for You & You alone, awake my soul...

For my first blog, I find myself with a bowl of Breyer's coffee fudge brownie ice cream and the company of my 7 month old boxer pitt bull Bentley. In the very familiar words of the Sound of Music, "Let's start at the very beginning, A very good place to start." I'm not going to take you to the beginning of my life, but rather, the beginning of what I feel was the descent of my spiritual life. This, I feel, is essential to the start of my blog because it defines the person I am now. Bear with me a bit...


I have been "Christian" now for as long as I can remember. I put quotations around the word because up until now, I feel as though my Christianity was equal to those who answer the question, "are you religious?" and their response is, "well, ya I'm a Christian."- I think what those people mean is that, they believe in God, and may believe that Jesus died on the cross, and may go to church on Sundays and do good deeds and strive to be good people... but truly have not encountered the Lord Jesus. That they do not possess a true and meaningful personal relationship with Christ. I feel this is who I had been all my life. I believed in God, I went to church. I tried to be a good person. I had even accepted Christ into my heart. I knew all the Bible stories, back and forth & had heard the message of this great love. I had heard it all.... little did I know how distant I was from Him. Looking back, I see myself as Lindsey Lukewarm Plevyak. I knew it all.... yet I knew nothing.



When I turned 19, I can say that this marked a total spiritual descent for me. Entering my sophomore year of college, I began focusing on things that were not good for me, whatsoever. I found myself engulfed in a relationship that was incredibly unhealthy. I made that person the most important thing to me. I even put that person's needs and happiness over my own. & for this... I suffered immensely. The dysfunction of this relationship caused traits to emerge in myself that had never been there before; anxiety, distraught, insecurity, self centeredness, ugliness. Not only was this relationship causing me to slowly lose myself, but the friends that I held "dearest" to me, for most, did not know God, did not care to know him, and were living their lives for themselves. Even my interests changed, regarding tangible items. I found myself being consumed with a lust for worldly wealth. Pricey and trendy were all that it needed to be for me to like it. If it was a brand found in Glamour magazine, or from a store on 5th avenue, or Coach or Tiffany's or Steve Madden, Juicy Couture... I could go on and on people...then it was good enough. Ultimately... I based value in things with simply no worth. I was stretching myself thin. Literally. And even though I would fight you, or my mother, til the end, to convince you I was happy and content, I was the furthest thing from.  My soul, I feel... had closed it's eyes. It had become weary from the emptiness. I was spiritually dying.



Just before this summer, I finally got myself out of that relationship, which was great, yet only to find myself trying once again to fill that giant void in my heart with physical comfort from dudes who really didn't care about me or my spirituality. I was so lost people. So lost in my own little life, and I was the only one to blame for it. Usually the end of summer is sad time for most, especially if you are a student. Yet the end of this summer would be the greatest time of all....



After fighting and fighting for so long.. I found myself utterly weary and miserable. I had the world at my feet, but nothing solid to stand on. I remember well a good conversation I was having with my best friend, Cristina. Tina had been praying for me, and was sharing that she had hoped that I would find my way to Him again. I distinctly remember replying..." I just don't know boo. I think I'm done." And for a brief moment.... I just may have been. However, like a thief in the night... He came for me. He stole my heart just when I was ready to throw in the towel...



One night in the summer, I laid there in my bed, scared, alone, confused, lost, empty, angry, broken. At that moment, I was overwhelmed with a tugging, a pulling in my chest. It was like something that I had never experienced before. I knew I had a choice to make. Do I keep settling for this life of emptiness? or do I say I am sorry to the only One who never left me, to the One who loved me even when I was ugly, to the One who loved me when I didn't love Him back. Oh, it was the hardest thing I ever did people. You think saying sorry would be easy....I knew I had to change my life, change my thinking, my focus. It was no longer about me. In the darkest hour of my life, I found overwhelming peace, security. I had truly encountered Jesus, and He had encountered me. It was no longer about me. I was awake. I was alive.


Since this night, It has not been an easy ride. I think it's even harder now, because I am holding myself accountable. Others are holding me accountable. I can honestly say though, I have grown more in the past three months, than I think I have in any season of my life. Things are unfolding much faster now. It is scary and exciting. I feel that the plan for my life is finally before me. & I am following the only thing I know will never fail me, who has never failed me, and that is Jesus. Do not mistake what I am saying. I do not have all the answers, and my life is not smooth sailing now. All I know is that there is a plan and purpose for me; to serve others, to share the love I know with you, to try to live my life as best I can to exemplify Jesus Christ. Everyday I am trying, striving, toward this. That my life is solely meant to reflect Jesus. It is no longer about me. It never was...



This had to be a long one... It was a lot to share. Thank you for taking time to read my story. I look forward to all that Christ will continue to do, in my life and in yours. <3



Like the rising Sun that shines, from the darkness comes a light... I hear Your voice & this is my, Awakening