Move Me Onward.

"It's not the destination that matters, It's the journey."

That quote was the life motto of my late uncle, Martin Atkinson, who just passed away less than a month ago after fighting hard against an ugly and ravishing stomach cancer. He was such a good man.

This fall has been a rather interesting one. One full of emotions and transitions that I never expected for myself. I feel like since I graduated in May, my life has played out in a way in which I was not super hoping for. This time last year, all I was doing was studying, writing papers, and working hard towards completing a 4 year process that I didn't really want to do, but knew "I had to do" in order to get to whatever goal or career or life plan was next. As many people know, I hated the college I attended, and could not wait to get out of there. So in retrospect, much of my last year of college was filled angst and anticipation of moving on to the next thing.

What I realized harshly, is that mindset has stayed with me post graduation.

Most people go away to college, but due to a major financial blessing per my mother, I was able to attend a local college, which in all truth, was more affordable than a community college. What was the downside? It was in the same town that I lived. Not only did I want to leave the current town I reside in during high school, but now, I had 4 more awesome years to spend there.
Not.
And now its been 5 months since I've graduated.
I am a person without a "real" job.
I am a person with "a plan" but not "the plan."
And I am still in that same town.

The desire for change, has eaten me alive. 
The longing for new experience and journeying is a constant thought.
And the fear of never having it keeps me awake at night.

"Learn My children, from these words, two lessons. Learn first, that I know what loneliness is, desertion and solitude mean. Learn that every act of yours of faithfulness is a comfort to My Heart. Learn too that it was to those deserters I gave the task of bringing My Message to mankind.- To those deserters, fearful ones, I gave My Power to heal, to raise to life." - God Calling

I realized. for so long I have been waiting, anticipating what is next. I've been wanting the pieces of my dreams to fall into place, all the while neglecting what I have been blessed with in the present.

I reflected last night with my two best friends about the past year, where we were, what has happened, how things have changed, and how things haven't. I have to confess that I have not been thanking God for what this year has been, and where He brought to, from.

This year, the Lord has blessed me with food, water, shelter, and clothing on my back.
He has also, undeservedly showered me with, a job, financial providers, a church family, a journey to Haiti, a passion for the poor, a heart for serving, a loving home, support, best friends, love, & dreams.
All of which is rooted in this country,
this state,
this town.

What in the world is wrong with me? 
I should be throwing my hands in praise for the abundance of what has been laid before me. For where I was a year ago, to where this year will end, is more change than I could have ever hoped for.

That needs to be enough. 

My friend Adam wrote this beautiful song, and for so long, I have been using part of it as my daily prayer:
"I want to sing Hallelujah, I want to shout Your name,
with Your breath in my lungs, don't want to be the same.
I want to be somewhere different, close to where You are.
with Your breath in my lungs, from here it seems so far."

This weekend I had an opportunity to volunteer serving some of the very needy members of my town. Most were very low income families, some homeless, others drug and alcohol dependent. I saw with very wide eyes that I do not need to go far to have the desires of my heart met. That right here, in the place I have been trying to so hard to get away from, is a great need. A need that I was able to meet.

Everything that I am has been formed by this community. How can I not be grateful for that?

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11


plans to prosper you.
plans, to give you hope.
and a future.


Hope. And, a Future.

My uncle was right. the destination is whatever God wants it to be. And so it will be. 
If I waste anymore time not being grateful for the here and now, I will miss the whole point.
In the deepest aches of my desire, He is waiting there to prosper me, to provide hope and to ultimately reveal the future that He has written.


These things will only come to pass, if we are obedient & faithful on the journey.

I love how this morning, my favorite part of Adam's song is my new prayer:

"Move me Onward in Your grace,
come in power and replace,
complacent bones, stuck in the mire,
with living water & holy fire."

With a grateful heart,

Beloved. <3