You're Just Not Good Enough... Not...

I find it no coincidence that on the fortnight or so of the release of my new photo series, I was presented, via a dear friend, with the all inspiring book, *"Unsqueezed; Springing free from skinny jeans, nose jobs, highlights and stilettos, " by Margot Starbuck. (( 1. um my life? 2. her last name is Starbuck... one more letter and that's just perfection.))

As most of you know I am not a big lover of reading, but only two paragraphs in I was hooked. I was so blown away by some of her writing, that I just felt the need to share. This is the "sneak peek," if you will, into the photo series I am in the process of wrapping up. I'll let Ms. Starbuck take it from here...

She opens by presenting the controversy that most all females face: societal struggles and pressure regarding body image. She writes:

"Though we long for our lives to be formed & shaped & molded- transformed- into the image of God, we find ourselves more often squeezed by a culture that values & devalues us based on appearance....


...Longing to respond to God with our heart, soul, mind & strength... we're ashamed that we're losing the raging ground war against our inherent occupation with self. 


The pickle in which we've found ourselves is that too often we've given image more weight, more importance, and more value than any of us are able to bear. This obsession with appearances has driven us to a binding preoccupation. We need to be set free. "

She goes on to add an excerpt;

"Let's Agree Right Now That These Things Are Crazy:"

"1. While many women black adolescent girls eschew their full lips & dark skin, white women are paying 1000s of dollars to have collagen injections & are getting cancer trying to darken their skin.

2. Many of us pay money to drink carbonated, chemical beverages with no caloric or nutritional value

3. Women with excessively large breasts, some who suffer horrible back pain, are going under the knife for reduction surgery, while women who want excessively large breasts are choosing to have the constructed cosmetically.

4. I have to expend more energy and concentrated effort to not over eat, than I do to gather the daily resources I need to survive.

She continues through explaining the "Make Over" field, marketable to any aged female,  works the "You're just not good enough" concept to their advantage. She writes that the "heartbreaking message to girls and women (on shows such as these)  is that they are inherently unacceptable as they are"

(And the best yet....)

"If your hair is brown, it needs to be blonde. If it's kinky, we should straighten it. If it's straight, we should perm it. Our hair is too gray, too split. Our features are too flat or too prominent, too think or too thick. If our face isn't oily with acne, then it's creased with wrinkles. During the narrow window of those two tragic conditions (love her), our skin is too dark or too light. Our upper arms are flabby. Our nails need polishing. Our breasts need lifting. Our stomach needs flattening. Our hips need slimming. Our buttock needs firming. Our body hairs need shaving. Our thighs need reducing."

I hope you laughed right along with me, in the hysterics of how maddening all of this is! And yet, how applicable to real truths that our society forces us to believe, every single day. Affecting all females, of all ages, of all backgrounds. This is why we have depression. This is why we have eating disorders. This is what fosters the comparison demon, the root to all destruction. This is it.

(I love how she phrases this)

 "The sinister hiss of the deceiver, playing on the deep nagging fear in the hearts of so many women, implies that essentially something is ultimately flawed and wrong with them. "

She writes that so many of these liars want to "make over what God has already made and called good. It may not fit the world's standard, but it is good." 

& When were we ever commanded to fit in this world's mold for our lives anyway...?

Stumbling upon this was just the final kick of inspiration I needed to take with me into this week as I finish shooting what I believe will be my best work yet. I hope that you will stay tuned and stand with me & Ms. Starbuck in declaring, "Enough, is Enough." That we will fight the ideas of needing to be more than or different than something that the Lord Jesus has already made and declared good and worthy. To what other standard do we need approval?

You are good enough!

((& to conclude, quoting the wise wordsmith, Bruno Mars,))

"You are amazing. Just the way you are."

*All excerpts from Unsqueezed by Margot Starbuck

Lead Us Back...

Falling down upon our knees,
sharing now in common shame...
we have sought security.
Not the cross, that bears Your name...

This entry has been brewing a bit. Complacency has been a common theme that seems to appear and reappear on my radar as of late. The idea of resting in "comforts" or what I have come to believe, selling out to what feels safe. It's something that I have daily battled. Something that has become a frequent apparency. Something that I now will challenge you with, as I have been so challenged by.

If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity. CS Lewis. 


As a proclaimed Christian person, and a fairly new follower of Jesus (yes there is a difference, it has taken me forever to understand that) I believe the greatest question that I contemplate on a daily basis, sometimes all day long is this: What is the purpose of my life? 


Heavy right? You know it.


We (my church) just recently finished an intense 5 week study of the book of Romans all in which discusses and reveals the Lord's intent for mankind: Salvation and Life abundantly through Jesus Christ. But through out the series I was attentive to the times in which I heard "content" "comfortable" and "complacency" ((these are my 3 avoidance words, if you haven't discovered yet through past blogs))

My pastor said something that really got my attention. He said, "By belief in the Lord Jesus, alone, we are saved. Will there be some who abuse this? Yes. Will there be some believers who simply accept the free gift the Lord has given them, and yet do nothing for the glory of His Kingdom with it? Yes. Will there be some who live their lives in their comforts, securities and safe havens (better put, for themselves) and do their best to stay there until they are called home? Yes... Yes. "

Fences guard our hearts and homes.

Comfort sings a siren tune.

We're a valley of dry bones.

Lead us back... to life in You....

 I have wrestled with this on and on for months! Seriously I can not seem to shake that the Lord is trying His best to convey this message to me strongly. I have found myself becoming frustrated with those who are incredibly gifted by our Lord Jesus, but allowing their gifts to lie stagnant because they are too busy focused on the simpleness and surfaceness of day to day. I have battled this out in myself! This is a real and true struggle. The moment we think we have everything going for us, I am certain the enemy has us exactly where he wants us. Blinded. Comfortable. Stagnant. 

..If you are a believer in the Lord Jesus as Savior, 

than His Spirit dwells with in you...

How can we let that lie dormant? How can the greatness of such a remarkable truth not keep us awake at night wondering...?

What is YOUR purpose in life? 

What has God uniquely equipped you and only you to do? 

What are you letting lie that you should be pursuing wholeheartedly? 

What are you afraid you'll lose if you follow after it? 

I feel like if we do not become attentive quickly, we will miss the entire point. 


I am convinced that the Lord Jesus Christ did not step down from His throne in Heaven, become man, dwelt among us, bled and died to save us from sin and certain death, so that you and I could be surface and simple. 


The Lord is rich in kindness and love, therefore He bestows upon us undeserved blessings beyond our wildest dreams. But where would we be without those blessings? Safe havens. Comforts. 


Have we missed that all we really need, all that really matters is Him?....

.....I can't settle for this.

"People do not drift toward growth and discipline. We tend to drift toward complacency. Fight" -LeCrae

He has something marvelous in store for all of us. He has placed with in you something sacred. Something only YOU can accomplish in this life. I urge you to search your heart to find it. Do not miss this in a world that is filled with fleeting ideas of what this life's about. 

This is my heart for us all, that we do not lose sight, lose heart.
I just felt the need to share it with you tonight. 
Love and prayers go with you. 


"You are Sons of light. Daughters of Day. So let's not sleep walk through life like others. Let's keep our eyes open. Gently encourage the stragglers- reach out to the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. Build up hope, so you'll be together in this. No one left out. No one left behind."
1 Thessalonians: 5-14

Lead us back, to Life in You....

Visions

the prophecy of one who hears the words of God, who sees a vision from the Almighty, who falls prostrate, and whose eyes are opened...

Numbers 24:4 

Well Hi. 

So lots of things have been unfolding in my little life for the past few months. A lot, that I feel is Divine. And that is always exciting! I felt the need to sort of share what I has recently been unveiled.

((bear with me))

I cracked open Psalm 119 last week, (the longest Psalm in the universe, unbeknownst to me- reading in general is something I usually have to force myself to do)... And it was there I discovered within the hearts of the psalmists this cry for deliverance from their oppressors.

"The insolent ridicule me without mercy. but I don't bulge from your revelation. My antagonists are too many to count, but I don't swerve from the direction you gave... "

There was an overstated theme of persecution. This was something I asked God that morning to help me better understand. "Lord help me be more cognitive of subtle persecutions in my life. Expose the areas of hindrance in my life."

and no sooner did I speak.... did I discover....

Psalm 18:43-45
You rescued me from a squabbling people; You made me a leader of nations. People I'd never heard of served me; the moment they got wind of me they listened. The foreign devils gave up.

The Lord has blessed me in many ways. But distinctly two of my gifts have been under great besiege for quite some time now: my ability to write and to photograph. 

As soon as I asked God to reveal to me where I was being oppressed, I was made aware of the enemy's plans for downfall in my strongest abilities.

I've been conflicted by thoughts such as, "Well, you're photos will never really amount to of anything of worth. They're never going to be published, or really used to generate any form of change. You're never gonna get there, so you might as well just stop now."

I have also had plans to write and publish a book. When discussing the concepts of what I would be delving into with a person of close relation, I was confronted with, "I wouldn't read that. No one is going to want to read that.".... Yeah... 

Talk about a set back eh? More like mad attacks from a real and persistent enemy.
A persecutor.
An oppressor.
A dream stealer.

& these were not one time statements. These were resounding words of defeat that I heard... for months.

"If Your revelation hadn't delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came... The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I'm only concerned with Your plans for me." Psalm 119

My response to the haters? 

ONWARD. and here's how :)

1. I am excited to share that I am currently in the process of piecing together a very powerful photo series. This will be my first creative shoot post graduation. I don't want to give away too much! But I will say that this shoot is filled with diversity, empowerment, authenticity and radiant joy. I have been blessed to have a peek into the hearts of 30 sum, (yes!) subjects who have all stepped up to a great challenge that I have presented to them: to be themselves! I am so grateful for trust and belief in the piece. I have allotted this entire month for the project as I am trying to coordinate many different schedules. I am planning to release the series on my new website, which is currently in the works. Please stay tuned for something that, I believe, will encourage and inspire you. 

2. I am also excited to officially say that the writing/production process of my book has begun! This is something that I have been wanting to do ever since I started receiving the feedback I have from this blog. I have been encouraged and inspired by your kind words. Thank you for reading. I feel that now is the best time to start really honing in on the depths of my life and testimony. I will be meeting with a published author this thursday to discuss the process further. The prayer for this book is that God's transforming power would prove evident to the reader in seeing just how He has transformed my life.

Both of these areas have been under great attack. But I am going to push forward. I ask that you would be keeping me in your thoughts and prayers as I begin to tackle some pretty big feats. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read such a long entry. I felt the need to just lay out the direction I am heading in. I have NO idea what will come from this... all I know is that I have been more than affirmed to press in. And press in, I will. 


Love you.

"This is my life work: helping people understand and to respond the Message of God. I was the least qualified. But God saw to it that I was equipped, but you can be sure that it had nothing to do with my natural abilities." 

Ephesians 3:7-8

I'm already out of foolproof ideas, it's all uncharted... <3

Roads... til I meet You.

you're blessed when you stay on course.
walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
-oh that my steps might be steady...

How can a young person live a clean life?

By carefully reading the map of your Word...

Be generous with me and I'll live a full life, not for a minute will I take my eyes off Your road.

....I am a stranger in these parts. Give me clear direction....

Barricade the road that goes nowhere.

I choose the true road that goes to Somewhere.

I post Your road signs at every curve and corner.

I run in the path of Your commands,

for You have set my heart free...

Guide me down the road of Your commandments.
I set Your instructions to music... & sing them as I walk this pilgram way...

When I took a long, careful look at Your ways
I got my feet back on the trail You blazed.
Before I learned to answer You, I wandered all over the place...

((My troubles turned out all for the best...))

I see the limits to everything human.

But the horizons can't contain Your commands...

I watch my step, avoiding ditches & ruts of evil.

I never make detours from the route You laid out;

You gave me such good directions.

By Your word, I can see where I am going.

they've thrown a beam  of light on my dark path.

I've committed myself & I'll never turn back.

The way You tell me to live is always right... help me understand it so I can live to the fullest.

My life's an open book before You.

Invigorate my soul, so I can praise You well...

& should I wander off.....

..... Seek me...

I'll recognize the sound of Your Voice...

{Passages from Psalm 119}

futile efforts

Despondency.

Have you ever been absolutely exhausted without any real reason to be?
You haven't been training for a half marathon or working from sunrise to sundown. You don't have endless extra circulars or outstanding overbearing demands.

In fact, the only real demand you have is a rather stocky, yet strapping, Pitt bull who's middle name is Mischief. (it's really Hamilton, but it might as well should be...)

In the past few months, I have become rather comfortable, comatose and the worst of all... complacent.
- not complacent by boasting in my self- but rather complacent in realizing that I have settled. 


You women who are so complacent, rise up and listen to me; Tremble, you complacent women; shudder, you daughters who feel secure! hear what I have to say: Isaiah 32: 8-11


I think I finally figured it out- why things have been so stagnant. I will try to sum it up very quickly... 

....Because I have allowed things to be so...

When I graduated college, I was certain that I was going to be a wedding and life style photographer. I had worked incredibly hard at finishing my second major during my senior year of college to ensure that I could start right after school. I was very excited and seemed to have the world at my feet. 


-And then I went to Haiti...

I have to say that Haiti altered my life in a way that nothing else could have ever. It changed the way I literally see the world, It changed things I cared about- It changed everything. I came home and struggled immensely with trying to decide if photography was something I could still pursue. I had captured these images of people in such desperation...to come home simply to go back to shooting something that, now, no longer seemed to hold the same value, as what I just photographed in Haiti just didn't seem possible. Everything I had believed in as far as my shooting abilities, the love for what I did and why I did it was challenged.


And I've spent the past 6 months restructuring my framework in trying to understand where career and passion intersected, If they even would at all...


I didn't want to simply do something because I was good at it. I wanted to believe in every single thing that I photographed. I wanted everything I did to mean something to me.  To mean something to someone else. I wanted those who looked at what I shot to care intensely about it. I wanted my work to generate change.

So I simply stopped.... and waited.

I've been waiting now for quite some time. What I realized in this process was that :

discernment does not = ceasing. 

All this time I have been affirmed over and over again that I was supposed to being doing this... but I was looking for a different answer... so it fell on deaf ears.

In believing I was growing, waiting for the "right" opportunity... I actually became stagnant. And did nothing to allow the opportunity to be presented.

And I let my heart & motivation become blinded by many distractions strategically, I feel, placed before me by the enemy.

I found myself ridden with envy. The sense of others moving forward, and me feeling stationary. All the while... I was the very culprit of my own immobility. I was the victim of my own foolishness.

I had shut out the spirit.
I had silenced affirmation.
I had passed up chances.
And I had stayed simple...

I WAS MADE FOR GREATNESS. BECAUSE THE LORD OF HEAVEN, HAS SAID SO.

Through God, I am completely able.

Isaiah 49:1-3:
"The moment I entered the world, He named me.
He gave me speech that would cut and penetrate.
He kept His hand on me to protect me.
He made me His straight arrow
& Hid me in His quiver.
He said to me,  "You're my dear servant, through whom I will shine."

Tonight I got a swift kick to my face. When I believe, that the Lord Himself spoke directly to me through a trusted advocate. - Although many people have tried before, (I know, I am sorry for not listening)- He finally got through to me, tonight. I was challenged tremendously by a respectable woman of God, that I had become boring. That I was burning out before I even had begun. That I had too much to let lie. And that I needed to be photographing. No matter what.

He spoke loud and clear. & I absolutely positively, finally, heard Him.

I know that right now, I am certainly not where I want to be. Where I long to be... but I know that He has equipped me. That I am completely able as any to do what He has created me to do. That I don't need to make any more excuses. That I simply must do. And do, I will.

"When the time is ripe, I answer you.
when the victory's due, I help you.
I form you & use you
to reconnect the people with me.
To put the land in order
to resettle families on the ruined properties.
Then everyone will know that I, God,
have saved you.- I, the Mighty One of Jacob."
Isaiah 49: 8-12, 26. 

I am about to embark on a one month journey, in which I will be piecing together a photo series that I feel may be my strongest work to date. The series is completely inspired by the collaborative concept of my best friend & myself. I feel that the body of work will be thought provoking, challenging and above all else, empowering. What an amazing boost of encouragement to begin the next 29 days of great anticipation. I'm back baby!

I am thankful for the person's obedience to speak truth into my life. I know many other's have tried... but again, God's timing is perfect..... loud. & clear.

"Set a fire down in my soul... that I can't contain... and I can't control... "

Nameless

You walk around with a cold heart. A heart that has iced over by years and years of self indulgence.
You seem to be so sure of yourself-
Yes. Your confident and cool. Collected and content. You walk out the door completely dignified. And everyone who sees your masquerade believes the facade. You sell out to those who could really care less about your life. You play your part. You tow the line.... And then. The game's been played. The mask comes off. And all that's left is a broken shell of a crippled spirit. Exhausted and pained by years of poor choices. Again and again, you are presented chances to turn it around.

Grace.
Forgiveness.
Healing.
Preservation.
Change.
A new start...

A new life....

But again and again, you deny it. You say no thank you. I don't need you or anyone to tell me how to live my life. My way is the highway.

And again and again, you are so disillusioned to what life truly is about. Your priorities are flawed. You are selfish. Contrite. And Bitter. You live to please yourself. And all that's left is your loneliness.

And in those moments where you simply can't add one more possible distraction to keep your heart from seeing the truth... your guilt creeps up to the back of your throat. To a point where the only way to force it back down, is to drown it in a never ending bath of intoxication.

Numb.
Dulled.
Impaired.
Calloused.
Reckless.
Empty.
Stagnant.

Is this really the life you envisioned for yourself?

I don't need you. I've never needed you. My successes will never derive from what you have provided. And where I end up is not on your accord. You chose things to be this way.

Your way is a joke. Your pride is crippling. And I can see right through it all.

Your only hope is to get on your knees. Your only hope is to be made new.

(My only prayer is that you see it before it too late...)

I can not escape the feeling in the back of my mind that you will be old, and alone. Having no idea how you got so lost, and realizing that the damage you have done can never be altered or changed. That the time you lost will not come back.

My even greater fear, is that you will die blind. Having never understood. And that my only memory of you will be that of a lost child, endlessly trying to find it's way home....

But for now. You shall remain nameless...

tran(t)s-'fȯrm

My very wise friend Melody once told me that the greatest evidence of Jesus Christ as Savior was a changed life.

I couldn't agree more with that statement.

I recently had the opportunity to dialogue with a dear friend about their spiritual journey and sorta listened to them unpack their story. We are still getting to know each other, but we knew all too well that we had A LOT in common and had battled some of the very same demons throughout much of our young lives.

I listened intently to the unveiling of rather broken days; days of despair and hopelessness, days struggling to even know who the person was staring back at them in mirror, days of wondering where God had gone and why He had abandoned them. Where comparison and thoughts of not being enough rotted their flesh and physically ate away at strong bones....

Words such as "spent," "strung-out," "empty," "forgotten," "misunderstood," and "monster" were used to describe an old state of being.

and as I listened, I was confronted the resounding echo of my very spoken words, used to describe the way I used to feel about myself.

I have to admit, some parts were challenging to listen to... only because I knew all too well the heartaches that this person felt... and in so many ways, I was pained due to the inability to never understand or sympathize with what this beautiful person had seen and been through...

Transform: \tran(t)s-ˈfȯrm\

 a : to change in composition or structure

b : to change the outward form or appearance ofc : to change in character or condition 

But the gleaming truth in all of this, was the person sitting across from me was not the person in the story. The person in front of me was the visual representation of God's restoration. The person speaking to me was a culmination of molding and bending and reshaping and restructuring all by the miraculous Hands of God. The result? A completely transformed individual. Someone that you could say, would be unrecognizable compared to their old self.

1 Samuel 10:6
The Spirit of the LORD will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.


2 Corinthians 3:18
And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.


& then...
Zephaniah 3:17 
The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One,
will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.


We both discussed feelings of lost time. If when we looked back on such a dark place in our lives, did we feel as though we had wasted so much time that we could never have back? 


We did. 


But we both chuckled when we agreed there was no other means by which our transformation occurred. That every single broken moment was used by Jesus to shape us into the people that we are today.

wow. according to us, a life without Jesus, is pretty ugly. 

and because of such a radical transformation, it is all the more evidence that Jesus has shown up. Has healed. Restored. and now is walking alongside, of us everyday. So that we will never have to know a life without Him again.

"We will overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and word of our testimony."

Our lives are meant to demonstrate the power of a living God. we are meant to communicate to the rest of the world ( yes the world ) what miraculous transformation that has occurred in our lives because of HIM. So that those who are in darkness might have a life of light. 

I have no idea what your story is. You may not even know your story yet. But here is a real truth. The Lord of the world is actively seeking your life right now. He is hoping that you will take notice of His subtle, yet persistent touch. And that you will chose to allow Him to mend and restore and reshape your life for a purpose larger than you could ever fathom. 

& once you are found in that... that you would be brave enough to share your testimony, in whatever way you can. The thing that will never cease to amaze me, is that our Great Lord, wants to use us, to work through us. 

Your story can be a part of the greatest story of this age. And every age. And any age that will come. 

"The greatest evidence of Jesus Christ as Savior, is a changed life."

-& so it is. 

For the honor of the Savior, let the Cross be lifted high. The great exchange of love & grace, came down, to give us life.