from my head to my heart

It's a strange thing to realize that you didn't mean as much to someone as you thought you did....

It's even a stranger thing to know that you are a stronger force alone, than with any one else...

the past few weeks have left me a little mutilated. Ergo, I feel as if I've been thrown into a blender... and now I'm trying to somehow put the pieces back together...
I am bruised, but not crushed
I have been struck down, but not destroyed...

What I know to be true is this... That despite my feeble attempts at figuring out my life... I have been brought to my knees with a swift reminder that I am not the maker of my destiny.
The pursuit of God after my heart is the only logical explanation for the events that unfolded as of late.

I've also realized that I have invested too much into people... I have given too much away... And I have not received true investment it return...

Am I too trusting? 

Am I an idiot? 

Perhaps. 

Or perhaps the time intended for someone or something to intersect your life has run it's course... and new seasons, new lives, and new journeys are ahead of me...

I do not know the answers. I am not sure that I ever will.
What I am sure of, even certain, is that the moment I let myself believe I am comfortable... The Lord has this jarring way of captivating my full attention...

The one who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. Luke 12:48

I have known for some time that much would be asked of me... Maybe I was even scared of it. How amusing that we will chose to settle for something that seems safer or, simpler... more manageable because of our fears of what would be required of us. 

When am I going to realize that I'm not living my life for myself? lol. The foundation, and core of my beliefs... and yet, so easily I become entangled into the lies that this life, my life, is about me.

I wonder how many more times I will forget. how many more times God will gently draw my back to himself.. Or, in this case... NOT so gently... 

I think the reason it hurt so much this time is because "it" was the only thing separating me from what I was called to do. This feeling, emotion, situation, was the only thing that could actually, stop me? from fulfilling my purpose..

He knew that. He's so rich in jealously for my heart, for my gifts, for my purpose... that allowing me to slip by Him simply wasn't an option...

"your pursuit of Me, is actually a response to My ardent pursuit of you..." -Jesus Calling 

There is much that I do not understand. 
There is even more that I do not want to understand...
I'm still not sure where to move from here.... But I know I must move... 

We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them & offering them to Him. - C. S. Lewis

I've never been one for the "embrace of suffering..." I've heard of that concept... but never one that I assumed I would willingly enter into...
The time is now. I know that God has something to say to me through this... I believe that... 
I don't doubt His goodness... not even for a moment....

I also know that the longer I ask the "whys" or the "why nots" the more that I will miss what is right in front of me... I may even miss what is just ahead of me...

In three short weeks, I will be traveling out to lovely San Diego... for some much needed rest, time with dear friends & even more, self discovery.

For once in my life, I'm going to invest a little in myself. As I stated, it's been so long, since I've done that... In fact, I'm not quite sure if I ever really have....

Although there is only an 18 inch distance between my head and my heart.... the journey from one from the other is far greater length than I anticipated.... 

I'm excited. He is making all things beautiful, in it's time. He is making, all things, new.

"The one who looked like a Man touched me... & I felt my strength returning.... " Daniel 10:18