I can't believe it has been so long since I blogged. I promised myself I would stay on top of this when I decided to start doing it back in November. It seems now I am even busier then when I was in school... (or maybe I was trying so hard to procrastinate that I somehow managed to have more free time?... ya that sounds right)
For those that know me well I am not one to sit down and chill. On top of my already itchy-pants personality, my life since graduating has seemed to be like a roller coaster and I can't get off. Don't get me wrong, being with friends, active in church, relaxing, working on photography have been so enjoyable. But I have to admit I have been dealing with some major changes/scenarios that wait in my not-so-distant future that have left me clinging a tad too tightly to insecurity.
The goal was to work through some of this while I was on vacation. Just a few days before I left, the weighty culmination of anxieties took their toll on a rather emotional night.
And so they are the following:
1. My boyfriend is going on a tour with his new band.
2. My best friend is moving to Tampa FL... for a year...
3. I am going to Haiti... all in 4 weeks....
I think what is most interesting about the scenario is that my best friend is moving a week before I leave. & my boyfriend will be playing at the Boston Hard Rock Cafe the first night I am in Haiti.
yeah.
The two closest people in my life to me will be miles and miles away from me, both heading on to their own adventures. I am thrilled for them. They are both incredibly talented people & God has huge plans for their lives... I can't wait to see what unfolds... but is it so wrong of me that I want them there when I leave... when I come back?.... Can I just be a little selfish please?
I think why I cried so hard was not so much that Dave & Tina wouldn't be there when I got back... but that they both would be gone before I left. That the night before I left to venture off into the unknown,what if all of my fears eat me alive and I won't have my dearest and most trusted advocates there to provide comfort & reassurance? I became very angry. And therefore emotional.... I found the timing of it all, just a tad bit particular...maybe too particular.
On my 6 hour ride to OBX, I had about 10 million thoughts circulating through my head. I just wanted the undeniable pressure to reside. I wanted some answers!
Over the course of the week, I decided to read a book my dear friend Bekah had given me. Now, here's my deal with reading. I don't. The book has to be pretty stinkin good to catch my attention long enough for me to sit down and actually take precious time to sit and to mull over someone else's make believe or not so make believe world. The book was called "Found Art" by Leanna Tanerksley. If nothing else I was intently intrigued by the cover (it looked like someone had painted the rainbow in oil paints across it). Little did I know that I was holding the key to much of what I needed to read. Pretty sure God knew it would grab me, just a few pages in.
I read the entire book in three beach visits.
Although I can't really sum up its greatness, and extreme relevance to my current emotions, I will be sure to pull certain writings to include in my upcoming blog posts. Something that struck a really awkward tune in my heart was this: "I've made a habit out of filling up most every quiet moment with at least a little bit of noise- enough to keep me distracted from the discomfort of not really knowing myself."
-um. wow. thanks for nailing that right on the head, Leanna.
I realized on the trip that I am afraid to let go of what I know, what is familiar, what I know to be comfort, because I have not truly given my fears and worries over to the Lord. plain and simple. I am too afraid to hand it over, let go, knowing that He is all good and knows my every desire and fear of my every heart string. I am afraid to be alone, because I am afraid of just what He may reveal to me in that silence. What He is calling me to do. Leanna said it perfectly. Most people tend to phrase my emotions better than I can.
Today I began my fast for Haiti. I've never really done a fast before, & will go into more detail about it in future entries. But as the trip draws closer... and as the days move faster, I will be putting down in words all of those swirling thoughts, as best I can. Giving what I can, daily, over to the Hands of the Creator.
Daily. Daily. Daily.
I will close with Leanna's words.... since there is no better way I could say it:
"If we let Him, He will be the invisible glue that seeps in & re-adheres what has been ripped open. He will be the light shinning into the contents of our most hidden boxes. He will soften our hearts, when we can't do it on our own. He will help us turn toward each other when all we want to do is walk away. He will help us let go of our grievances, when we desperately want to protect & nurture them. He will give us moments. & places. that will bind us together, forever...All we have to do, is remain the slightest bit open, to becoming well."
Leanna Tankersley. Found Art.
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