You're not Alone. I Promise.

You ever have a day where you don't feel God? How about a week... a month...a year....? I had to be honest with myself tonight... and therefore be honest with you. I haven't really been able to make out the quiet whisper of our precious Lord amidst the chaos of my life. As I have discovered, the one way I feel like God truly speaks to me is through music. Where as some people can hear God moving through people's testimony's or a Pastor's message, reading scripture or prayer... the one outlet in which I can most always hear God, is through music. Therefore, I constantly am listening to songs filled with truth, particularly when I drive. Half the time I'm afraid I'll have an accident because I will be overwhelmed. However, I must say... over the past few days, I have called upon Him... and have heard nothing. I have waited... and have received silence.

The past few days have been real difficult. I feel literally it was one thing after the next. I asked God to get me through the first situation, and then almost instantly another arises. Last night I quit. I was done. no more praying, no more seeking. No more trying. My boyfriend asked him if he could pray for me when we were on the phone. My response was, "No Dave, I don't want that right now." First off.. what kind of response was that? Second... why after all of this time, would I give up so easily? Why would I throw in the towel after a tough day and just say no thank you.

I must admit. Most of the time I simply can't pray. I feel like I am talking to myself. or that God is somehow so out of reach that he doesn't hear a word I am saying. Therefore, most times, I don't actually pray unless its through song. That may be an excuse to some... but for me its the truth. I find it hard to stay diligent in something where I feel like nothing is being heard.

This afternoon persisted to be even more "complaint worthy." Very frustrated by it all, I vented to a good friend about how ridic the day was. Her response was one quite unexpected...as well as one much needed...

She said, "God gives us the good days so when we have bad days we can remember them, and remember that all days aren't like today. Think real hard and name 6 good things about your day! One thing I've realized in life is that if I focus on the bad, I'm only going to have bad days. But if I think about the good from my days, I realize that they were actually good days...." dumbfounded & grateful all at the same time.... I decided she was very right. & perhaps that was God speaking to me through her... so. Here are 6 good things about my day:

1.) I had lunch with my mom. I was blessed to be able to eat today.
2.) I lead a class discussion on Freud & Psychoanalysis, one in which I feel I did well in. I was blessed to be able to have an opportunity to be educated today.
3.) I'm currently watching the social network. I was blessed to be able to have possessions.
4.) I spent time working on my new photo series in which I am stoked to share with everyone. I was blessed with a skill by God to work through.
5.) I got wet sloppy kisses from my puppy. I was blessed to be able to have a companion who loves me unconditionally.
& 6.) I listened to Red's new cd, Faceless, which has some of the best songs I have heard in a long time. They are full of truth... full of reminders to how we are all on this journey together... and that even when we doubt, when we want to give up, God never leaves our side... even when we think He is a million miles away...

So, I will leave you with their words that helped me tonight. Maybe they'll help you too:

Not Alone

Slowly fading away
You're lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
you're living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now?

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything's gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here

And I'll be your hope when you feel like its over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you're finally in my arms
Look up and see love has a face

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you're not, you're not alone

And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope.