When it Rains

it's raining today. One of the things I loathe most is rain.
Rain = Bleak.

I decided to title my blog today after the song by my newly acclaimed favorite band, Paramore (mostly because Haley Williams has written much of my life) due to the fact that the song reflects not only the current state of the weather, but of the current weathering in my heart.

This morning I gave up. For two weeks now I have been trying my best to stay distracted, project a positive attitude, force emotion, think of something else, talk to some one else. Be alone, be in community, read, sleep, apply to jobs, live.

This morning the monster emerged. I am the following:
Angry, bitter, confused, incredibly frustrated, uncertain and above all things, disappointed.

I have been completely side swiped before. Blindsided.
It is always painful in an awkward sort of way. It has also most often times, resulted in what I would consider a negative outcome.

And no, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
No, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?


The senior pastor at my church gave a three part series on being side swiped in life not that long ago. Bottom line, I should have been listening a little closer than I was.

I had simply reached my limit today. No words of wisdom or inspiring song, or quiet time, or distraction could contain what was about to erupt in my heart.

And so forth were my thoughts "I can not DO this anymore. I am done, I am hurt, the silence is deafening and the withdrawal is insulting. I've done nothing to warrant this lack of affection or removal of presence. This is not my idea of-"

....& then it hit me. 

every emotion that I felt this morning,
is exactly what Jesus felt. every. single. time. I removed myself... from Him.

I immediately felt this feeling come over me, reassuring me that my conclusion was correct. I felt like I simply heard Him say, this is the hurt I have felt over you, my Beloved. 
& yet through my every pulling away and leaving... He waited. He was patient. He didn't leave. He didn't lose control. He did not insult me. Or chastise me. Or declare ultimatums. Or decide to no longer love me.

He didn't do anything, but let me go. until I came back.

((As if I wasn't a puddle of tears enough? Now I am a human flood. & A hideous one at that.)) 

I know the greatest calling of our Christian faith is love others as Jesus has loved us. Given my current situation... I am not so sure if I am capable. I also don't know if that's just an excuse for myself.

I think for so long now I have created so many safe guards to prevent the experience of potential hurt and pain. I have deciphered methods of closing people out & have let my mind believe that I had some sort of control or upper hand. I have learned that those walls are quickly breaking and that the control I believe to possess is non existent. I am not sure what to do with that.

I've heard time and time again, if you love someone let them go. It still doesn't make sense to me. And I'm not quite sure how to do it. I think all I really want is to know where to go from this point. In which direction to start investing fruits & my full attention. But that day is not today. 

I hate rainy days.