Ripping off my Rearview Mirror.

*I don't remember seeing fear in your eyes


The day we said our goodbyes


It's easy to say that there's a reason for this


Much harder to know
 that what we say is true...


It's really hard to realize that our lives aren't meant to be lived for us. 

it's really hard to realize that our lives aren't meant to be lived for us.

It's really hard to realize that our lives, aren't meant, to be lived for us....


really really hard. 


I can't believe we are just a few short days from December... I can't believe Thanksgiving has passed... & Christmas is just around the corner...

Times flying. And I can't slow it down... So I suppose I should move right along with it.




Less than a week from today I'll be in mid flight. Airborne & in route to Ethiopia. > a weeeeeek.


As I left my final meeting Sunday night, the reality of this trip set in and kept me up, mind racing in knowing that this week would be a little chaotic. I spent hours last night reflecting on just how fast this time came... and how the months leading up to it have been a little blurry. I think the reason I've written so much less is because I haven't really been able to organize my thoughts. With each passing day, there was just more to do, and seemingly less time to not do. However, my thoughts from last night have brought me to some things I am sure of. 


1. The past four months have been filled with some of the greatest tensions that my heart has ever known. Saying goodbye to the dreams you had for yourself are hard. (really really hard. repeat.) It doesn't just happen overnight. Stepping from the platform of familiarity into the great abyss of unknown is terrifying. But the timing of all of this doesn't surprise me. As it does never. For once in my life,  nothing is really certain. The only thing that is certain is that I am leaving in a week to enter into an uncharted framework. I am expectant that God will use me there... and even more so my abilities to accomplish change. I can't wait for Ethiopia. And all that it will mean for me...

*Village of Korah, Ethiopia (yes a trash dump city) 

2. And the One sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!" And then He said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true."

I will be returning home on the brink of a new year... a fresh begining... And I really have much more power than I realize to do all that will be asked of me. Prior decisions on how I spent my time, where my energies were exhausted, the person I was becoming, was so determinded on relationships with others. It's really time for that relationship to be Jesus. I strongly feel He has cleared the way for me to have limited to no distractions... He has met so many of my needs, and continues to do so daily. He's positioned my life in such a way that I really have the freedom to be the most productive for the Kingdom NOW. not later... not in another month, not when I have more money, not when I have some more things figured out... Now. right. now.

That is empowering. That hope for a new start compels me to do more than I ever thought I could. I just need to draw strength from each day, and move to the next in expectation.

3.....

I've had a blog brewing in me for some time about this very statement.. I think it will come post Ethiopia... but I know that this is the cry of my heart... & that most days I often feel very lonely in it.... 

I stand by this: I do not believe that Jesus Christ left Heaven, took on flesh, was crucified & died for our sins, so that you & I could have an easygoing, smooth, comfortable faith. A simple walk through life. Be as comfy as you can til you die. I just won't accept it. you can. But I can't. 

4.

*Korah, Ethiopia

I am blessed by you. Thank you for walking through the ever changing seasons of my life with me. Days I feel like giving up on writing, you are the encouragement I need to press onward. I am grateful to all parties who contributed to my trip, whether through finance, prayer, or an encouraging word... You have blessed my life... And I will always be here for you. In whatever capacity the Lord wills. 

I look forward to sharing all that God does with & through our team. I am smiling in excitement even now.

 my prayer for us all... forever... 

see you soon <3

*You're not just a body of flesh, bones and blood, You are alive, you're His precious child

                               And your soul will forever live on......

*Need to Breathe

*Flyleaf

Great Love. New Horizons.

*Here's a voice for the voiceless
& a song for the soulless
Life floods in... 

dis·ci·ple noun \di-ˈsī-pəl\
1: one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another: as
a : one of the twelve in the inner circle of Christ's followers according to the Gospel accounts
b : a convinced adherent of an individual

Synonyms: acolyte, adherent, convert, follower, epigone, liege man, partisan, pupil, votarist

It's taken a long time for me to learn what this word really means... And it's taken a lot more than time to realize the weight that the word actually carries....

I had an entry written out that I was convinced was the best I had ever written. In two years of having a blog I have never accidentally deleted anything... Until that entry... I think its safe for me to say that God had something very different He wanted me to say.

This weekend our pastor addressed the shadow side that lies within each of us. The dark corner that we often avoid... & how too often we will do what ever it takes to mask it... leaving us isolated and disillusioned that we have all the answers. That somehow we have it together. And everyone else needs  fixing...

A perfect lie. An epicenter of isolation.

A prime location for a grotesque foothold to take root.

Within the past three months I've experienced some of the greatest growing pains. I feel like something or someone (the later) has been chiseling away at my heart... something or someone (the later)  is literally sculpting away at me, relentlessly.

It's hurt. It's a painful process. 

But I've discovered you are of no use to anyone if you spend time masking it. There has to be room for error.. There has to be even more room for extended grace in such a process. To accept grace if you're the person in the season of unrest... and to extend it if you're the person who's in a season of strength, surely recalling your weaker moments when it was so genuinely given to you.

NO ONE IS GETTING ANYWHERE  BEING FAKE.

I don't think Peter shined his brightest when He denied the Lord. I'd say his shinning moment was most likely when He was hanging upside, crucified.... Honest... Authentic...

What does the life of a disciple really look like. Really... 

What are we wiling to admit today.
What are we are we tired of trying to fight... Better yet, What things are we not even addressing that are glaring back at us in the mirror.

Something I have continued learning, boldly, is that leaders lead from the front. And sometimes the life of a leader, the life of disciple, can be a lonely one.

I've felt pretty lonely for a bit now... And just when I am about to succumb to that loneliness... I remember this...

Perhaps God has cleared the roadway so that when I stand face to face with what He has for me, there will be nothing in the way to distract me. I will see it fully. Clearly.

*Bring your normalcy to the edge
& watch it drown in new horizons
New horizons.

There are new horizons ahead for me. Some that I'll be seeing shortly, as I spend this weekend in NYC. (aka #home). some just a few weeks ahead... Where I will be traveling to Ethiopia for 10 days, inundated in unfamiliarity.
I'm currently waiting. Just waiting. Waiting to start. Waiting to leave. Waiting for something to change.

And most days I'm not really happy about that. I accept it. But it doesn't mean I'm thrilled about where I am right now. That's honest.

But what I do know without a shadow of a doubt, is that I've been called to discipleship. And I know that even though this may be a strange season of hurt, disappointment, loneliness, slight abandonment & many questions unanswered, This truth is awaiting each of us, if we chose it....

"We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already through open His door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace  & glory... standing tall & shouting our praise...." romans 5:1-2

*Great Love setting the world on fire

I am in awe of who You are 

& it's Your love I'm living for...

Great Love filling me up inside...

 You are the one I'm looking for... 

& I am Yours, forevermore...



*lyrics from Flyleaf  

Exit Wounds

I've been kicked right down
I've been spat in the face
I've been pulled, weighed down
To the lowest place
I've been lied to, shamed
I have been disgraced
Been ex-communicated from every "holy" place...

I haven't really written in some time. Not due to the lack of interest... even the sake of time... but for the most, I think I've been afraid to be too honest... to say things that could potentially be harmful... things I may regret at a later time... 

When I think of the best word to sum up the past 2 months... it's been this:

bru·tal

   [broot-l]

adjective

1.

savage; cruel; inhuman: a brutal attack on the village.

2.

crude; coarse: brutal language.

3.

harsh; ferocious: brutal criticism; brutal weather.

4.

taxing, demanding, or exhausting: They're having a brutal timemaking ends meet.

5.

irrational; unreasoning.

I've realized that I've been surrounded by many hands sticking out towards me ready to take.

& take. & take. & take. & take. oh, & take.

With very little to offer me in return....

Using.

Posing.

Faking.

Surface.

I've seen many shades of those words intertwined within the unfolding weeks... Endless taking. Self serving. Followed by an-exit-stage-left. Either to never be heard from again... or inescapably present yet deafeningly silent...

I've been stabbed in the back 

While they promised the earth

Tried to keep my head high

For all I am worth...

Any time a person opens their hearts up to love... they allow themselves great potential for hurt. Love in any form... in friendship or romance... kindness to a stranger... mentorship & leadership, always leaves space for potential heartache. But what's even more unusual is when you can't explain the comings and goings of those relationships... How people can pass in & through & take & leave... leaving you confused. more than ever. 

"He gives & takes away."

I dont quite know how God works... if I did I would probably have it a lot more together than I do... but what I do know is that sometimes God prunes away the dead shrubbery to make room for the growth of roses.... 

The Lord I serve is in the business of making things beautiful. even out of the mire He finds us in...

I seriously feel that I am in a pruning season of life... God is cutting out the dead branches and scratching away the rotting surfaces... In order to take the roots of my spirit deeper... to be more than what I've been made out to be... 

Let me say this as clear and concise as possible: 

Invest in those who invest in you. 

If someone doesn't have time for you in any context,  They really aren't worth any of yours. 

If someone walks out of your life. Let 'em go. If they aren't in, then let them miss out. 
Their loss. Not yours. 

The deep hurt that has been done to me in this season has left me a little cold... and even more skeptical. I've lost some trust in people. & I've become guarded.

But I will not grow weary of doing good. The call of my life is far beyond the simpleness that I will surpass. Jesus has far too much of my focus. I know He'll get me on the other side of this... 

When love leaves. you are changed. & all that remains are exit wounds.

I'm simply in the healing process. Some of that's ugly. But I know a new strange strength will emerge... & I will surely laugh in the days to come....

God is good. He is now everything to me. 

The Wake Up

*Days they force you back under those covers

lazy mornings they multiply...

but glory's waiting outside your window

So wake on up from yourslumber.... Baby, open up your eyes...

West Coast Greetings friend! 

It's currently 2pm from where I reside. I'm surrounded by the rolling hills of wine country.

I'm writing you from a Starbucks that biked to. 

{Don't worry, I pinched myself too...}

Before I ventured out to the west side of the nation, I was plagued by heartache. Why? because...

Break ups suck. 

Right? Right 

Especially when the person you broke up with was supposed to be "the one". 

Right? Right.

& now your trying to figure out how you got where you did. What you could have done differently to change it....followed by realizing you did nothing to cause anything "wrong" or "bad" to make anything happen. That you aren't in control of your own life.... and then you accept the tough realization that you wouldn't want a single thing to have changed from what has unfolded. 

& you fully embrace the time & place & the circumstances & all that has brought you to this moment. 

Right? Right. 

I feel like my heart & head have been on the craziest almost-8-week roller coaster. And that parts of them were put in a blender and then some really mean source of energy hit the power button. & pureed everything. 

I'm not going to paint a pretty picture. Heart ache is messy. It brings out ugliness & exposes some of the corners that often times most people will never see. I'm telling you the truth. Not how I want you to think or what I'd like you to think. Mostly because through the brutality of what can some days feel like a never ending bad movie, joy resounding & adventure awaited is often times just on the other side...

Tongues are violent & personal & focused

Tough to beat with your steady mind

But hearts are stronger afterbroken

So, wake on up from yourslumber

Baby, open up your eyes...

Joy Resounding.

Adventure Awaited.

It's pretty plain. And even more so simple. You have choice. 

You stay weak in your own darkness. You stay bound by the heartache. You even stay entranced with your situation. And victimize yourself. You let others patronize your pain. You give others power of your moods. Your feelings. You stay simple. And manageable. & slowly but surely you let yourself 

defeat you. 

Or.....

All these victims

Stand in line for

The crumbs that fall from thetable

Just enough to get by

All the while,

Your invitation....

You push against the grain. You can trust God. Who won't ever lead you to brokenness. 

Who just so happens to specialize in restoration. 

You can dig deep. Really deep. 

You can take back what's been stolen. taken. or even what was freely given and not returned.

You can reclaim your strength. 

And own it. 

And move onward, forward into joy resounding & adventure awaited....

{{I've seen Him everywhere}} 

...Taste of the breakthrough & open wide...

I can honestly say that the past week of my life spent in Southern California was filled with glimpses and visions of the woman God is making me to be. Sometimes to really see God, we have to step out of what we know and enter into where there is no framework in order to allow Him to start reconstructing & instructing the road mapping...

& sometimes you're blessed enough to have lives intersect yours along the way that bring you laughter...

I just needed a wake up.

I can say in full sincerity that my life isn't really working out the way I planned...

& you know what. I thank God it isn't....

... Join me?

Sing it like we used to

& we'll dance like we wantto

Come on, darlin' & open up your eyes...

*Slumber by Need To Breathe

& I felt....

I've never written a blog from the bathroom floor.... until right now...

6 weeks. 42 days. 

That's been my extent of my surrender journey thus far. 

It's funny how that feels so much longer than it's been... And at the same time, hours can creep by, leaving me craving for something far beyond the painstaking passing of moments...

Once again, The Lord's timing is perfect... I'm getting ready to step away of what has been familiar... what has been secure... or has appeared to be. Away from some of the deepest hurts I've felt in almost 23 years....

I've finally caught a glimpse... maybe even a glimmer, of the light that is my very life.
My purpose... and all that God is truly asking of me..

*" Would I chose a future I could generate & control myself?- or would I sign on for the vagaries of a God guided life?..."

Being the control freakazoid that I am... you can imagine a question posed such as this would shutter my categories ever so slightly.

" Why not put your whole life in God's hands? Why not trust Him fully? I challenge you to give Him full clearance to lead your life - every area of your life- until the point that He proves Himself to be untrustworthy... At that moment. You can bail..." 

I finally decided that I was all in... and in realizing this, I was confronted with the honest truth, that God had really already decided for me...

I personally feel that in some cases, God will allow us to have our way, despite His promptings for something more for us... He'll allow complacent Christians to stay complacent, comfortable...

But I think for those who are pressing in... who are asking for more... who want to be fully utilized... who have an eternal motivation... and there's just one, one thing in the way of God having your full attention, heart, energy...

He will jealously fight for you...
& clear the way...
remove the distraction...
alter the road mapping... 
in order for your wings to spread to their full capacity...

He's cut me loose.... & I am more than ready to soar... with His wind under my wings...

"For reasons you do not have to understand, I am calling you to serve _________... 
I am making no promises it will be easy. In fact, it will require more sacrficice than anything else I have asked you to do.....but I am asking you, now...."


con·trol   [kuhn-trohl] verb, noun
         verb (used with object)
1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2. to hold in check; curb: to control one's emotions.
3. to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of


sur·ren·der verb \sə-ˈren-dər
         transitive verb
1 : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand 
2:  to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

Control vs. Surrender...They will forever be at opposition... And this is the absolute reason as to why the past 6 weeks, 42 days have been filled with absolutely unadulterated joy soon after compainied by tremendous resounding heart ache that seems to have no resolution...and so on again...

".... At that moment... you can bail.
     - but until then, give God total control... I challenge you to push the throttle as far as you can push it. & live your life wide open to God. See where His way takes you... I have a feeling you'll never regret it." 

I'm leaving in just a few short hours for a little bit of an adventure. The west coast has this alluring appeal I think to anyone really. And San Diego & Sonoma seem like the perfect places to heal a little, don't you agree?

I haven't bought a flight home. That seems rather earth shattering to some of the dearest people in my life, but leaving this trip slightly open ended is allowing some of that surrender-mindset to be carried through out this trip. I'm going away to see what God wants me to see there. To hear what He has to say to me there. When He says come home, I think that will be a good time to buy a flight home...

Until then... I'm all eyes. I'm all ears. Fully trusting. Reckless Abandonment. & ready for my God to simply blow my mind with His goodness.

I am blessed. 

I am beloved.

& I love you.

* All excerpts from Bill Hybels The Power of A Whisper