Exit Wounds

I've been kicked right down
I've been spat in the face
I've been pulled, weighed down
To the lowest place
I've been lied to, shamed
I have been disgraced
Been ex-communicated from every "holy" place...

I haven't really written in some time. Not due to the lack of interest... even the sake of time... but for the most, I think I've been afraid to be too honest... to say things that could potentially be harmful... things I may regret at a later time... 

When I think of the best word to sum up the past 2 months... it's been this:

bru·tal

   [broot-l]

adjective

1.

savage; cruel; inhuman: a brutal attack on the village.

2.

crude; coarse: brutal language.

3.

harsh; ferocious: brutal criticism; brutal weather.

4.

taxing, demanding, or exhausting: They're having a brutal timemaking ends meet.

5.

irrational; unreasoning.

I've realized that I've been surrounded by many hands sticking out towards me ready to take.

& take. & take. & take. & take. oh, & take.

With very little to offer me in return....

Using.

Posing.

Faking.

Surface.

I've seen many shades of those words intertwined within the unfolding weeks... Endless taking. Self serving. Followed by an-exit-stage-left. Either to never be heard from again... or inescapably present yet deafeningly silent...

I've been stabbed in the back 

While they promised the earth

Tried to keep my head high

For all I am worth...

Any time a person opens their hearts up to love... they allow themselves great potential for hurt. Love in any form... in friendship or romance... kindness to a stranger... mentorship & leadership, always leaves space for potential heartache. But what's even more unusual is when you can't explain the comings and goings of those relationships... How people can pass in & through & take & leave... leaving you confused. more than ever. 

"He gives & takes away."

I dont quite know how God works... if I did I would probably have it a lot more together than I do... but what I do know is that sometimes God prunes away the dead shrubbery to make room for the growth of roses.... 

The Lord I serve is in the business of making things beautiful. even out of the mire He finds us in...

I seriously feel that I am in a pruning season of life... God is cutting out the dead branches and scratching away the rotting surfaces... In order to take the roots of my spirit deeper... to be more than what I've been made out to be... 

Let me say this as clear and concise as possible: 

Invest in those who invest in you. 

If someone doesn't have time for you in any context,  They really aren't worth any of yours. 

If someone walks out of your life. Let 'em go. If they aren't in, then let them miss out. 
Their loss. Not yours. 

The deep hurt that has been done to me in this season has left me a little cold... and even more skeptical. I've lost some trust in people. & I've become guarded.

But I will not grow weary of doing good. The call of my life is far beyond the simpleness that I will surpass. Jesus has far too much of my focus. I know He'll get me on the other side of this... 

When love leaves. you are changed. & all that remains are exit wounds.

I'm simply in the healing process. Some of that's ugly. But I know a new strange strength will emerge... & I will surely laugh in the days to come....

God is good. He is now everything to me. 

The Wake Up

*Days they force you back under those covers

lazy mornings they multiply...

but glory's waiting outside your window

So wake on up from yourslumber.... Baby, open up your eyes...

West Coast Greetings friend! 

It's currently 2pm from where I reside. I'm surrounded by the rolling hills of wine country.

I'm writing you from a Starbucks that biked to. 

{Don't worry, I pinched myself too...}

Before I ventured out to the west side of the nation, I was plagued by heartache. Why? because...

Break ups suck. 

Right? Right 

Especially when the person you broke up with was supposed to be "the one". 

Right? Right.

& now your trying to figure out how you got where you did. What you could have done differently to change it....followed by realizing you did nothing to cause anything "wrong" or "bad" to make anything happen. That you aren't in control of your own life.... and then you accept the tough realization that you wouldn't want a single thing to have changed from what has unfolded. 

& you fully embrace the time & place & the circumstances & all that has brought you to this moment. 

Right? Right. 

I feel like my heart & head have been on the craziest almost-8-week roller coaster. And that parts of them were put in a blender and then some really mean source of energy hit the power button. & pureed everything. 

I'm not going to paint a pretty picture. Heart ache is messy. It brings out ugliness & exposes some of the corners that often times most people will never see. I'm telling you the truth. Not how I want you to think or what I'd like you to think. Mostly because through the brutality of what can some days feel like a never ending bad movie, joy resounding & adventure awaited is often times just on the other side...

Tongues are violent & personal & focused

Tough to beat with your steady mind

But hearts are stronger afterbroken

So, wake on up from yourslumber

Baby, open up your eyes...

Joy Resounding.

Adventure Awaited.

It's pretty plain. And even more so simple. You have choice. 

You stay weak in your own darkness. You stay bound by the heartache. You even stay entranced with your situation. And victimize yourself. You let others patronize your pain. You give others power of your moods. Your feelings. You stay simple. And manageable. & slowly but surely you let yourself 

defeat you. 

Or.....

All these victims

Stand in line for

The crumbs that fall from thetable

Just enough to get by

All the while,

Your invitation....

You push against the grain. You can trust God. Who won't ever lead you to brokenness. 

Who just so happens to specialize in restoration. 

You can dig deep. Really deep. 

You can take back what's been stolen. taken. or even what was freely given and not returned.

You can reclaim your strength. 

And own it. 

And move onward, forward into joy resounding & adventure awaited....

{{I've seen Him everywhere}} 

...Taste of the breakthrough & open wide...

I can honestly say that the past week of my life spent in Southern California was filled with glimpses and visions of the woman God is making me to be. Sometimes to really see God, we have to step out of what we know and enter into where there is no framework in order to allow Him to start reconstructing & instructing the road mapping...

& sometimes you're blessed enough to have lives intersect yours along the way that bring you laughter...

I just needed a wake up.

I can say in full sincerity that my life isn't really working out the way I planned...

& you know what. I thank God it isn't....

... Join me?

Sing it like we used to

& we'll dance like we wantto

Come on, darlin' & open up your eyes...

*Slumber by Need To Breathe

& I felt....

I've never written a blog from the bathroom floor.... until right now...

6 weeks. 42 days. 

That's been my extent of my surrender journey thus far. 

It's funny how that feels so much longer than it's been... And at the same time, hours can creep by, leaving me craving for something far beyond the painstaking passing of moments...

Once again, The Lord's timing is perfect... I'm getting ready to step away of what has been familiar... what has been secure... or has appeared to be. Away from some of the deepest hurts I've felt in almost 23 years....

I've finally caught a glimpse... maybe even a glimmer, of the light that is my very life.
My purpose... and all that God is truly asking of me..

*" Would I chose a future I could generate & control myself?- or would I sign on for the vagaries of a God guided life?..."

Being the control freakazoid that I am... you can imagine a question posed such as this would shutter my categories ever so slightly.

" Why not put your whole life in God's hands? Why not trust Him fully? I challenge you to give Him full clearance to lead your life - every area of your life- until the point that He proves Himself to be untrustworthy... At that moment. You can bail..." 

I finally decided that I was all in... and in realizing this, I was confronted with the honest truth, that God had really already decided for me...

I personally feel that in some cases, God will allow us to have our way, despite His promptings for something more for us... He'll allow complacent Christians to stay complacent, comfortable...

But I think for those who are pressing in... who are asking for more... who want to be fully utilized... who have an eternal motivation... and there's just one, one thing in the way of God having your full attention, heart, energy...

He will jealously fight for you...
& clear the way...
remove the distraction...
alter the road mapping... 
in order for your wings to spread to their full capacity...

He's cut me loose.... & I am more than ready to soar... with His wind under my wings...

"For reasons you do not have to understand, I am calling you to serve _________... 
I am making no promises it will be easy. In fact, it will require more sacrficice than anything else I have asked you to do.....but I am asking you, now...."


con·trol   [kuhn-trohl] verb, noun
         verb (used with object)
1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2. to hold in check; curb: to control one's emotions.
3. to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of


sur·ren·der verb \sə-ˈren-dər
         transitive verb
1 : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand 
2:  to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

Control vs. Surrender...They will forever be at opposition... And this is the absolute reason as to why the past 6 weeks, 42 days have been filled with absolutely unadulterated joy soon after compainied by tremendous resounding heart ache that seems to have no resolution...and so on again...

".... At that moment... you can bail.
     - but until then, give God total control... I challenge you to push the throttle as far as you can push it. & live your life wide open to God. See where His way takes you... I have a feeling you'll never regret it." 

I'm leaving in just a few short hours for a little bit of an adventure. The west coast has this alluring appeal I think to anyone really. And San Diego & Sonoma seem like the perfect places to heal a little, don't you agree?

I haven't bought a flight home. That seems rather earth shattering to some of the dearest people in my life, but leaving this trip slightly open ended is allowing some of that surrender-mindset to be carried through out this trip. I'm going away to see what God wants me to see there. To hear what He has to say to me there. When He says come home, I think that will be a good time to buy a flight home...

Until then... I'm all eyes. I'm all ears. Fully trusting. Reckless Abandonment. & ready for my God to simply blow my mind with His goodness.

I am blessed. 

I am beloved.

& I love you.

* All excerpts from Bill Hybels The Power of A Whisper 

from my head to my heart

It's a strange thing to realize that you didn't mean as much to someone as you thought you did....

It's even a stranger thing to know that you are a stronger force alone, than with any one else...

the past few weeks have left me a little mutilated. Ergo, I feel as if I've been thrown into a blender... and now I'm trying to somehow put the pieces back together...
I am bruised, but not crushed
I have been struck down, but not destroyed...

What I know to be true is this... That despite my feeble attempts at figuring out my life... I have been brought to my knees with a swift reminder that I am not the maker of my destiny.
The pursuit of God after my heart is the only logical explanation for the events that unfolded as of late.

I've also realized that I have invested too much into people... I have given too much away... And I have not received true investment it return...

Am I too trusting? 

Am I an idiot? 

Perhaps. 

Or perhaps the time intended for someone or something to intersect your life has run it's course... and new seasons, new lives, and new journeys are ahead of me...

I do not know the answers. I am not sure that I ever will.
What I am sure of, even certain, is that the moment I let myself believe I am comfortable... The Lord has this jarring way of captivating my full attention...

The one who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. Luke 12:48

I have known for some time that much would be asked of me... Maybe I was even scared of it. How amusing that we will chose to settle for something that seems safer or, simpler... more manageable because of our fears of what would be required of us. 

When am I going to realize that I'm not living my life for myself? lol. The foundation, and core of my beliefs... and yet, so easily I become entangled into the lies that this life, my life, is about me.

I wonder how many more times I will forget. how many more times God will gently draw my back to himself.. Or, in this case... NOT so gently... 

I think the reason it hurt so much this time is because "it" was the only thing separating me from what I was called to do. This feeling, emotion, situation, was the only thing that could actually, stop me? from fulfilling my purpose..

He knew that. He's so rich in jealously for my heart, for my gifts, for my purpose... that allowing me to slip by Him simply wasn't an option...

"your pursuit of Me, is actually a response to My ardent pursuit of you..." -Jesus Calling 

There is much that I do not understand. 
There is even more that I do not want to understand...
I'm still not sure where to move from here.... But I know I must move... 

We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them & offering them to Him. - C. S. Lewis

I've never been one for the "embrace of suffering..." I've heard of that concept... but never one that I assumed I would willingly enter into...
The time is now. I know that God has something to say to me through this... I believe that... 
I don't doubt His goodness... not even for a moment....

I also know that the longer I ask the "whys" or the "why nots" the more that I will miss what is right in front of me... I may even miss what is just ahead of me...

In three short weeks, I will be traveling out to lovely San Diego... for some much needed rest, time with dear friends & even more, self discovery.

For once in my life, I'm going to invest a little in myself. As I stated, it's been so long, since I've done that... In fact, I'm not quite sure if I ever really have....

Although there is only an 18 inch distance between my head and my heart.... the journey from one from the other is far greater length than I anticipated.... 

I'm excited. He is making all things beautiful, in it's time. He is making, all things, new.

"The one who looked like a Man touched me... & I felt my strength returning.... " Daniel 10:18

Not Enough.

There are 24 hours in day.
There are 14 days in two weeks.

The past 336 hours have lead me here. This very well could be the most crucial blog I've ever written. In fact, I believe I have arrived on the crux, the pinnacle turning point of my life...

& here it is. I hope I have your full, undivided attention...

Despite my inherent capabilities of finding the correct words to match my emotions... I am truly stumped regarding how to best verbalize the roller coastering heart flux I have experienced in 336 hours.

(literally)

I feel ________________ (insert negative emotion)
I feel ____________________ (unbelievable positive affirmation) .... maybe 5 seconds later...

All of this has resulted from loss, a great loss. Probably one of the dearest losses my life has known.
Something is missing now.
& I am not quite sure how to exactly move onward from here. from this point right here.

The loss is comprised of the following:
a feeling, a person, a friendship, a future, a potential, a joy, a hardship, an investment,
a relief, an expectation, a let down, a fear, a hopefulness, an irreplaceable laughter, a permanence, a memory.

“Know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not.” 

― Valery Satterwhite

I have heard so many times that the hardest thing to do is to willingly give up the life we had planned so we can have the life in store for us. 

We are afraid.

We want comfortable.

We settle.

What I have realized in 336 hours is that all that has led me to this moment in time is simply not enough. I know what you are thinking too... "Is that girl nutz? She has been given so much... how could she even say such a thing.....not enough... who does she think she is?"

to those who don't know me. to those who may not even care for me. for those who don't understand me. Here it is plain & simple.

I will not be afraid. I will not be comfortable. 

I will not settle. 

I now know that willingly giving up that life, Realizing that you deserve more, that you were made for more... even if what your leaving behind isn't wrong or bad... is hard! You just know it would be less than what God has for you... & truly doing that, is the full culmination of Matthew 16:24-26:

"Then Jesus said to his disciples ( that is me, and any one who bears the name of Christ...) If ANY OF YOU wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow Me. If you try to hang on to your life, ( YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR comforts) *don't miss this...* .... You WILL lose it. But if you give up your life (wants, desires, comforts) for My sake... you will find it...."

you will find, life. & the life God intended for you... 

This past week I was reminded that I was made to lead. That I was meant, created, knit together and born to lead people, to Jesus. to impact lives. to restore love & hope in a broken world. To be a light in dark places, to have courage where there is none, to inspire people. to compel people to action. To use my gifts to do good. To literally be the change that I wish to see. 

Until my last day alive, I will fight for this... 

I know its hard... I'm literally going through this right now... You are not alone. I promise we can do this together, you & me. 

I firmly believe with my whole heart that the Lord has something extraordinary for us waiting... for me waiting... for you waiting... if we can wrap our heads around it & entrust our hearts to His calling.

It is not a calling made by force. 

It is not one laden with obnoxious haste.

It is simply comprised of gentle, relentless pursuit. Abundant love. Endless grace. 

He wants us to know the best life He can give us... why would we possibly settle... when something far greater than we can fathom is awaiting us. 

I don't know what you will do.

I don't know what choice you'll make. 

All I know is I hope that you will chose to not settle. That you would dig deep within yourself...and somehow find the strength within your bones.

(my best friend, always, always reminds me of this when I am struggling, hence why she is my best)

We don't serve a God who is comfortable. A God who knows fear. A God who is simple.

I am terrified of God. I am absolutely, positively fearful of Him... as I should be. He's God.....

& Yet,

I made a commitment to the Lord yesterday. It was to pray this prayer for my life every day for the next 30 days, in expectant hope that He would show up in my life & do things that I could never have done on my own. I wanted to share it with you, and ask you to hold me accountable that I am truly expectant of what God will do in my life. As He has promised.

No more waiting. 

I am entering into my weakness tonight... within our limited human capacity, lies true, uninhibited, supernatural, God-breathed strength...

I hope you will join me.

My prayer is that you would not let 336 hours pass, before you do.

*....He's calling, wake up child

it's your time to shine

You were born... for such a time as this....

I'm going to change the world. 

*Jake Hamilton, The Anthem 

All Things New

*Peace be still

You are near

There's nowhere we can go

That You wont shine redemption's light...

Ever wake up and assume that your day will just run smoothly? Or that the expectations that you had about the day were completely shattered by a carpet pulled from under you? Or despite how many times you had rehearsed what your heart felt, communicating it didn't quite go as planned?

Sigh. That was my yesterday.

Still a little rattled, and not quite sure of certainty, I am left shaky.

When something is taken from you, perhaps you were holding on a little too tightly.

I’ve learned some things this weekend:

Nothing, absolutely nothing, is perfect, if it’s real. If it’s bleeding authenticity, it is not perfect. It is flawed. It has struggle. It is broken. And it’s in pursuit of something far greater than itself. It is in pursuit of perfect strength. And that lies only beyond the outer limits of this universe.

I’ve also learned that God’s timing is perfect. When we challenge that… when we start to believe we might have a better schedule… or a better frame in which things should happen for ourselves, The Lord will get our attention. Our entire focus.

Furthermore. Our God is fiercely jealous for our hearts. Especially if our lives are on the brink of fully investing into His Kingdom. And the only thing standing in the way, is a small, insignificant hindrance.

...as You rise, we come alive...

I find that events such as this would occur within this time frame...

I am not surprised.

A year ago this day, I journeyed straight into the heart of my greatest fear. I stepped out of what felt comfortable and safe… clung to the Lord. And went to Haiti.

A year ago, today.

Within this year… the Lord has stretched, taught, revealed, instructed, & blessed me in ways I never thought possible. All for my good. My benefit…

Here I am today, the same day, standing with my head towards the sky, palms up, with nothing more to hold onto, but my silly uncertainty. I am once again staring my greatest fear straight in the face. And I know that the adventure of my life lies right on the other side of it…. Just as it did before.

Your love never ending

Your grace never failing

Redemption is calling us home....

Despite a really hard day yesterday, within a really hard moment, 

I heard from the Lord.

Now I have never heard an audible voice from God. I am not sure if I ever will. But there were words spoken within my spirit… that I heard, understood, and believed.

I heard, understood, and believed 

“It’s going to be okay.”’

His relentless pursuit of my heart is enough for me. It may not have been enough at one point. And my simpleness demanded more…. Hoped for more. My insecurities longed for something more tangible… something my senses could feel. Something I could get my arms around…

The journey of my life is something that will never be able to be boxed, contained, managed. No human arms can get around the piece I play in this great adventure. 

For the story of my faith, 

& my life, 

& my purpose, for the Lord… will far surpass time & flesh.

I don't quite now what to make of all of this... I suppose I will be taking it day by day. Maybe moment by moment. What I do know, is that all that is ahead is far better than what lies behind me.

And I'm ready. More than ever.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path, & leave a trail"- Ralph Waldo Emerson 

You are making all things new

You are making all things new

You are making all things new

& we are free....

*All Things New, Elevation Worship