When it Rains

it's raining today. One of the things I loathe most is rain.
Rain = Bleak.

I decided to title my blog today after the song by my newly acclaimed favorite band, Paramore (mostly because Haley Williams has written much of my life) due to the fact that the song reflects not only the current state of the weather, but of the current weathering in my heart.

This morning I gave up. For two weeks now I have been trying my best to stay distracted, project a positive attitude, force emotion, think of something else, talk to some one else. Be alone, be in community, read, sleep, apply to jobs, live.

This morning the monster emerged. I am the following:
Angry, bitter, confused, incredibly frustrated, uncertain and above all things, disappointed.

I have been completely side swiped before. Blindsided.
It is always painful in an awkward sort of way. It has also most often times, resulted in what I would consider a negative outcome.

And no, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
No, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?


The senior pastor at my church gave a three part series on being side swiped in life not that long ago. Bottom line, I should have been listening a little closer than I was.

I had simply reached my limit today. No words of wisdom or inspiring song, or quiet time, or distraction could contain what was about to erupt in my heart.

And so forth were my thoughts "I can not DO this anymore. I am done, I am hurt, the silence is deafening and the withdrawal is insulting. I've done nothing to warrant this lack of affection or removal of presence. This is not my idea of-"

....& then it hit me. 

every emotion that I felt this morning,
is exactly what Jesus felt. every. single. time. I removed myself... from Him.

I immediately felt this feeling come over me, reassuring me that my conclusion was correct. I felt like I simply heard Him say, this is the hurt I have felt over you, my Beloved. 
& yet through my every pulling away and leaving... He waited. He was patient. He didn't leave. He didn't lose control. He did not insult me. Or chastise me. Or declare ultimatums. Or decide to no longer love me.

He didn't do anything, but let me go. until I came back.

((As if I wasn't a puddle of tears enough? Now I am a human flood. & A hideous one at that.)) 

I know the greatest calling of our Christian faith is love others as Jesus has loved us. Given my current situation... I am not so sure if I am capable. I also don't know if that's just an excuse for myself.

I think for so long now I have created so many safe guards to prevent the experience of potential hurt and pain. I have deciphered methods of closing people out & have let my mind believe that I had some sort of control or upper hand. I have learned that those walls are quickly breaking and that the control I believe to possess is non existent. I am not sure what to do with that.

I've heard time and time again, if you love someone let them go. It still doesn't make sense to me. And I'm not quite sure how to do it. I think all I really want is to know where to go from this point. In which direction to start investing fruits & my full attention. But that day is not today. 

I hate rainy days.

for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic...

So lets get right to it.

I am a broken person.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever foresee the journey that this year would be. It's quite amusing actually because it was this time last year, that I even began blogging. I am endlessly mind blown by timing. and how things tend to fall in place right when they should. Sometimes it's a little too scary how "perfect" things unfold.

Have you ever wanted to be free of something so badly but had no idea how to get out of it? That you knew that things could be different for you, but you didn't have any ground work laid to initiate change? That you desperately were longing to fully live the life that you projected, prayed for, lived in, searched out, desired, saw before you, around you, yet saw no real way of doing so because of the following:
1. entitlement 2. comparison 3. pride 4. a wounded heart. 5. fear

& I'm sure anything else you could imagine can stem from one of these things...

Bondage.

The thing that I think is most miraculous about this is, the One that we are proclaiming to seek whole hearted is none of things things. and anything that is of these things is not of Him. For it defies His nature and character.
1. For each one should carry his own load. Both of these verses teach that ultimately each individual should be doing their best to make their own way in life. Galatians 6:5
2.Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.Romans 12:6
3.Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud. Proverbs 16:18-19 
4. He heals the broken hearted and binds up there wounds. Psalm 147:3
5. For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline. 2nd Tim 1:7

what I learned swiftly was that God has been so relentless for my heart, that if I can't get myself out of a situation, if I am so bound by distraction, complacency, wandering, confusion, entitlement, comparison, pride, a broken heart, fear... HE WILL FORCE ME OUT OF IT. because He is above all things. He will not go away. He will not give up. He will not stop pursuing me.

Luke 15: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders, and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

These are the spoken words of Christ, Jesus, our Savior and Lord. 

He goes after you... because you belong to Him... He is constantly chasing you... YOU are the one who keeps running away... YOU are the one who is lost and can't be seen. In fact... I will be so bold to say, that the Lord seeks after YOU boundlessly compared to our great "seeking" of Him...

re·lent·less 

adj.

1. Unyielding in severity or strictness

2. Steady and persistent

& here is my favorite part. and, naturally, the most applicable to my lifeee. 

John 8:

"Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, 

“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

There is no condemnation on Your life. 

Because there is no other human being alive, capable or worthy of such declaration. 

Because before Jesus, not one can stand able. 

Through out the past two weeks. I have endured heartache that I haven't ever felt before. things have been left undefined and left unspoken. Words have been exchanged in populations I know not. Futures hang in ambiguity. & change is imminent. 

The only thing I am certain of is that for the first time in my entire life, I am walking in total freedom. & I think thats enough to trust that whatever is coming is far greater than anything that could derive on my own accord. I have failed myself endlessly. My entitlement, comparing nature, pride & arrogance, my obliterated heart & my unceasing fear in trying to command control, have only failed me to this point. 

what other choice do I have but to trust? to know this time its for real. That this time its different. That the freedom from bondage is right before my eyes. 

& the only suitable response is to cling to it. with two hands. and believe. 

easier said than done. but it's what I will do. 

A year ago I wrote down my first entry. Having no idea that what I was really doing was allowing not only myself, but others to have a glimpse into this uncertain journey, with changed lives being the key element in mind.

I have begged God for the past year for a transparent & honest heart.

I had no idea just what that looked like, until now. a year later. 

Lets do this. 

"You made a place for me, 

silenced all my accusers, 

my soul can't help but sing, Hallelujah."

Here.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."


For as long as I can remember now, I have quoted that silly line from the poem, The Walrus and The Carpenter... however I first heard it through the 90s Nickelodeon movie, Harriet the Spy, who pretty much everyone I have met has told me I resemble...

Despite its goofy verbage, the poem alludes to discernment. And simply begins by stating, the time has come, for discernment.
The past two weeks have been anything but ordinary. Facing quite a few obstacles, some expected, others not so much, I have found myself in great need of escape. 

I always feel that God provides me said time and place just at the opportune moment. I felt as though my journey to Haiti back in August was just the first of the many places God would take me, in order to speak to me what could only be heard in such a circumstance. I love how whenever I experience unrest, He allows a way out of my restlessness....

this pic is totally happening

Friday morning I will be heading to the city of Tampa, another corner of the world I have yet to see. And once again I find myself leaving with a burdened heart, full of wonder, and uncertainty for what lies ahead in the coming year. Once again, I will trust there is an answer is waiting for me in this place. Sometimes by stepping out of familiarity, some thing you have known all along will become more readily apparent. 

There are things I miss. things I want differently. things I am grateful for. things I am waiting for. things I want to change. & things I hope never change. But all of it, I simply must let go of for now. To leave it here and seek clarity. Nothing that I'm sure the sun & sand can't fix...

I know God has given me new mercy this week. I also know there is new mercy waiting for me tomorrow morning. And despite every single desire of my heart & every hope that may reside there... The time has come, to simply be. & so I will.


The time has come....

 It is here. ...

What you see is not what you get.

"People with integrity have nothing to hide & nothing to fear.
Their lives are open books."
-Warren W. Wiersbe

I stumbled upon that quote in reading my devotional, Wisdom Walks, co-written by a good friend, and fellow Haiti team member, Jimmy Page. The devo for that day went into detail about Christian's trying to keep up appearances, for whoever, or whatever's sake. That often times, more than not, what is displayed on the outside is not lining up with what's going on in the inside.

I know in my own life, there have been so many times where someone has asked me how I was doing, and for the simple sake of time and consideration, I softly smile and say, "I'm fine." When in all reality it's the furthest thing from?

Why are we being fake?

"The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity."
Proverbs 11:3 duplicity is defined as: deceitfulness in speech or conduct, as by speaking or acting in two different ways

I am certain that in this passage, the Lord is referring to unfaithfulness to ourselves. To who we really are. & therefore commit to the bondage of a double life. to a half life.

Why are we pretending or wanting to be something we are not?

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10

As someone who has & still continues to struggle with an eating disorder,  I have for too long seen beautiful women, ladies, even young girls fight the demon in the mirror. And men are not immune to comparison. It is a festering polyp that only brings forth growth to deadly sins such as jealousy, envy, contrite, selfish hearts.. and ultimately, to hatred. 

We are seeking after the approval of those who hold a place in a time that is passing before our eyes, instead of the approval of a timeless God, who is the only one with any right or reason to pass judgement. Lift your eyes higher than what you can see before you. Lift your eyes higher than the person looking back at you in the mirror.

There is something to be said for honesty. I love how Jimmy & his co author, Dan Britton put this:

"When who you are on the outside, matches who you are on the inside, you have wholeness, completeness, soundness. When you're authentic- not perfect, but real- your life will change. Other's lives will change. families, schools, communities, even nations, will change."

I wrote this today mostly for myself. I came to the realization that there are some things I am battling with currently that have sadly resurfaced from the past. Because my number one goal in my pursuit in my faith is to be a transparent vessel, I needed to be honest with myself, mostly, to try to understand what integrity really means & how to obtain such through the Grace of God. I feel I have only begun to scratch the surface, but at least today will begin with transparency, & truth.

I urge you to ask me questions, if it so helps you in your own life. But more so, I ask you to ask yourself questions to further honesty and growth in your journey. Where do you see duplicity in your life? What areas are keeping you from experiencing the full freedom that Jesus can bring you?

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 
1st Corinthians 13:12


He has already set you free.
Now the task remains to set free ourselves.