I'm bigger than my body

“That’s sad. How plastic and artificial life has become. It gets harder and harder to find something…real.” Real love, real friends, real body parts…”― Jess C. Scott, The Other Side of Life

When I started this blog back in 2010, I really had no clear vision for what I intended it to be. I knew that rapid changes were occurring, and I wanted to find a way to write everything down so that I wouldn't miss or forget the transformation that was before me. As my writing progressed, it was then later on that the Lord revealed to me that my blog needed to serve as an tool of transparency. He asked me to be open and honest here. To not withhold the struggles and complexities of my life from it. To be authentic. To be clear and to the point. He asked me to be a vessel. He asked me to be genuine. with myself. and with you. 

I'm not really sure the exact moment when it all started. I didn't wake up one day and decide I didn't want to eat anymore. I also didn't decide to allow pervasive and at times, all consuming thoughts about my dissatisfaction with my physical appearance to flood my mind on a daily basis. I never wanted to care about something that was so perverse and dysfunctional... I also never wanted to have control over something that had complete control over me.

We can say its a result of our culture. Or a result of a chemical imbalance. Or from unnatural expectations. Or from insecurity. Or from a fatherless generation... or from men... Or women. Whatever we say it doesn't change the fact that *8 million Americans (that means women & men) are suffering from an eating disorder.

*"Although many people feel dissatisfied with some aspect of their appearance, these concerns usually don't constantly occupy their thoughts or cause them to feel tormented. But for some people, concerns about appearance become quite extreme and upsetting. Some people become so focused on imagined or minor imperfections in their looks that they can't seem to stop checking or obsessing about their appearance."

*95% of those with eating disorders are between the ages of 12-25...

 *Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate among mental illness. Not sure if anyone has realized this or not... but an eating disorder is a self-inflected mental disorder. 

I believe that it is natural that we all have something that we which was different, or that we could change about ourselves... but not to the point of self starvation.... self induced vomiting... laxatives... diet pills... extreme, radical demonstrations. 

“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
― Cheri K. Erdman.

Something is very wrong here. In a country where we have been INFINITELY blessed by abundance... I have found myself spending some days doing nothing but trying to avoid what has been so graciously, undeservedly given to me. 

I have an unhealthy relationship with food. 

I have a very, distorted body image.

I am one of the 8 million Americans who has an eating disorder

I am one of 8 million Americans who has an eating disorder who was made and loved by Jesus. 

“Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.” ― Fiona Apple

The entire dilemma that lies in battling mental illness is often times the will to want to be better, to want to change or be different. Despite the fact that I hate the immense amount of cognitive energy I waste on obsessing about all of this, doesn't void the terrorizing idea of what life would look like without the routine of this. I want to let go of the control... but the thought of not having the control is what is paralyzing. 

This type of thinking is not limited to mental disability... but rather, a perfect image of what our entire faith in the Lord looks like. We do not possess the control. The Lord asks us to surrender daily, because the freedom He can offer us beyond the "security" of our strongholds is incomprehensible. All we need to do is unclench our fists. 

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetic herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”― Steve Maraboli

I needed to write this down. And as hard as it is for me, the more that I discuss it, the less pervasive it becomes. The more I share, the easier it gets. The more fellowship I am a part of, the more heartfelt prayer I receive. The more light I cast upon it, the more darkness is diminished. 

you know, It may come across to you as something really silly. Something that I should just "get over" or something that "I must be crazy for thinking." & maybe I should just get over it. & Maybe, just maybe I am crazy. But I have been often reminded that Jesus didn't carry His cross so we didn't have to. He carried His cross, so that we could carry ours. 

This is my cross. My heavy burden. And despite the weaker areas of my life, my prayer is that one day, I will be able to help others like me. That my testimony will demonstrate what Jesus has already done & what He can do in the life of a broken person. He has already won this battle for me. Whether I never have total freedom in this life from it, He has already secured freedom from it in the next. & I'm ok with that. 

“Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it's about knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can't have it.” ― Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything

Someday I'll fly. Someday, I'll soar.

Someday I'll be, so much more. 

Because I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.

 *National Associate for Anorexia and Associated Eating Disorders