Sunday, July 31, 2011

Tonight

Tonight's a blank slate of 5721.5 thoughts.

racing. aching.anxious. angry. joyous. thrilling. nervous. uncertain.

I'll I have, is this:

"Look at the nations, and watch- 
& be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days, 
that you would not believe,
even if you were told...." 
Habakkuk 1:5

5 days...

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Brooke Ashleigh, it's your Birthday! :)

to continue right along on the summer birthday train, today is yet another special birthday!

Today is my good friend Brooke's 19th Birthday. The last year of the "teens" is often times a strange one. You're now only a year away from the 2.0s... and things just tend to take a sharper turn for the serious after the teen years are behind you. - pretty soon she'll be on her way to the beach, relaxing and celebrating with her family. I'd say a perfect way to celebrate a special day!
The road to Brooke and my friendship, was definitely, well a much-less-traveled-one (witty am I). As most people know, Brooke actually was the-girlfriend-before-me, if you will. There was much curiosity, I believe, on both our accounts of the other, but naturally, distance and a potential lack in social involvement where expected, not only by peers, but I believe by a majority of people who I never suspected to even care.
I'll never forget the day I walked up to her and said hi. She was home for a thanksgiving vacation and was leading worship at our church. For those who don't know her, the girl can sing people... like belt it. She sang Hallelujah by Heather Williams. The song was filled with words of truth, in reminding us how far we fall, and even on the hardest days, He provides us with grace to stand upon. The song reflected my feelings toward Brooke, and I believe hers of me. Judgements were passed and thoughts assumed based on a circumstance without either of us taking one moment to know the other's heart. That song means so much to us both. I told her how great of a job she did & how it was nice to finally meet her.
The next day, I received a message from her telling me how much she appreciated me approaching her and that she had been wanting to reach out and say hi as well. From then on, God took us both on a crazy journey. While Brooke was far away at school, He taught us both things that I strongly feel could not have been otherwise learned, had we not been brought in each others lives. He taught us lessons to rise above circumstances and potentially awkward scenarios to seek out and learn the heart of the other. & eventually, allowed the calling of Christ to love the another as yourself, to be the center of our friendship. He also realized that I would need another Starbucks addict to walk through life with, so I didn't feel so alone in my obsession.
Yes there have been days of conflict. Things that were harder to work through or accept because of nature of the situation. However, I think its been harder to watch others be critical of our friendship, without taking the time to understand it. I'm pretty sure though we both really could care less at this point. We know that God had a plan for our lives to intersect... and a purpose for growth in more ways than I think either of us could have imagined.
Not only does this girl have a powerhouse voice that erupts leaving the listener often times speechless, but Brooke has an energy that when she is completely and totally herself, is beautiful. My life has been blessed by getting to know her.
Brooklyn, Today's your special day, a day truly worth celebrating. God had a purpose laid out long before you were even a conceptual thought. A purpose and plan that you, and only you, can fulfill. Since first coming to know you, I have seen soo much growth in your spirit and heart. God clearly has placed you where He wants you. This year, I hope that you ask God why. God brought you back here not just for comfort, but to continue to shape, mold and stretch you. Run after His plan, try your best, and don't be afraid to fail. The only way we will ever grow is through trial & error & grace to begin again. 
You are loved. Rejoice in this day knowing You, have captured the heart of the King & that He will love you like nothing else could ever. You are His greatest gift<3

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

It's time.

Process.

"It's a process." 
"I'm trying to process." 
"We're currently processing."
"I just have to process." 

Process. 

All I have been doing the past 2 weeks has been... processing, searching, thinking, working through- my thoughts, my relationships, my faith, my heart... & I have discovered these things:

1. my faith up until this point, has been invested and nurtured through people... not by Jesus
2. my securities, where I draw strength from... has been in people... not by Jesus
3. I feel very stuck in my life, given my location, living, & financial situation
4. there are many things I will not let go of.
5. I am going to Haiti in 18 days.

I have learned very harshly. that it is time to let go.
It is time to hand over my heart, fully to Jesus. not just a little... not just a portion. The. entire. organ. It is time for me to own my faith apart from my family, apart from my friends, apart from my boyfriend, apart from my interests, apart from my church, apart from my blessings.... apart from this nation.

Who is Lindsey without her family?
Who is Lindsey without her home?
Who is Lindsey without her best friends?
Who is Lindsey without her boyfriend?
Who is Lindsey without her church?
Who is Lindsey without her comforts?
Who is Lindsey, without her country?
Who is Lindsey, with Lindsey? Who are you, with yourself?

I can not answer this today, because I simply do not know. But I believe now, more than ever, the answer to this question is waiting for me in Haiti. I believe the answer is waiting for upon my return. & the decisions I make following that return.

I have lived for 21 years. pretty much 17 of them I was underneath the rules and restrictions of parents & obligations to education. for 4 of them I was given more freedom to choose how to serve my time, and I served it an education institution & lived mostly for myself. I stand here on the brink of 22. In 22 more years, I will be 44. (math genius right here).

What will I do, with the time that is laid before me? In the time that I have lived, from now... I will be in the middle of my life. & so may you.

"All we have decide is what to do, with the time that is given to us"
I truly feel in the depths of my heart, that I was created for a greater purpose. I feel my life is equip to make change & to generate impact. I can not deny what is the very core of my being.

For 22 years I have invested more of myself into others than into the only one worthy of such investments. I have spent too long living a life as a servant of the world... and not to a Kingdom. All of this, reader, is fleeting. All that we know this life to be, is a temporary scratch on eternity. I know this is so difficult to understand. & to the Christian reader, we know very well that this is not our home. We are simply passing through. Did God call you to live for yourself in this small temporary passing? Did He call you to place other humans before Him? Skills and gifts & the comforts of life before Him? Earth possessions before Him? In a culture that exemplifies the ability to find strength and worth in our selves, above all things, clearly, it presents a greater challenge for us to combat this line of thinking.

But the truth is, we must. It is not about me. & its really not about you either. Its not about my boyfriend, or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Or my best friend or yours. or my parents, or your parents... its not about any single one of us. It is about a Man. & a Cross.& the choice we have before us.
What are we willing to sacrifice?
What are we willing to put to the side?
Who is the god of our life?
Where are we investing our hearts? Our finances? Our futures?


Drink this in.

Are we investing in comforts of this life... people, places, things, ideas
or are we investing in the call that Jesus Christ Himself, the Lord of Heaven & THIS earth... has called us all... to do?

It is time. It is time for me. and perhaps for you. to let go.
to let go of all that is seen and known,
& to answer the call that has been uniquely implanted in each of us.

I encourage you to process. I encourage you to self reflect. It is all that I have done for 2 weeks. & although there have been some painful truths of realization. I feel more confident now, than ever, that I possess the strength in myself to step off the shore & into the unknown waters of the sea.

Isaiah 6:8 says:
"Whom shall I send? & who will go for us?"- Then said, I, "Here I am Lord, send me."
Mwen vle ale. Mwen vle ale.... ♥

Friday, July 15, 2011

& So you shall, my dear AllieBoo

It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart.
These things are completely and utterly true of Ms. Allison George.

I have had the pleasure of knowing Allie now for about 7 years now. I first met her back in the day of Mount De Sales (yes I did attend a small catholic all girls high school for two years....) & our friendship began through a small introduction through a mutual friend and evolved through an art class that we both had together. Ah artsie folk... <3
who are we here?

Allie has been the friendship that has wandered in and out of my life, mainly due to crazy circumstances and things keeping us busy constantly. But somehow through the busiest seasons of our lives, we never ever lose a single beat. 

For a long long time, I can honestly admit, that I held Allie to such a higher standard than a lot of people I knew. I saw her as someone that just, was so filled with Christ & truth, that there was no way on this earth she'd be able to understand my struggles and my major short comings. I kept my life as glossy as I could for her, in hopes that she would always remain that positive influence on my life, even when I was most, as I felt, undeserving. 
I learned not to long ago, that yes my dear friend was filled with Christ & truth, to the fullest... thereby making her none of things that I had created her to be. Finally walls were broken down in our friendship. She could see my destitution for what it really had been & the kicker was, I could see hers. I was able to see her humanness, her struggles, her weaknesses... & all it did was reinforce my belief, that Allie George is one of THE most beautiful women on this earth...
Allie wakes up daily with a heart after the Lord. She has followed His will for her life to the greatest of her ability. She proclaims love, she does not judge, she is gentle, she radiates joy & resides in peace. Being around Allie, I always catch glimpses of Heaven. She truly reflects the ultimate joy and love that only Christ can give us in this life, when we draw near to Him. She is infectious. & truly is kind to everyone she meets. She is rarity in this world. & I am so blessed to have walked so closely with this young woman. 
Today. Today is her birthday. My birthday wish for you is that you spend this year living full out for you!! This is YOUR YEAR! The year of discovery. It can be what-ev-er you wish it to be! You have worked so hard to allow yourself this time and space. Go explore, travel, take a million pictures, see life, breathe in a new surrounding, sit in a park, have a picnic, paint, cry, laugh, eat! Make this year, a year to remember... make this year... the beginning of the rest of your life. You've have left a lasting impression on my heart, more than you'll ever know.
Allie once to told me that if nothing else, she wanted to live a legacy...
& So you shall, my dear AllieBoo..... & so you shall... <3 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

your savior. {yes, lowercase s}

Here is what God said to me today:

I'm everything you've wanted
I am the one who's haunting you
I am the eyes inside of you
Staring back at you


There's nothing left to lose
There's nothing left to prove

Surrender your love
It's all you can do

It's time to redefine
Your deophobic mind

Don't hesitate, no escape
From secrets on the inside


What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior?

Everything's gonna crash and break
But I know, yeah, I know
Everything's gonna crash and break

Your savior
 
I am the eyes inside
Staring back at you
you need Me

I'm watching you
Cause you need Me
I'm watching you 


courtesy of Skillet.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sigh No More, Lindsey.

Have you ever woken up and been like.... what. ev. er. ? That was today. And Yesterday.

I seriously felt like someone was beating me over the head yesterday with information. Too much stimuli was presented before me & I reached a point where I just could not process any more. I didn't want to process anymore. I actually broke down in a small cafe in DC yesterday and cried. When Dave asked me what was wrong... all I could say was, "I don't know." I genuinely had no idea why I was crying, why I felt so hurried or rushed... I had gone to church and asked God to prepare my heart for the next week of fasting for the trip. I cried. Alot. But I assumed it was good? And then I left and I seriously felt like I hit a iced cold brick wall that turned out to be nothing more but my heart. I didn't want to care. I have no idea why I was hard heartened to Haiti. I was tired of thinking. and preparing and praying and trying to trust but getting no where. I didn't mean to just get up and leave in the middle of my Haiti meeting. But I literally could not sit there one more minute.

....What is going on...?......
I assumed that in preparing for a trip that I would naturally come to be more opened minded and excited?... However. Today is the absolute opposite. I am scared. I am getting stressed. I feel avoidance. Defiance.

The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step.... Have I not taken major strides? Am I just throwing a temper tantrum with Jesus? In all honesty, I feel fake today. And in feeling so, I will not pretend to be something or claim something that I am not right now. Today, I am defiant stubborn cold hearted deaf-eared luke-warm Lindsey. And that is that.
Oh, Man is a Giddy thing... so Mumford says...


Sigh no more, no more 
One foot in sea, one on shore 
My heart was never pure 
You know me. 



One foot in the sea. One foot on the shore. 
And that is that.. And that is that. 
I can't seem to let go. to Trust, wholeheartedly. 
 & here's the best part... (sarcasm)...
I have no idea what or how to do so. 

I can not say what this week will unfold to be. I can not really think beyond the next hour right now. If you are reading this, I ask that you pray for me to receive some clarity. And discipline. To be able to let go of my controlling nature. & that God will reveal to me exactly what I need to do trust Him, fully, in being able to make this trip. To find love for Haiti. & not to resent it.


Haiti is so much bigger than a trip. I know this for certain. Haiti is the full culmination of being able to Trust Jesus. & to let go of security. Right now I am fighting it. I am fighting God. Pray that I stop lol. Pray that I grow up. Pray that I can own my faith. That I can walk without sight. That I can see the simpleness in humans. & that nothing can fill me more than Jesus.

Pray that I would believe in this, with every ounce, of myself:
Love that will not betray you, 
dismay or enslave you, 
It will set you free 
Be more like the man 
you were made to be... <3

Monday, July 4, 2011

I, Found Art.

I can't believe it has been so long since I blogged. I promised myself I would stay on top of this when I decided to start doing it back in November. It seems now I am even busier then when I was in school... (or maybe I was trying so hard to procrastinate that I somehow managed to have more free time?... ya that sounds right)

For those that know me well I am not one to sit down and chill. On top of my already itchy-pants personality, my life since graduating has seemed to be like a roller coaster and I can't get off. Don't get me wrong, being with friends, active in church, relaxing, working on photography have been so enjoyable. But I have to admit I have been dealing with some major changes/scenarios that wait in my not-so-distant future that have left me clinging a tad too tightly to insecurity.

The goal was to work through some of this while I was on vacation. Just a few days before I left, the weighty culmination of anxieties took their toll on a rather emotional night.
And so they are the following:
1. My boyfriend is going on a tour with his new band.
2. My best friend is moving to Tampa FL... for a year...
3. I am going to Haiti... all in 4 weeks....

I think what is most interesting about the scenario is that my best friend is moving a week before I leave. & my boyfriend will be playing at the Boston Hard Rock Cafe the first night I am in Haiti.
yeah.

The two closest people in my life to me will be miles and miles away from me, both heading on to their own adventures. I am thrilled for them. They are both incredibly talented people & God has huge plans for their lives... I can't wait to see what unfolds... but is it so wrong of me that I want them there when I leave... when I come back?.... Can I just be a little selfish please?

I think why I cried so hard was not so much that Dave & Tina wouldn't be there when I got back... but that they both would be gone before I left. That the night before I left to venture off into the unknown,what if all of my fears eat me alive and I won't have my dearest and most trusted advocates there to provide comfort & reassurance? I became very angry. And therefore emotional.... I found the timing of it all, just a tad bit particular...maybe too particular.

On my 6 hour ride to OBX, I had about 10 million thoughts circulating through my head. I just wanted the undeniable pressure to reside. I wanted some answers!

Over the course of the week, I decided to read a book my dear friend Bekah had given me. Now, here's my deal with reading. I don't. The book has to be pretty stinkin good to catch my attention long enough for me to sit down and actually take precious time to sit and to mull over someone else's make believe or not so make believe world. The book was called "Found Art" by Leanna Tanerksley. If nothing else I was intently intrigued by the cover (it looked like someone had painted the rainbow in oil paints across it). Little did I know that I was holding the key to much of what I needed to read. Pretty sure God knew it would grab me, just a few pages in.

I read the entire book in three beach visits.

Although I can't really sum up its greatness, and extreme relevance to my current emotions, I will be sure to pull certain writings to include in my upcoming blog posts. Something that struck a really awkward tune in my heart was this: "I've made a habit out of filling up most every quiet moment with at least a little bit of noise- enough to keep me distracted from the discomfort of not really knowing myself."
-um. wow. thanks for nailing that right on the head, Leanna. 

I realized on the trip that I am afraid to let go of what I know, what is familiar, what I know to be comfort, because I have not truly given my fears and worries over to the Lord. plain and simple. I am too afraid to hand it over, let go, knowing that He is all good and knows my every desire and fear of my every heart string. I am afraid to be alone, because I am afraid of just what He may reveal to me in that silence. What He is calling me to do. Leanna said it perfectly. Most people tend to phrase my emotions better than I can.

Today I began my fast for Haiti. I've never really done a fast before, & will go into more detail about it in future entries. But as the trip draws closer... and as the days move faster, I will be putting down in words all of those swirling thoughts, as best I can. Giving what I can, daily, over to the Hands of the Creator.
Daily. Daily. Daily.

I will close with Leanna's words.... since there is no better way I could say it:
"If we let Him, He will be the invisible glue that seeps in & re-adheres what has been ripped open. He will be the light shinning into the contents of our most hidden boxes. He will soften our hearts, when we can't do it on our own. He will help us turn toward each other when all we want to do is walk away. He will help us let go of our grievances, when we desperately want to protect & nurture them. He will give us moments. & places. that will bind us together, forever...All we have to do, is remain the slightest bit open, to becoming well."
Leanna Tankersley. Found Art.