'cause now the past can be outrun...& I know You are the reason...

Have you ever found yourself standing in a place in time, wondering how the heck did you get there? Maybe just yesterday, you felt like you were doing something, familiar to your youth... and now, you're an adult... now, there are consequences to your actions... now, there is greater pain in failure, and more unanswered questions?
I find myself there tonight.

This evening, I spent it at a local funeral home, where I mourned the loss of a good friends father, who passed away this weekend. I was blessed with a very interesting middle school experience, one that I feel many people can not relate to. I attended a small private Christian school, with a graduating class comprised of 20 kids, 14 boys & 6 girls. Talk about a small world? Well, oddly enough, those 19 individuals and I share some kind of bond, even to this day.. that no matter where in life we may be, we tend to find ourselves supporting each other in times of great need, such as tonight. When I was standing around those people, I felt older... a lot older. I saw time elapsing before my eyes. Not that long ago, we all were outside on a playground running aimlessly, carefree and wide eyed... and not so many years later... we had seemed to grow aged... some of us with life altering stories... with losses... with children... How did we get to that place... And what had occupied our individual lives through out those years apart?...

I had many thoughts. & when I tend to have many thoughts.. I tend to find myself here, trying to process it all. Today I spoke with a friend, who shared with me some of their suffering they had endured for a period of their adolescence. I was in awe; despite the fact that a fair amount of time had passed, this person still was feeling immensely burdened by past experiences that had occurred in their lives. How well do we all know this haunting feeling? Feelings of wanting to go back and change something... to erase memories we can't forget. To have done something differently...

I left the conversation still wondering how to answer this person.. or what sort of encouraging word could I lend?... oddly enough my thoughts shifted to my own past... It is quite funny I am writing this entry on the eve of March first... because March of 2010 was probably the one month in my life I wish I could forget. March 2010, marked 31 days of great heart ache. March 2010 was a slow transcendence into the darkest hours of my life. It is a month in a year in which I feel, that will always linger, in someway or another... and despite the passing of time, I can recall these unwanted memories in a moments notice...

Isaiah 43: 18 (The message translation, just because I adore the direct wording)
"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert. be present. I'm about to do something brand new. It's bursting out! don't you see it?"

2nd Cor 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old is gone, the new has come!"

Ephesians 4: 22-24 "You, were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to putt off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness"

I'm not sure about you, but I am sensing God's stress on reminding us, that the past is actually gone... that when we reconcile with Christ, that old life, actually no longer is present with us. Sure, the events happened. That can't change.. but God calls us not to dwell on them anymore, because they reflect a life apart from Him... a life that did not know Him... a life that was lukewarm... a life that was broken... a life who was blind to a greater a plan... a life who thought they knew all the answers... a life covered by scales, and sin and shame... A life.. that has died. A life... that has ended. You, friend, must embrace NOW. Present... Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, for what lies ahead is worth our every thought, our every motive, our every desire... for it is beyond what we could ever have imagined for ourselves...

I included the story tonight of my friend's dad's viewing, because it marked for me a great passing of time. It didn't seem that long ago... 8 years... I wonder what I'll say when I'm 28.... 8 years from now... will that time move just as swiftly? I encourage you, if you are holding to something that is behind your life... to realize that so much of you're mental strength, needs to reside in the present... in the new life you have been given. Tonight my prayer for you, and for myself... is that we can truly relinquish the demons of past... and set our eyes fully... on what lies ahead... after all... with Christ, all things are possible.

The Best is Yet to Come. Red.

Afraid it won't come round again
Afraid to move on
Wishing I could go back when
Everything was easier and meaningful to me
Wanting all we left behind
Like its the answer
An hour glass we can't rewind
Holding back the life that I've denied for so long..

Can I find my way to You?
And After all that we've been through
And after all we left in pieces
I still believe our lives have just begun
Cause now the past can be outrun
And I know You are the reason
I still believe the best is yet to come

A Photograph's still in my hands
Afraid to let it go
The minutes rain like grains of sand
And time is just a war that's stealing dreams from within
So come and take them back again

I won't turn around
Let it all slip away
I'm never backing down
Cause tomorrow's a new day
And everything can change

And After all that we've been through
And after all we left in pieces
I still believe our lives have just begun
Cause now the past can be outrun
And I know You are the reason
I still believe the best is yet to come....

Chasing Cars... Chasing Dreams...

Tonight I have so many thoughts... but can't seem to gather them. For some reason this song came to mind:

Chasing Cars. Snow Patrol.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need Your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get to old
Show me a garden that‘s bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in Your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well,
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Punish the deed... not the breed...

"Pit bulls are famous in circles of knowledgeable dog people; for the love and loyalty they bestow on anyone who shows them a smidgen of kindness." -- Linda Wilsn-Fuoco

As some of you know, and for those who don't, I adopted a Pitbull this past June, Bentley.When trying to decide what kind of dog I wanted, I knew I wanted to adopt from a rescue center and not go with a private breeder. I feel there are so many stray dogs that need homes, and wanted to be able to provide a good one. As I began searching, I kept seeing tons of Pitbulls who needed adopting... I sorta skipped over them a bit, due to the many rumors I had heard about their aggressive tendencies. Yet...the more and more I searched... the more and more I was drawn to this particular breed. Why were so many of these dogs homeless? I started talking to people who owned pit bulls to see if all that I had heard about them was true....

After talking to lots of different owners, of all ages, I heard a resounding, "It's all a joke." I came to find that Pitbull Terriers are actually some of THE most loving and timid dogs, despite the reputation that proceeds them.

   

The following images are hard to look at... but I feel it is necessary to bring awareness to the issue:

The truth of the matter is this: Pttbulls are innately 2 things: 1. Incredibly gentle dogs and 2. Incredibly strong dogs. These two elements in the wrong hands... could be disastrous...

This one is hard for me to look at. He looks just like Bentley.

Pitbull abusers often seek out this breed for "fighting purposes," because they are so easy to torture... It is not that they are aggressive towards humans...but when placed in a fight against another Pitbull who is just as strong as them, has been beaten, coerced, and essentially manipulated for aggression... the two dogs will fight the other til the death, as a means for survival... Which I suppose for some cruel and evil spirited individuals.. is... fun? Entertaining?...

What I find most interesting of it all, is that the actual correct name for the breed is "Bull Terrier." The word "Pit" was only added after they became renowned victims of treacherous fighting "Pits."

I recently took interest in a news report that here in Baltimore MD, 2 young men were charged with lighting a Pitbull on fire... She was so burned, that after many attempts to save her, had to be put to sleep. Not to mention many other infamous cases, and the most famous of all, the abuse by Michael Vick. Bottom line. Pitbulls are preyed on and abused DAILY right here in our own community. I have never seen more abuse targeted towards a particular breed. I think it's time for justice... I think it is time to shed light on the fact, that the true violence resides in the animal standing on two legs... holding the other end of the leash...

I have decided that I will be starting a fundraiser to help abused Pitbulls in the Baltimore, MD area. All donations and funds will be given to Pitbull Rescue and Adoption Centers in Baltimore, MD.

I have also decided that as a "Kick off" to this benefit, I am asking that any one who owns a Pitbull Terrier or Pitbull Terrier Mix, that I may please come and photograph you, your pit and document your pit story.

Hopefully, together, we can rectify the destruction that happens every day in the lives of these sweet, loving and very misunderstood breed of dogs.

"A righteous man regards the life of his animal."

 Proverbs 12:10

what a shame.

Have you ever been so angry that you didn't know how to control it? This isn't the type of anger that is from a bad fight, or from some stupid offense of a lover, or agitation gone haywire. This is a deep seated anger that encases your heart... and is the source of ultimate hurt and disappointment in your life. The one that is the hardest to surrender. And the hardest I believe to forgive.

It is the anger of time wasted. Of relationships destroyed. Of misunderstandings. Of short comings. Of self questioning. Of why wasn't I more important. Of pity. Of having to figure it out on my own. Of not coming to my defense when I needed it. Of knowing it will never be what I had hoped for. Of being unable to envision certain future ideals that should be natural. Of fear for what failures may lie ahead in my life. Of a poor example....

How do I let go of that. How. How. How. How. I don't quite know if I can...

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" Colossians 3:13.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? - Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15

BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T. what if i just cant. what if I don't know how. Lord, I just do not know if I can surrender these wounds to You... I'll never understand Your infinite mercy and love...it is beyond my simple and feebleness. How do You forgive those who's hearts are black with sin?Murders? Child molesters?Rapists? Terrorists? How deep is Your love?....How far is Your grace? It is beyond me. I will never be able to wrap my small arms around You... but I will not lose heart... for if You can die for those who don't know You... for those who spat on You... for those who deny You...for those who are lost... for those who hate You... for me... than I can try... I will try... even when I do not know how... I will try....

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails


So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Take Heart: Hillsong United

oh how He loves you on a thursday night...

His presecence, His Love is so thick & tangible in this room tonight
& there are some of you here who have not encountered the Love of God,
& tonight, God wants to encoutner you & wants you to feel His love,
feel His amazing love,
with out the Love of God, these are just songs,
these are just words
these are just instruments
without it we're just up here making noise
but the love of God changes us, &  were are never the same,
were never the same,
were never the same after we concunter the love of God 
& right now if you have not encountered the love of God,
you would know
because you would never be the same again.
you better brace yourself, because He is about to blow into this place.
& were going to encounter the love of God right now,
so I speak to all the hearts God, that every heart be opened right now,
every spirit be open, to You God,
that there would be a love encounter with You tonight,
A Love encounter with You tonight!

                                                  you can have a love encounter...tonight...<3

a poem from a friend.

When passion's trance is overpast,

If tenderness and truth could last
Or live- whilst all wild feelings keep
Some mortal slumber, dark and deep-
I should not weep, I should not weep...

It were enough to feel, to see
Thy soft eyes gazing tenderly...
And dream the rest- and burn and be
The secret food of fires unseen,
Could thou but be what thou hast been?

After the slumber of the year
The woodland violets reappear;
All things revive in field or grove
And sky and sea, but two, which move
And form all others- life and love...

-L.W.B.

If God made you... then He's in love with me...

Valentines Day. Perhaps one of the most interesting of holidays. I find it fascinating when people even discuss Valentines Day. Of course its real cute, and always fun to be thought of; receive unnecessary chocolates (the last thing I need) flowers that will last about a week, sentimental cards that you'll lose, all based around a day, that I feel was invented solely by the greeting card companies. Am I the worst? Possibly. However.... I think my greatest frustration is that I feel that these acts of kindness should not occur simply because a day is reminding us to do so. I think it's far more exciting to receive cards, or flowers, or gifts without a nudge. Simply because that person was thinking of you on an ordinary day... Their gifts were an act of spontaneity. The fact that its random act of kindness is what I find to be the most impacting...and lasting...

Despite my attitudes towards this day, I will embrace the overarching message... and that is a day to remember love. Love is a many splendid thing, they say. I must admit, I am still learning the true nature of its meaning. Love I feel goes beyond a feeling.. or an infatuation... or a desire to remain in the presence of another... love is so much more than that... It took me a long time to learn this...

I must admit... growing up I dated a lot of guys... in fact... there hasn't really been a time in my life I can remember being single for long. I think the longest was 7 months between relationships?  Now, that should indicate to you very quickly that there was something missing in my heart (coughs, a relationship with Jesus, cough) and I am certain I spent much time searching for something, a feeling or emotion that would satisfy that gaping hole in my chest.

After many failed attempts at relationships and feeling rather bitter towards love, marriage, the whole shabang... I met a person who most days, I am convinced, God made for me. The timing was almost too interesting as well, because literally, right after I reconnected with Christ, and proclaimed Him as the True and Only lover for my soul... I met the person that I think could be that very earthly thing, that I had been searching for. Once I realized that no human being could ever suffice the love my Savior possessed for me, and truly believed it... Dave shows up, ha. It's kinda funny how God works... I'm not sure if David is "The one." I mean, we need to think realistically sometimes, that there are so many people in the world, so many people that we haven't even met yet..who knows. But I must admit... David's love for God, his heart for worship, his friends & family... and what he does for me on a daily basis, have left a lasting impression. I find it hard to imagine someone more perfect for me, than him.

Today I celebrate the two loves of my life. First and forever foremost, My Lord and Precious Savior, with whom none could ever compare. I will love no earthly being more than You... and will continuously strive to set my heart on You before seeking love and affection from another. And second, to the person who, I feel, God may have just made for me... I love you David Shade.

If God Made You

Hey Kid...Your time has come to change
Though I need you more than I've needed anyone in any way tonight
Hey Kid...I know it won't be long
The Captain's calling...come to see you back where we belong

Hey Kid...Do wishes count at all
Can you give me a sign...give me anything I won't tell a soul you told
Hey Kid...Will you hold me when I sleep
Will you find me when the tide decides that I got to leave

Something inside me is breaking
Something inside says there's somewhere better than this...

Sunset sailing on April skies
Bloodshot fire clouds in your eyes
I can't say what I might believe
But if God made you... He's in love with me...

  
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2.

Times.

Bless me Lord, for I have sinned... and have once again fallen short of You:

oh no, You never let go...

I'm pretty sure this weekend was one I won't be able to forget... this weekend I witnessed raw emotion. I witnessed grieving, loss, question, anxiousness, doubt, heartache, anger, uncertainty, bitterness. I witnessed a sheer glimpse of what it could be like for me to lose someone close to me. I have been blessed enough in this life so far to have not had to encounter death, in regards of someone very dear to me... but like all things... that time will come. But I took a peek into the heart of a person who did lose someone close to them, very close to them, and shared in that two year mark, in remembering their death.

God felt very far away over the past 48 hours. I was witnessing a person whom I love dearly, aching and grieving over the loss of a friend, and felt totally helpless. I also felt totally frustrated in that no ease was coming from God, to this person's pain. Questions circulated through in their heart, ultimately, I think, the great "Why?" "Why God, Why?" I prayed for peace for their heart... and I waited.

Last night, I must say, was an absolute and total regression. Someone dear to me, insulted me in a way that left me totally blank. It was unexpected. It was curt. And it cut my heart. I felt like the devil slapped me across the face, and then spat on my crushed spirit. I heard the words, "You are a joke" resounding in my head. "You'll never NEVER beat this. You will fail again and again. Just when I get to the place of strength and confiedence... I am pushed over the edge once more. Brothers and sisters, Last night, he won... he crushed me totally. he made me angry at God for the inability to overcome this struggle, he made me doubt my progess, he made me deny my gifts. he made me feel worthless. Last night, he won.

In all of this emotion, I found myself grieving, lost, questioning, anxious, doubtful, broken, angry, uncertain, bitter. 48 hours of raw emotion. It had come full circle. After extensive tears, and prayer, and rest, I awoke this morning with somehow, a clear head. Somehow, this morning, one that I thought would be inescapably distressful... was filled with grace....with strength... with courage, righteousness, peace, love, abundance, overflow, calm, trust, belief, faithfulness. It was filled with raw emotion.

I am not sure how God works. In fact, I am not sure I could even tip an iceburg on the vastness of His greatness. But what I have seen, in 48 hours... and in 21 years, is that He never... ever...lets go... of you...and me. Last night... I quit on Him. I was done. I was SO DONE. and I am sure my loved one was done this weekend... and I am sure you have been done or will be done or think you could be done. But He is NEVER done with us. He holds on through every tear, every triumph, every broken moment, every joy, every doubt, every trust, He never lets go through  our constant flux of raw emotion experienced daily in a broken world.

Last night I forsaked God.
He never forsakes me.
Ever.
Be strong.
Be courageous.
I am strong.
I am courageous.
I will wait upon You.
My heart will hold on...

You Never Let Go: Matt Redmond

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:a)
Your perfect love is casting out fear (1 John 4:18)
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life (Mark 4:35-41)
I won’t turn back (John 6:66-69)
I know You are near (Psalm 145:18)

And I will fear no evil (Psalm 23:4b)
For my God is with me (Psalm 23:6)
And if my God is with me (Psalm 46--especially verse 11)
Whom then shall I fear? (Psalm 27:1)
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go (Hebrews 13:5-6; Deuternomy 31:6; Joshua 1:1-9)
Through the calm and through the storm (Isaiah 25:4)
Oh no, You never let go (John 10:27-28)
In every high and every low (Ecclesiastes 7:14)
Oh no, You never let go (Psalm 55:22)
Lord, You never let go of me (Matthew 28:20)

Yes, I can see a light (2 Corinthians 4:6) that is coming for the heart that holds on (Psalm 97:11; Psalm 57:4-7; 2 Thessalonians 3:5; Hebrews 10:35-38)
And there will be an end to these troubles (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
But until that day comes (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You (Psalm 71; Ephesians 5:8)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified. For the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you, or forsake you." Deut. 31: 6

the song of my soul.

If there has been one song that has pretty much been my heart cry this year, its been Hallelujah by Heather Williams. Only recently did I discover the song was written about the death of her son. I found this video about her discussing her inspirations for the song and I couldn't help but share it with you.

fun fact... my first wedding (solo)!

Pretty certain that I will be photographing my first wedding on my own THIS July. I met with the future bride this afternoon, as well as her lovely father and grandmother. I must say I was slightly nervous about their expectations, but after discussing things with them, I am feeling quite confident and am absolutely thrilled for this event. I am currently plugging into the wedding world people. Neverr thought this day would come... God's leading... so I will follow... <3

You're not Alone. I Promise.

You ever have a day where you don't feel God? How about a week... a month...a year....? I had to be honest with myself tonight... and therefore be honest with you. I haven't really been able to make out the quiet whisper of our precious Lord amidst the chaos of my life. As I have discovered, the one way I feel like God truly speaks to me is through music. Where as some people can hear God moving through people's testimony's or a Pastor's message, reading scripture or prayer... the one outlet in which I can most always hear God, is through music. Therefore, I constantly am listening to songs filled with truth, particularly when I drive. Half the time I'm afraid I'll have an accident because I will be overwhelmed. However, I must say... over the past few days, I have called upon Him... and have heard nothing. I have waited... and have received silence.

The past few days have been real difficult. I feel literally it was one thing after the next. I asked God to get me through the first situation, and then almost instantly another arises. Last night I quit. I was done. no more praying, no more seeking. No more trying. My boyfriend asked him if he could pray for me when we were on the phone. My response was, "No Dave, I don't want that right now." First off.. what kind of response was that? Second... why after all of this time, would I give up so easily? Why would I throw in the towel after a tough day and just say no thank you.

I must admit. Most of the time I simply can't pray. I feel like I am talking to myself. or that God is somehow so out of reach that he doesn't hear a word I am saying. Therefore, most times, I don't actually pray unless its through song. That may be an excuse to some... but for me its the truth. I find it hard to stay diligent in something where I feel like nothing is being heard.

This afternoon persisted to be even more "complaint worthy." Very frustrated by it all, I vented to a good friend about how ridic the day was. Her response was one quite unexpected...as well as one much needed...

She said, "God gives us the good days so when we have bad days we can remember them, and remember that all days aren't like today. Think real hard and name 6 good things about your day! One thing I've realized in life is that if I focus on the bad, I'm only going to have bad days. But if I think about the good from my days, I realize that they were actually good days...." dumbfounded & grateful all at the same time.... I decided she was very right. & perhaps that was God speaking to me through her... so. Here are 6 good things about my day:

1.) I had lunch with my mom. I was blessed to be able to eat today.
2.) I lead a class discussion on Freud & Psychoanalysis, one in which I feel I did well in. I was blessed to be able to have an opportunity to be educated today.
3.) I'm currently watching the social network. I was blessed to be able to have possessions.
4.) I spent time working on my new photo series in which I am stoked to share with everyone. I was blessed with a skill by God to work through.
5.) I got wet sloppy kisses from my puppy. I was blessed to be able to have a companion who loves me unconditionally.
& 6.) I listened to Red's new cd, Faceless, which has some of the best songs I have heard in a long time. They are full of truth... full of reminders to how we are all on this journey together... and that even when we doubt, when we want to give up, God never leaves our side... even when we think He is a million miles away...

So, I will leave you with their words that helped me tonight. Maybe they'll help you too:

Not Alone

Slowly fading away
You're lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
you're living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now?

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything's gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here

And I'll be your hope when you feel like its over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you're finally in my arms
Look up and see love has a face

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you're not, you're not alone

And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope.