futile efforts

Despondency.

Have you ever been absolutely exhausted without any real reason to be?
You haven't been training for a half marathon or working from sunrise to sundown. You don't have endless extra circulars or outstanding overbearing demands.

In fact, the only real demand you have is a rather stocky, yet strapping, Pitt bull who's middle name is Mischief. (it's really Hamilton, but it might as well should be...)

In the past few months, I have become rather comfortable, comatose and the worst of all... complacent.
- not complacent by boasting in my self- but rather complacent in realizing that I have settled. 


You women who are so complacent, rise up and listen to me; Tremble, you complacent women; shudder, you daughters who feel secure! hear what I have to say: Isaiah 32: 8-11


I think I finally figured it out- why things have been so stagnant. I will try to sum it up very quickly... 

....Because I have allowed things to be so...

When I graduated college, I was certain that I was going to be a wedding and life style photographer. I had worked incredibly hard at finishing my second major during my senior year of college to ensure that I could start right after school. I was very excited and seemed to have the world at my feet. 


-And then I went to Haiti...

I have to say that Haiti altered my life in a way that nothing else could have ever. It changed the way I literally see the world, It changed things I cared about- It changed everything. I came home and struggled immensely with trying to decide if photography was something I could still pursue. I had captured these images of people in such desperation...to come home simply to go back to shooting something that, now, no longer seemed to hold the same value, as what I just photographed in Haiti just didn't seem possible. Everything I had believed in as far as my shooting abilities, the love for what I did and why I did it was challenged.


And I've spent the past 6 months restructuring my framework in trying to understand where career and passion intersected, If they even would at all...


I didn't want to simply do something because I was good at it. I wanted to believe in every single thing that I photographed. I wanted everything I did to mean something to me.  To mean something to someone else. I wanted those who looked at what I shot to care intensely about it. I wanted my work to generate change.

So I simply stopped.... and waited.

I've been waiting now for quite some time. What I realized in this process was that :

discernment does not = ceasing. 

All this time I have been affirmed over and over again that I was supposed to being doing this... but I was looking for a different answer... so it fell on deaf ears.

In believing I was growing, waiting for the "right" opportunity... I actually became stagnant. And did nothing to allow the opportunity to be presented.

And I let my heart & motivation become blinded by many distractions strategically, I feel, placed before me by the enemy.

I found myself ridden with envy. The sense of others moving forward, and me feeling stationary. All the while... I was the very culprit of my own immobility. I was the victim of my own foolishness.

I had shut out the spirit.
I had silenced affirmation.
I had passed up chances.
And I had stayed simple...

I WAS MADE FOR GREATNESS. BECAUSE THE LORD OF HEAVEN, HAS SAID SO.

Through God, I am completely able.

Isaiah 49:1-3:
"The moment I entered the world, He named me.
He gave me speech that would cut and penetrate.
He kept His hand on me to protect me.
He made me His straight arrow
& Hid me in His quiver.
He said to me,  "You're my dear servant, through whom I will shine."

Tonight I got a swift kick to my face. When I believe, that the Lord Himself spoke directly to me through a trusted advocate. - Although many people have tried before, (I know, I am sorry for not listening)- He finally got through to me, tonight. I was challenged tremendously by a respectable woman of God, that I had become boring. That I was burning out before I even had begun. That I had too much to let lie. And that I needed to be photographing. No matter what.

He spoke loud and clear. & I absolutely positively, finally, heard Him.

I know that right now, I am certainly not where I want to be. Where I long to be... but I know that He has equipped me. That I am completely able as any to do what He has created me to do. That I don't need to make any more excuses. That I simply must do. And do, I will.

"When the time is ripe, I answer you.
when the victory's due, I help you.
I form you & use you
to reconnect the people with me.
To put the land in order
to resettle families on the ruined properties.
Then everyone will know that I, God,
have saved you.- I, the Mighty One of Jacob."
Isaiah 49: 8-12, 26. 

I am about to embark on a one month journey, in which I will be piecing together a photo series that I feel may be my strongest work to date. The series is completely inspired by the collaborative concept of my best friend & myself. I feel that the body of work will be thought provoking, challenging and above all else, empowering. What an amazing boost of encouragement to begin the next 29 days of great anticipation. I'm back baby!

I am thankful for the person's obedience to speak truth into my life. I know many other's have tried... but again, God's timing is perfect..... loud. & clear.

"Set a fire down in my soul... that I can't contain... and I can't control... "

Nameless

You walk around with a cold heart. A heart that has iced over by years and years of self indulgence.
You seem to be so sure of yourself-
Yes. Your confident and cool. Collected and content. You walk out the door completely dignified. And everyone who sees your masquerade believes the facade. You sell out to those who could really care less about your life. You play your part. You tow the line.... And then. The game's been played. The mask comes off. And all that's left is a broken shell of a crippled spirit. Exhausted and pained by years of poor choices. Again and again, you are presented chances to turn it around.

Grace.
Forgiveness.
Healing.
Preservation.
Change.
A new start...

A new life....

But again and again, you deny it. You say no thank you. I don't need you or anyone to tell me how to live my life. My way is the highway.

And again and again, you are so disillusioned to what life truly is about. Your priorities are flawed. You are selfish. Contrite. And Bitter. You live to please yourself. And all that's left is your loneliness.

And in those moments where you simply can't add one more possible distraction to keep your heart from seeing the truth... your guilt creeps up to the back of your throat. To a point where the only way to force it back down, is to drown it in a never ending bath of intoxication.

Numb.
Dulled.
Impaired.
Calloused.
Reckless.
Empty.
Stagnant.

Is this really the life you envisioned for yourself?

I don't need you. I've never needed you. My successes will never derive from what you have provided. And where I end up is not on your accord. You chose things to be this way.

Your way is a joke. Your pride is crippling. And I can see right through it all.

Your only hope is to get on your knees. Your only hope is to be made new.

(My only prayer is that you see it before it too late...)

I can not escape the feeling in the back of my mind that you will be old, and alone. Having no idea how you got so lost, and realizing that the damage you have done can never be altered or changed. That the time you lost will not come back.

My even greater fear, is that you will die blind. Having never understood. And that my only memory of you will be that of a lost child, endlessly trying to find it's way home....

But for now. You shall remain nameless...

tran(t)s-'fȯrm

My very wise friend Melody once told me that the greatest evidence of Jesus Christ as Savior was a changed life.

I couldn't agree more with that statement.

I recently had the opportunity to dialogue with a dear friend about their spiritual journey and sorta listened to them unpack their story. We are still getting to know each other, but we knew all too well that we had A LOT in common and had battled some of the very same demons throughout much of our young lives.

I listened intently to the unveiling of rather broken days; days of despair and hopelessness, days struggling to even know who the person was staring back at them in mirror, days of wondering where God had gone and why He had abandoned them. Where comparison and thoughts of not being enough rotted their flesh and physically ate away at strong bones....

Words such as "spent," "strung-out," "empty," "forgotten," "misunderstood," and "monster" were used to describe an old state of being.

and as I listened, I was confronted the resounding echo of my very spoken words, used to describe the way I used to feel about myself.

I have to admit, some parts were challenging to listen to... only because I knew all too well the heartaches that this person felt... and in so many ways, I was pained due to the inability to never understand or sympathize with what this beautiful person had seen and been through...

Transform: \tran(t)s-ˈfȯrm\

 a : to change in composition or structure

b : to change the outward form or appearance ofc : to change in character or condition 

But the gleaming truth in all of this, was the person sitting across from me was not the person in the story. The person in front of me was the visual representation of God's restoration. The person speaking to me was a culmination of molding and bending and reshaping and restructuring all by the miraculous Hands of God. The result? A completely transformed individual. Someone that you could say, would be unrecognizable compared to their old self.

1 Samuel 10:6
The Spirit of the LORD will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.


2 Corinthians 3:18
And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.


& then...
Zephaniah 3:17 
The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One,
will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.


We both discussed feelings of lost time. If when we looked back on such a dark place in our lives, did we feel as though we had wasted so much time that we could never have back? 


We did. 


But we both chuckled when we agreed there was no other means by which our transformation occurred. That every single broken moment was used by Jesus to shape us into the people that we are today.

wow. according to us, a life without Jesus, is pretty ugly. 

and because of such a radical transformation, it is all the more evidence that Jesus has shown up. Has healed. Restored. and now is walking alongside, of us everyday. So that we will never have to know a life without Him again.

"We will overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and word of our testimony."

Our lives are meant to demonstrate the power of a living God. we are meant to communicate to the rest of the world ( yes the world ) what miraculous transformation that has occurred in our lives because of HIM. So that those who are in darkness might have a life of light. 

I have no idea what your story is. You may not even know your story yet. But here is a real truth. The Lord of the world is actively seeking your life right now. He is hoping that you will take notice of His subtle, yet persistent touch. And that you will chose to allow Him to mend and restore and reshape your life for a purpose larger than you could ever fathom. 

& once you are found in that... that you would be brave enough to share your testimony, in whatever way you can. The thing that will never cease to amaze me, is that our Great Lord, wants to use us, to work through us. 

Your story can be a part of the greatest story of this age. And every age. And any age that will come. 

"The greatest evidence of Jesus Christ as Savior, is a changed life."

-& so it is. 

For the honor of the Savior, let the Cross be lifted high. The great exchange of love & grace, came down, to give us life.

a little morning Joy

I decided today to crack open the devotional that my mom got for Christmas. It is such a hard discipline for me to force myself down and be still. I am such a mover, and often feel restless, so sitting down to read at times causes me great pains (literally, pain). But today was a different morning.

I was so blown away with what the devotional said, that I just was compelled to share.

"You can achieve the victorious life through living in deep dependence on Me. People usually associate victory with success:not falling or stumbling, not making mistakes. But those who are successful in their own strength tend to go their own way, forgetting about Me. It is through problems and failure , weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on Me....

.....True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do. It is coming to Me with an open mind and heart , inviting Me to plant My desires in you. (here's, like, my life:) I may infuse you with a dream that seems far beyond your reach. You know that in yourself you cannot achieve such a goal. Thus begins the journey of profound reliance on Me.... 

...It is a faith walk. One step at a time. Leaning on Me as much as you need. This is not a path of continual success but of multiple failures. However, each failure is followed by a growth spurt, nourished by increased reliance on Me. Enjoy the blessedness of a victorious life, through deepening your dependence on Me."
(inspired by Psalm 34:7, 2nd Corth 5:7.)


I met with a dear friend of mine just the other day where I was discussing with her the anguish I was feeling in trying to have it all figured out right now regarding a career & life plans and so forth. The truth found in this mornings reading was the very same truth that she spoke to me, just the other day. That every single situation and place and time are all part of a master tapestry being sown together, that is my beautiful life. I can't see my entire life laid out the way God can. And through making a wrong choice, or potentially a different choice is not necessarily a bad thing. It will all allow for growth and ultimately wisdom in order to be equipped for what God has in store next. She also told me that the huge dreams that have been placed in my heart are not just silly ideals or human wants. That God has blessed me with those visions in order to serve a greater purpose. I just need to be open and willing to whatever that purpose may look like. 


"The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less." 2nd Corinthians 5:5


I hope this leaves you as encouraged as I am this morning by the Great God that we love & who, more amazingly enough, loves us.