"& then one day, she______ "

moved. 

hoped. 

hid. 

prayed. 

laughed. 

ran. 

thought. 

quit. 

screamed. 

waited. 

hurried. 

cried. 

believed. 

wanted. 

wondered. 

doubted. 

wandered. 

sat. 

felt. 

loved. 

lost. 

2012. Why, its just around the corner. Just days stand between yet another passing year. A year that has been "foretold" to bring great duress and destruction. Potential abomination and apocalyptic activity. Perhaps even visits from extraterrestrials...I'm sorry. (laughing). I can't help myself! I suppose such things make perfect sense to those who do not know God's word, -or even God- let alone His promises and warnings for the future years of our world.

That being said- I wait in anxious anticipation for 2012, for I believe something is coming, in my life, that I never could have imagined...

- IF ONLY I COULD JUST KNOW WHAT IT IS!

I feel like I have consulted guidance and counsel from well respected advocates. I have presented multiple scenarios to potentially make movement towards. I have discussed and reevaluated. Prostrated and proposed. Prayed and planned out. - and then... I simply stumbled upon this....

James 4:13
You who say, "Today or tomorrow, we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money" -Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord will it, I will ____"

I think it is fascinating, yet not surprising, that we live in a society that fosters the idea that we can be self proclaimed authors to our own American Dream. That somehow at 18, or 20, or even 25... that we remarkably would be fully equipped with enough skill, knowledge base and financial structure to sustain our independence to the fullest and healthiest state. That by becoming "legal" adults we suddenly are filled with wisdom and discernment and all of the answers. And better yet, that we had to figure out everything by ourselves. I have no idea who decided that. Or who fostered and encouraged that mindset. But that person, or party, or belief system, is nothing more than a fool.

All this time I have been relying on my own strength and resources and skill base to try to figure out what in the world what I want to do with my life. The reason why I think it has been taking it's good ol' time in being discovered, is because I have had a heart like those that James speaks of so frankly. I have been trying to write what has already been written. I've essentially been cheating God of His Master design, believing that I knew more about me than He knew about me. And He created me, so I'm pretty sure that makes Him = 1, Me = None. He is the one who instilled my skills and dreams into my very being. I need to stop saying, "Lord show me what I think I might want to do" and start saying, "If You will it Lord, reveal to me what I was created to do."

so much is about to change. I can feel change just around the corner of a new year. I am starting to feel the purpose of my life creep into motion...

After  moving. hoping. hiding. praying. laughing. running. thinking. quitting. screaming. waiting. rushing. crying. believing. wanting. wondering. doubting. wandering. sitting. feeling. loving. & losing
... then one day, I let go...

& that day, is today.

"If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open; Come near to God, and He, will come near to you." James 1:5-8; 4:8