Architecture

*I'm an architect, of days that haven't happened yet...

ar·chi·tect

1.   One who designs and supervises the construction of buildings or other large structures.

2.   One who designs and guides a plan or undertaking

Has anyone else felt like this has been "run around like a headless chicken" week?


I don't know about you, but between photo shoots, scheduling upcoming shoots, editing past shoots, working. working. working, serving at church, planning to serve more at church, bible study, getting ready to move, seeing the boyfriend who is always a.) working b.) touring or c.) serving at church, keeping up with friends and family members, taking care of a crazy pit bull baby, maid of honor duties for one of my best friend's wedding, which is rapidly approaching, and a potential trip to Africa *praying praying praying* in July... I'm just a wee bit tired.


I have virtually planned every single day of my life from now until after mid August. With little to no room for deviation.


And of course the big girl questions are still buzzing about... like grad school or seminary ... or photo journalist....or national geographic .... or.... ____________ you fill in the blank! 


I have found myself exhausted by rigidity. But I often find that I lack framework for any other method to living. From the moment we are little its always about getting to whats next. The next birthday, the next grade...the next activity... then it progresses to the next 4 years of high school, then to the next 4 years of college... then to "the next step" in relationships and careers... 


I'm going to be 23 years old in October. When did that happen? Now in no way am I saying I am '"old" by any stretch, but I cannot deny that with each passing birthday, I feel time moving just a little faster... and I am slightly afraid of it. Afraid of scheduling myself to the point of passing days without intent and purpose.... So focused on getting to the "next" _________ that by the time I arrive I will feel as though everything was rushed in the process. 

"Now listen, you who say, "today or tomorrow, we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money..." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this... or that..." - James (the man) 4:13-15


This (no coincidence) was the verse in my devotional for today. I wrestled with what Ms. Joyce Meyer had to say about living ahead in the future instead of the present. She modeled her discussion off of this verse and wrote that we can plan whatever we want, but if it's not in the Lord's will for our lives, it won't happen. And even if plans "follow through" it may result in a harder road, because we chose our way, instead of the Highway (ya see what I did there ;)


How can I not be planning for my future? So much of who I am is a planner. Having an agenda is how I function! And of course, my mind wanders a little bit ahead of me sometimes... it seems appropriate to try to have a timeline, or time frame... orderliness... And then I realized. I've fallen victim to "the next" epidemic. 


Maybe we all have. And maybe it's a result of our condition. But I have to keep remembering that the God I serve is beyond time. Above a schedule and above my simple simple plans. He isn't watching the clock. And He certainly isn't following my itinerary. He is a God of freedom. Of interruption. Of "out of the blue"...


& I can be honest that, those things scare me a little. I was humbled today by how small I really am. How I'm really not that important. And how I spend the "mist" of time that I am here is actually quite crucial when looking at the bigger picture...


it's also no coincidence I heard this song today...



*"People today are trying to define themselves by what they can get out of life:
What they wear, how they look, how much stuff they have, what kind of car they drive.
I've been to a lot of funerals and have never yet eulogised for a person for any of that kind of stuff.


It's always about the relationships.


Were they kind? Were they generous? Did they help others?
It's always what they talked about because that's all that really counts in the end.


The people you touched are your real legacy. 
You're not defined by what you take from this world.
The fact is you won't take anything with you.
You're defined by what you leave behind, what you give to this world and by how you impact other people."

Sometimes, it's quite frightening how easily we lose sight of why we are here. I suppose that's why the Lord constantly is reminding us to remain humble.. and to constantly seek Him. The moment we forget Him, we instantly will fall back on serving ourselves. And as the Lord has proven time and time again, we will always fail ourselves, despite our greatest attempts...


One of my favorite verses is John 15:15... it simply states "apart from me, You can do nothing." Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing.
I have never interpreted that as a calloused and pious statement... but rather, a desperate urge to accept a deafening truth... I can feel Jesus begging us to understand, how much we need Him, trying to get us to see the great dependence we should have on Him. 


I've discovered so much of my disease is the desire for control. But I don't think I'm the only one who is seeking it. We may have different techniques or methodologies on how we carry out the desire... but the desire exists regardless. I didn't create myself. So how do I know how I work? Why would I ever assume I know what's best or that I have all the answers? Was I there when life began? When the universe was constructed together? When life was breathed into man from the dust of the earth? no. No, I am no Architect. But I do know a pretty good One... 
I think I should just leave the construction of my days up to the One who called my days into being, don't you agree? 

"It's been said that there's only two ways to live: You can either love things and use people, or you can love people and use things.

I've made my choice. I'm going to love people.

People, they last forever. Everything else just burns. Everything else just burns."

*John Mayer. Face to Call Home 

*Shirock. Everything Burns