Not Enough.

There are 24 hours in day.
There are 14 days in two weeks.

The past 336 hours have lead me here. This very well could be the most crucial blog I've ever written. In fact, I believe I have arrived on the crux, the pinnacle turning point of my life...

& here it is. I hope I have your full, undivided attention...

Despite my inherent capabilities of finding the correct words to match my emotions... I am truly stumped regarding how to best verbalize the roller coastering heart flux I have experienced in 336 hours.

(literally)

I feel ________________ (insert negative emotion)
I feel ____________________ (unbelievable positive affirmation) .... maybe 5 seconds later...

All of this has resulted from loss, a great loss. Probably one of the dearest losses my life has known.
Something is missing now.
& I am not quite sure how to exactly move onward from here. from this point right here.

The loss is comprised of the following:
a feeling, a person, a friendship, a future, a potential, a joy, a hardship, an investment,
a relief, an expectation, a let down, a fear, a hopefulness, an irreplaceable laughter, a permanence, a memory.

“Know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not.” 

― Valery Satterwhite

I have heard so many times that the hardest thing to do is to willingly give up the life we had planned so we can have the life in store for us. 

We are afraid.

We want comfortable.

We settle.

What I have realized in 336 hours is that all that has led me to this moment in time is simply not enough. I know what you are thinking too... "Is that girl nutz? She has been given so much... how could she even say such a thing.....not enough... who does she think she is?"

to those who don't know me. to those who may not even care for me. for those who don't understand me. Here it is plain & simple.

I will not be afraid. I will not be comfortable. 

I will not settle. 

I now know that willingly giving up that life, Realizing that you deserve more, that you were made for more... even if what your leaving behind isn't wrong or bad... is hard! You just know it would be less than what God has for you... & truly doing that, is the full culmination of Matthew 16:24-26:

"Then Jesus said to his disciples ( that is me, and any one who bears the name of Christ...) If ANY OF YOU wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow Me. If you try to hang on to your life, ( YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR comforts) *don't miss this...* .... You WILL lose it. But if you give up your life (wants, desires, comforts) for My sake... you will find it...."

you will find, life. & the life God intended for you... 

This past week I was reminded that I was made to lead. That I was meant, created, knit together and born to lead people, to Jesus. to impact lives. to restore love & hope in a broken world. To be a light in dark places, to have courage where there is none, to inspire people. to compel people to action. To use my gifts to do good. To literally be the change that I wish to see. 

Until my last day alive, I will fight for this... 

I know its hard... I'm literally going through this right now... You are not alone. I promise we can do this together, you & me. 

I firmly believe with my whole heart that the Lord has something extraordinary for us waiting... for me waiting... for you waiting... if we can wrap our heads around it & entrust our hearts to His calling.

It is not a calling made by force. 

It is not one laden with obnoxious haste.

It is simply comprised of gentle, relentless pursuit. Abundant love. Endless grace. 

He wants us to know the best life He can give us... why would we possibly settle... when something far greater than we can fathom is awaiting us. 

I don't know what you will do.

I don't know what choice you'll make. 

All I know is I hope that you will chose to not settle. That you would dig deep within yourself...and somehow find the strength within your bones.

(my best friend, always, always reminds me of this when I am struggling, hence why she is my best)

We don't serve a God who is comfortable. A God who knows fear. A God who is simple.

I am terrified of God. I am absolutely, positively fearful of Him... as I should be. He's God.....

& Yet,

I made a commitment to the Lord yesterday. It was to pray this prayer for my life every day for the next 30 days, in expectant hope that He would show up in my life & do things that I could never have done on my own. I wanted to share it with you, and ask you to hold me accountable that I am truly expectant of what God will do in my life. As He has promised.

No more waiting. 

I am entering into my weakness tonight... within our limited human capacity, lies true, uninhibited, supernatural, God-breathed strength...

I hope you will join me.

My prayer is that you would not let 336 hours pass, before you do.

*....He's calling, wake up child

it's your time to shine

You were born... for such a time as this....

I'm going to change the world. 

*Jake Hamilton, The Anthem