for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic...

So lets get right to it.

I am a broken person.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever foresee the journey that this year would be. It's quite amusing actually because it was this time last year, that I even began blogging. I am endlessly mind blown by timing. and how things tend to fall in place right when they should. Sometimes it's a little too scary how "perfect" things unfold.

Have you ever wanted to be free of something so badly but had no idea how to get out of it? That you knew that things could be different for you, but you didn't have any ground work laid to initiate change? That you desperately were longing to fully live the life that you projected, prayed for, lived in, searched out, desired, saw before you, around you, yet saw no real way of doing so because of the following:
1. entitlement 2. comparison 3. pride 4. a wounded heart. 5. fear

& I'm sure anything else you could imagine can stem from one of these things...

Bondage.

The thing that I think is most miraculous about this is, the One that we are proclaiming to seek whole hearted is none of things things. and anything that is of these things is not of Him. For it defies His nature and character.
1. For each one should carry his own load. Both of these verses teach that ultimately each individual should be doing their best to make their own way in life. Galatians 6:5
2.Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.Romans 12:6
3.Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud. Proverbs 16:18-19 
4. He heals the broken hearted and binds up there wounds. Psalm 147:3
5. For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline. 2nd Tim 1:7

what I learned swiftly was that God has been so relentless for my heart, that if I can't get myself out of a situation, if I am so bound by distraction, complacency, wandering, confusion, entitlement, comparison, pride, a broken heart, fear... HE WILL FORCE ME OUT OF IT. because He is above all things. He will not go away. He will not give up. He will not stop pursuing me.

Luke 15: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders, and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

These are the spoken words of Christ, Jesus, our Savior and Lord. 

He goes after you... because you belong to Him... He is constantly chasing you... YOU are the one who keeps running away... YOU are the one who is lost and can't be seen. In fact... I will be so bold to say, that the Lord seeks after YOU boundlessly compared to our great "seeking" of Him...

re·lent·less 

adj.

1. Unyielding in severity or strictness

2. Steady and persistent

& here is my favorite part. and, naturally, the most applicable to my lifeee. 

John 8:

"Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, 

“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

There is no condemnation on Your life. 

Because there is no other human being alive, capable or worthy of such declaration. 

Because before Jesus, not one can stand able. 

Through out the past two weeks. I have endured heartache that I haven't ever felt before. things have been left undefined and left unspoken. Words have been exchanged in populations I know not. Futures hang in ambiguity. & change is imminent. 

The only thing I am certain of is that for the first time in my entire life, I am walking in total freedom. & I think thats enough to trust that whatever is coming is far greater than anything that could derive on my own accord. I have failed myself endlessly. My entitlement, comparing nature, pride & arrogance, my obliterated heart & my unceasing fear in trying to command control, have only failed me to this point. 

what other choice do I have but to trust? to know this time its for real. That this time its different. That the freedom from bondage is right before my eyes. 

& the only suitable response is to cling to it. with two hands. and believe. 

easier said than done. but it's what I will do. 

A year ago I wrote down my first entry. Having no idea that what I was really doing was allowing not only myself, but others to have a glimpse into this uncertain journey, with changed lives being the key element in mind.

I have begged God for the past year for a transparent & honest heart.

I had no idea just what that looked like, until now. a year later. 

Lets do this. 

"You made a place for me, 

silenced all my accusers, 

my soul can't help but sing, Hallelujah."