oh no, You never let go...

I'm pretty sure this weekend was one I won't be able to forget... this weekend I witnessed raw emotion. I witnessed grieving, loss, question, anxiousness, doubt, heartache, anger, uncertainty, bitterness. I witnessed a sheer glimpse of what it could be like for me to lose someone close to me. I have been blessed enough in this life so far to have not had to encounter death, in regards of someone very dear to me... but like all things... that time will come. But I took a peek into the heart of a person who did lose someone close to them, very close to them, and shared in that two year mark, in remembering their death.

God felt very far away over the past 48 hours. I was witnessing a person whom I love dearly, aching and grieving over the loss of a friend, and felt totally helpless. I also felt totally frustrated in that no ease was coming from God, to this person's pain. Questions circulated through in their heart, ultimately, I think, the great "Why?" "Why God, Why?" I prayed for peace for their heart... and I waited.

Last night, I must say, was an absolute and total regression. Someone dear to me, insulted me in a way that left me totally blank. It was unexpected. It was curt. And it cut my heart. I felt like the devil slapped me across the face, and then spat on my crushed spirit. I heard the words, "You are a joke" resounding in my head. "You'll never NEVER beat this. You will fail again and again. Just when I get to the place of strength and confiedence... I am pushed over the edge once more. Brothers and sisters, Last night, he won... he crushed me totally. he made me angry at God for the inability to overcome this struggle, he made me doubt my progess, he made me deny my gifts. he made me feel worthless. Last night, he won.

In all of this emotion, I found myself grieving, lost, questioning, anxious, doubtful, broken, angry, uncertain, bitter. 48 hours of raw emotion. It had come full circle. After extensive tears, and prayer, and rest, I awoke this morning with somehow, a clear head. Somehow, this morning, one that I thought would be inescapably distressful... was filled with grace....with strength... with courage, righteousness, peace, love, abundance, overflow, calm, trust, belief, faithfulness. It was filled with raw emotion.

I am not sure how God works. In fact, I am not sure I could even tip an iceburg on the vastness of His greatness. But what I have seen, in 48 hours... and in 21 years, is that He never... ever...lets go... of you...and me. Last night... I quit on Him. I was done. I was SO DONE. and I am sure my loved one was done this weekend... and I am sure you have been done or will be done or think you could be done. But He is NEVER done with us. He holds on through every tear, every triumph, every broken moment, every joy, every doubt, every trust, He never lets go through  our constant flux of raw emotion experienced daily in a broken world.

Last night I forsaked God.
He never forsakes me.
Ever.
Be strong.
Be courageous.
I am strong.
I am courageous.
I will wait upon You.
My heart will hold on...

You Never Let Go: Matt Redmond

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:a)
Your perfect love is casting out fear (1 John 4:18)
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life (Mark 4:35-41)
I won’t turn back (John 6:66-69)
I know You are near (Psalm 145:18)

And I will fear no evil (Psalm 23:4b)
For my God is with me (Psalm 23:6)
And if my God is with me (Psalm 46--especially verse 11)
Whom then shall I fear? (Psalm 27:1)
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go (Hebrews 13:5-6; Deuternomy 31:6; Joshua 1:1-9)
Through the calm and through the storm (Isaiah 25:4)
Oh no, You never let go (John 10:27-28)
In every high and every low (Ecclesiastes 7:14)
Oh no, You never let go (Psalm 55:22)
Lord, You never let go of me (Matthew 28:20)

Yes, I can see a light (2 Corinthians 4:6) that is coming for the heart that holds on (Psalm 97:11; Psalm 57:4-7; 2 Thessalonians 3:5; Hebrews 10:35-38)
And there will be an end to these troubles (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
But until that day comes (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You (Psalm 71; Ephesians 5:8)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified. For the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you, or forsake you." Deut. 31: 6