the front. And sometimes the life of a leader, the life of disciple, can be a lonely one.

I've felt pretty lonely for a bit now... And just when I am about to succumb to that loneliness... I remember this...

Perhaps God has cleared the roadway so that when I stand face to face with what He has for me, there will be nothing in the way to distract me. I will see it fully. Clearly.

*Bring your normalcy to the edge
& watch it drown in new horizons
New horizons.

There are new horizons ahead for me. Some that I'll be seeing shortly, as I spend this weekend in NYC. (aka #home). some just a few weeks ahead... Where I will be traveling to Ethiopia for 10 days, inundated in unfamiliarity.
I'm currently waiting. Just waiting. Waiting to start. Waiting to leave. Waiting for something to change.

And most days I'm not really happy about that. I accept it. But it doesn't mean I'm thrilled about where I am right now. That's honest.

But what I do know without a shadow of a doubt, is that I've been called to discipleship. And I know that even though this may be a strange season of hurt, disappointment, loneliness, slight abandonment & many questions unanswered, This truth is awaiting each of us, if we chose it....

"We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already through open His door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace  & glory... standing tall & shouting our praise...." romans 5:1-2

*Great Love setting the world on fire

I am in awe of who You are 

& it's Your love I'm living for...

Great Love filling me up inside...

 You are the one I'm looking for... 

& I am Yours, forevermore...



*lyrics from Flyleaf