my song from the suburbs

This American dream is 
not what it seems. 
Maybe we're still breathing
but we're all asleep...


Monday morning. The first day to a new week. For most, a dreaded morning. I never really disliked Mondays. In high school/ college I was still coming off the high from the weekend... Wednesdays were always my death day. Mid week. Two down, two more to go. Trapped....
I usually cherish Mondays & this Monday particularly.


I'm not going to lie. Last week was unnaturally bad. As I stated in my last entry, I felt that I was experiencing an immense amount of spiritual attack. things ranged from the simple, such as worries, being unable to sleep, cars breaking down, & therefore beginning the search for a new one... to the not so simple, such as tension, a fatigued spirit, starting a not-so-dream-job, and learning how to say goodbye to a once beloved friendship... 

Pretty cars and pretty houses

Pretty people on parade

If this dream is what you're after

Then dreamin' is where you'll stay....

I was certain that the week was hard because something extraordinary was about to happen. It tends to be that way.. or at least as I get older it seems to appear that way. 

I sat in on one of the best sermons I've ever heard in my life. The exceptional Adam Workman, preached about how we can be walking through life, proclaiming that we know Jesus, doing good works in Jesus' name, serving on behalf of Jesus, praying and asking of Jesus... and completely miss knowing Jesus. Essentially walking through life, asleep. Missing it. Eyes closed to what this life is really all about... It was a message that I believe as followers of God, we need to hear over and over again. 

He also spoke about the apostle Peter... who is believed to be Jesus' most trusted earthly advocate. I stumbled upon a writing about Peter, that states: "The two letters Peter writes exhibit the Christ-like qualities that the Holy Spirit shaped in him: a readiness to embrace suffering, rather prestige, wisdom developed from experience, not imposed from a book, & humility that lacks nothing in vigor, or imagination..."

1. a readiness to embrace suffering, rather prestige

2. wisdom developed from experience, not imposed from a book

3. & humility that lacks nothing in vigor, or imagination

This is what St. Peter, Jesus' most beloved advocate was striving for? Not a dream. Not for security, not to be well respected. Not to be successful. Not to be happily married with a family, not money. Not what he could get out of it. Not seeking after what he believed his faithfulness deserved. Nothing more, than more of Jesus.

Are we just runnin' in the dark or livin'? 
Are we just runnin' in the dark or livin'?

I wonder if we all are missing it. I wonder if we are all really walking around with eyes closed, asleep. 

I am certain that the enemy knew that I would have these words graze over my ears this weekend. & That my heart would be set a fire, with a passion & a desire to know my Jesus even more...

To really press into Him.. to truly seek Him, above all else...

& am grateful, that despite his many attempts to de-rail me... this Monday morning, he has failed..

This Monday morning I feel restored. 

This Monday morning, I am hopeful.

This Monday morning, I want to be like St. Peter.

This Monday morning, I all I want is more of Jesus.

Oh, cause I wanna live

Until I die

Don't let the devil, bury me alive

when my heart stops,

let me go home

Don't let the suburbs

kill my heart & soul.... 

*lyrics by Ben Rector. Song for the Suburbs

In the midst of besiegement...

"It's useless to rise early and go to bed late, and work your worried fingers to the bone. Don't you know He enjoys giving rest to those He loves?" Psalm 127:2


It seems that these days I never have a moment to catch my breath. I feel as though I am constantly planning, moving, running etc. There is always somewhere to be, someone to aid, something to do, someone needing something from me. I have felt rather scattered... There never seems to be enough time, no matter how early I wake up, today at 4 am. 

I just started a new bible study at my church, (phenomenal- I recommend this to all ladies in my local community) and last week's topic was on weariness. I felt like I fit right into the discussion. My weariness has not been from physical exhaustion, but really from what I perceive as restlessness and most recently immense spiritual warfare. 


I can not sleep through the night. 
Taunted by nightmares or fears.
And this week alone, I have literally felt as though I was being sabatoged. Everything that could have gone wrong did. Weird, unexplainable difficulties have been thrown with in my path. I have prayed for peace, rest and solitude. And feel as though a counter force has plagued me with interuption, distraction, and many curve balls. 


This morning I literally broke down. I had had enough. Broken in my spirit, crying out for some sort of peace and productivity, but it did not come. I cried out, "Lord, where are you in this?! I can not see you."


Silence. 


With the attempt to balance starting a new job tomorrow, leading worship this weekend at my church, playing much needed catch up on photo work, all without a mode of transportation (RIP little honda) has left me a tad bit shaken. 


The only comfort that I have found this week, is the continual repeat of a song that is loaded with truth. No matter where I have been, or what I have been doing, this song has served as a soft melodic soundtrack, in order to help me press forward to a weekend following a broken week. 


A few weeks ago when I served leading worship at my church, we included this song as a special song. My friend Brooke sang it, and I literally cry every time I hear it. It has been one of my favorite songs for quite some time... I wanted to include the version we played *(Love Came Down link at the bottom). So that incase you are having a week like mine, you too could be comforted by the words of this powerful song. I pray that they continuously wash over us, even if it is simply from moment to moment. 

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26


Prayers for us all<3 

Love Came Down

& I, find myself here... again

"There are those whose lives affect all others around them. Quietly touching one heart, who in turn touches another. Reaching out to ends further than they would ever know."- William Bradfield

Today's entry is short and all too sweet. Through out this week I have been simply humbled over and over, again and again, by the way that God uses our stories. How he has allow(s/ed) us to undergo a circumstance that may seem trying or crushing or even gut wrenching - and by us simply sharing our experience, another person benefits.

Having the ability to look back and be able to sit with someone who is currently experiencing something you once did, therefore allowing you to share insight or support, is God making something beautiful out of something that is not. Or that's how I feel at least..

Last night I got to sit down and share my testimony with two ladies who have sought after having me come speak to a small group of middle/high school girls. They wanted me to share with them things that I had been through in order to potential help these young girls who may be currently facing the same hardships that I did.

It was all too humbling. 

When I think back to those darker days. When hope seemed dim and my world seemed small... All of the pain and scars and insecurities... To know that a few years later, a testimonial would be in place to shine light on those dark areas of life, not to just one... but to many young people.... Is something that I would enter into all over again... just for such an outcome..

We will overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of our Testimony.

Such words couldn't ring truer. Jesus is the healer of all dark corners. Of shames and sorrows. And He sets us free from old ways of living by grace undeserving and all surpassing...

...but I think what really sets us free... is the sharing of our story... the documenting... the vocalizing... 

It demonstrates the severing of an old life... a history. No longer present tense... It allows others to see what Jesus overcame in us. And hope spreads like a raging virus to those who are searching and seeking...

Your words have power. Your story demonstrates new life.

I wanted to encourage you today that if given the opportunity, to share with some one the trying times of your life and faith... and How God brought you through it... Maybe you are in that process right now... and He may seem very far from you... friend I smile and rejoice, because you are right smack dab in the middle of a great story unfolding. Hold on to hope. Take courage. And believe that all things are possible through His mighty hands.

In sharing, often times I find that those who receive my words, bless my heart far greater than I bless theirs. God is good. He is so good.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because the world needs people who have come alive."- Howard Thurman

Real

re·al:

genuine; not counterfeit, artificial, or imitation; authentic

" There is in true beauty, as in courage, something which narrow souls cannot dare to admire."- William Congreve

"If you have seen nothing but the beauty of their markings and limbs, their true beauty is hidden from you." - Al Mutannabbi

"A woman's true beauty lies within the reflection of her own inner happiness"- author unknown

"There are no better cosmetics than a severe temperance and purity, modesty and humility, a gracious temper and calmness of spirit; and there is no true beauty without the signatures of these graces in the very countenance."- Author Helps

Today is the eve of the release of what started out as a simple vision and a small conversation over dinner between two friends. Plotting and dreaming, my sweet friend and I wanted to some how portray a body of work that was authentic. That would above all things be empowering and inspiring. I believe we have accomplished this. Tomorrow I will be revealing the long awaited series. I hope that you will stay tuned... <3 me

let him love Him more than you.

"For I am full of words,
& the Spirit within me compels me." Job 32:18

The Lord laid this on my heart this morning. So here goes nothing.

Before I really even get into it, I want to address my Lady readers in this entry. Most times I try to write objectively, but this is totally directed at the womenfolk.

I also want you to know the person writing to you (ahem, me) is/was/will be probably as insecure as you are/were/will be. So no fear or condemnation love.

something that I have seen over and again are insecure women in relationships. Often times, insecurity is the driving force behind most of our conscious and unconscious motivations -> which then transpires into behaviors -> behaviors into patterns. & so on & so on....

Insecurity creeps in and masks itself fairly well:

I've seen some women who are too afraid to challenge the person in their relationship because they are afraid of ultimate rejection. So they stay silent and stay in the shadow of their significant other....
..... I have also seen many women who secretly want their boyfriend/fiance/husband to sort of "take the reigns" of a relationship, but out of fear of disappointment go ahead and do it themselves. They don't even give the dude a chance, because they are too afraid that the desire of their heart will not be met by the one they care for so dearly...
.... I have even seen women who sequel the dreams and desires of their man because they are afraid of where those dreams and desire may just lead them... ultimately away from you. They quench & even discourage God given passions because they are selfishly fearful of what the outcomes will result in.

I have been that woman. Perhaps you have been as well

We are driven by our own fears with out maybe ever even realizing it. But in order to have a healthy and God ordained relationship, Ladies:

 the one you love, has to love Him more than he loves you. 

In order for him to love you the way that you deserve and the way that Lord has commanded men to love and respect women, He needs to be seeking after what God is asking of Him far before he seeks what you are asking of Him. It took me forever to understand that these are not separate ideas, but are meant to be intertwined functional elements. If you really want the best for the person that you love, you need to let go of your insecurity & let God do the work that only He can do.

as much control as we believe we possess, compared to God's abilities, we really have none. 

Insecurity:
lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt




I stumbled upon this quote earlier this week:


"We are the most insecure generation in history...because we are the most fatherless generation in history"


So much of insecurity derives due to broken relationships with father and child. It is everywhere! And from someone who has lived this first hand, I can not encourage you enough that this is real. Young & adult men everywhere are not stepping up to the large responsibilities that the Lord has given them because they are not being challenged to do so.... 


We as women need to be challenging the men in our lives, brothers, boyfriends, friends, fiances, husbands, fathers to seek after God's provision for them. We need to be encourages of their passions and gifts that He has gifted them with. We need to let go of what we afraid of so that the Lord can give us peace.


The person you love will fail you every day of their lives. It's how they were made. And you fail them as well. You cannot be his world, and he cannot be yours! No matter how hard he may try, he will never be able to fill your heart the way the Lord can. & why would we want to put such unnatural expectations on those we love so dearly? But if you and your man can put ALL of your trust and hope in Lord, you can come together as an even stronger force for the Kingdom, each one of you whole as an individual. 


My sweet friend Melody told me that in bringing your life together with another, for better or worse, the couple has to discern if they are a greater force for the Kingdom of God together, or apart. What powerful words to truly try to live by. 


God does not want us to be in bondage to our own fears or feelings of inadequacy. He wants us to be strong women, who allow the Lord to enter into their relationships to mold and shape you and your loved one in ways that you both alone could never. 

Challenge the one you love to seek after the Lord and his plan for your relationship. Allow the Lord to lead him to be the man God created him to be. The rest will fall into place. 


Trust.
Believe.
& Let go. 

"My child, give me your heart. & let your eyes keep to my ways." Proverbs 23:26

You're Just Not Good Enough... Not...

I find it no coincidence that on the fortnight or so of the release of my new photo series, I was presented, via a dear friend, with the all inspiring book, *"Unsqueezed; Springing free from skinny jeans, nose jobs, highlights and stilettos, " by Margot Starbuck. (( 1. um my life? 2. her last name is Starbuck... one more letter and that's just perfection.))

As most of you know I am not a big lover of reading, but only two paragraphs in I was hooked. I was so blown away by some of her writing, that I just felt the need to share. This is the "sneak peek," if you will, into the photo series I am in the process of wrapping up. I'll let Ms. Starbuck take it from here...

She opens by presenting the controversy that most all females face: societal struggles and pressure regarding body image. She writes:

"Though we long for our lives to be formed & shaped & molded- transformed- into the image of God, we find ourselves more often squeezed by a culture that values & devalues us based on appearance....


...Longing to respond to God with our heart, soul, mind & strength... we're ashamed that we're losing the raging ground war against our inherent occupation with self. 


The pickle in which we've found ourselves is that too often we've given image more weight, more importance, and more value than any of us are able to bear. This obsession with appearances has driven us to a binding preoccupation. We need to be set free. "

She goes on to add an excerpt;

"Let's Agree Right Now That These Things Are Crazy:"

"1. While many women black adolescent girls eschew their full lips & dark skin, white women are paying 1000s of dollars to have collagen injections & are getting cancer trying to darken their skin.

2. Many of us pay money to drink carbonated, chemical beverages with no caloric or nutritional value

3. Women with excessively large breasts, some who suffer horrible back pain, are going under the knife for reduction surgery, while women who want excessively large breasts are choosing to have the constructed cosmetically.

4. I have to expend more energy and concentrated effort to not over eat, than I do to gather the daily resources I need to survive.

She continues through explaining the "Make Over" field, marketable to any aged female,  works the "You're just not good enough" concept to their advantage. She writes that the "heartbreaking message to girls and women (on shows such as these)  is that they are inherently unacceptable as they are"

(And the best yet....)

"If your hair is brown, it needs to be blonde. If it's kinky, we should straighten it. If it's straight, we should perm it. Our hair is too gray, too split. Our features are too flat or too prominent, too think or too thick. If our face isn't oily with acne, then it's creased with wrinkles. During the narrow window of those two tragic conditions (love her), our skin is too dark or too light. Our upper arms are flabby. Our nails need polishing. Our breasts need lifting. Our stomach needs flattening. Our hips need slimming. Our buttock needs firming. Our body hairs need shaving. Our thighs need reducing."

I hope you laughed right along with me, in the hysterics of how maddening all of this is! And yet, how applicable to real truths that our society forces us to believe, every single day. Affecting all females, of all ages, of all backgrounds. This is why we have depression. This is why we have eating disorders. This is what fosters the comparison demon, the root to all destruction. This is it.

(I love how she phrases this)

 "The sinister hiss of the deceiver, playing on the deep nagging fear in the hearts of so many women, implies that essentially something is ultimately flawed and wrong with them. "

She writes that so many of these liars want to "make over what God has already made and called good. It may not fit the world's standard, but it is good." 

& When were we ever commanded to fit in this world's mold for our lives anyway...?

Stumbling upon this was just the final kick of inspiration I needed to take with me into this week as I finish shooting what I believe will be my best work yet. I hope that you will stay tuned and stand with me & Ms. Starbuck in declaring, "Enough, is Enough." That we will fight the ideas of needing to be more than or different than something that the Lord Jesus has already made and declared good and worthy. To what other standard do we need approval?

You are good enough!

((& to conclude, quoting the wise wordsmith, Bruno Mars,))

"You are amazing. Just the way you are."

*All excerpts from Unsqueezed by Margot Starbuck

Lead Us Back...

Falling down upon our knees,
sharing now in common shame...
we have sought security.
Not the cross, that bears Your name...

This entry has been brewing a bit. Complacency has been a common theme that seems to appear and reappear on my radar as of late. The idea of resting in "comforts" or what I have come to believe, selling out to what feels safe. It's something that I have daily battled. Something that has become a frequent apparency. Something that I now will challenge you with, as I have been so challenged by.

If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity. CS Lewis. 


As a proclaimed Christian person, and a fairly new follower of Jesus (yes there is a difference, it has taken me forever to understand that) I believe the greatest question that I contemplate on a daily basis, sometimes all day long is this: What is the purpose of my life? 


Heavy right? You know it.


We (my church) just recently finished an intense 5 week study of the book of Romans all in which discusses and reveals the Lord's intent for mankind: Salvation and Life abundantly through Jesus Christ. But through out the series I was attentive to the times in which I heard "content" "comfortable" and "complacency" ((these are my 3 avoidance words, if you haven't discovered yet through past blogs))

My pastor said something that really got my attention. He said, "By belief in the Lord Jesus, alone, we are saved. Will there be some who abuse this? Yes. Will there be some believers who simply accept the free gift the Lord has given them, and yet do nothing for the glory of His Kingdom with it? Yes. Will there be some who live their lives in their comforts, securities and safe havens (better put, for themselves) and do their best to stay there until they are called home? Yes... Yes. "

Fences guard our hearts and homes.

Comfort sings a siren tune.

We're a valley of dry bones.

Lead us back... to life in You....

 I have wrestled with this on and on for months! Seriously I can not seem to shake that the Lord is trying His best to convey this message to me strongly. I have found myself becoming frustrated with those who are incredibly gifted by our Lord Jesus, but allowing their gifts to lie stagnant because they are too busy focused on the simpleness and surfaceness of day to day. I have battled this out in myself! This is a real and true struggle. The moment we think we have everything going for us, I am certain the enemy has us exactly where he wants us. Blinded. Comfortable. Stagnant. 

..If you are a believer in the Lord Jesus as Savior, 

than His Spirit dwells with in you...

How can we let that lie dormant? How can the greatness of such a remarkable truth not keep us awake at night wondering...?

What is YOUR purpose in life? 

What has God uniquely equipped you and only you to do? 

What are you letting lie that you should be pursuing wholeheartedly? 

What are you afraid you'll lose if you follow after it? 

I feel like if we do not become attentive quickly, we will miss the entire point. 


I am convinced that the Lord Jesus Christ did not step down from His throne in Heaven, become man, dwelt among us, bled and died to save us from sin and certain death, so that you and I could be surface and simple. 


The Lord is rich in kindness and love, therefore He bestows upon us undeserved blessings beyond our wildest dreams. But where would we be without those blessings? Safe havens. Comforts. 


Have we missed that all we really need, all that really matters is Him?....

.....I can't settle for this.

"People do not drift toward growth and discipline. We tend to drift toward complacency. Fight" -LeCrae

He has something marvelous in store for all of us. He has placed with in you something sacred. Something only YOU can accomplish in this life. I urge you to search your heart to find it. Do not miss this in a world that is filled with fleeting ideas of what this life's about. 

This is my heart for us all, that we do not lose sight, lose heart.
I just felt the need to share it with you tonight. 
Love and prayers go with you. 


"You are Sons of light. Daughters of Day. So let's not sleep walk through life like others. Let's keep our eyes open. Gently encourage the stragglers- reach out to the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. Build up hope, so you'll be together in this. No one left out. No one left behind."
1 Thessalonians: 5-14

Lead us back, to Life in You....