a personal peek into my gratitude

I am grateful for what I have

My thanksgiving is perpetual...
O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches.
No run on my bank can drain it
for my wealth is not possession, but enjoyment. Henry David Thoreau.

For most of my blogging journey, I blog about my insecurities or strife, struggles & uncertainties. Yet, ever so often I find it most necessary to write down my present joys and gratitude. June has been off to an amazing start, and I have felt overwhelmed with encouragement, despite resurgent worries or discouragements. I decided to make this one very personal. :)  


1. Rehobeth.

my mother and I recently ventured off to the unexplored land of Rehobeth, DE. I found it hard to believe that despite the many trips I've taken to Ocean City, just 20 miles south of Rehobeth, I had never been to what was one of the coolest and quaintest communities. I was blessed by a California king sized bed, fantastic food, morning prayer time on the beach, and some much needed quality time with my mama. I believe I cherished our laughter most. Any time spent with my mom is sacred time... she is my greatest advocate. Rehobeth was our escape. The trip was much needed medicine for both of our hearts. I didn't want to come home.

2. The amazing, anointed, and heartfelt community that is my 

church family.

So many times I stop and look at the people who have flooded my life for the past two years, and I am left in awe. I've lived, what, almost 23 years in this community? (UGH, YIKES, DEATH, MANHATTAN.... half kidding....) where WERE these people all of my life? Did I simply walk past them and not notice them? Would I have missed knowing any of them had I not stepped into my church almost 2 years ago? I don't even want to think of it! The Lord has taken many friends out of my life, some for good reason, some that I will never quite know the reason... but if He has not surrounded with some of the truest friendships... I have been beyond blessed by the people the Lord has placed to walk alongside of me in this season of life; younger, older, male, female. All broken people, all loved by God. All people who want nothing else but to know Jesus more. 

Now for those of you who know me well, I was never the bible study girl. I didn't do "women's" anything. Girls weekends... women's retreats or gatherings... or the worst.... Ladies tea?!?!... no thank you. - However- I decided to give this bible study a chance... I figured how bad could it really be?...
& once again, God blew my feeble mind with goodness. I have been so blessed by my bible study ladies. I have been showered by laughter, prayer, encouragement & above all else, challenge. We have just begun a new study on the life of David that will carry us into late August. I am so excited to be on this journey with them...

(( + a few more ladies who are not in the pictures... I have no forgotten you...!<3))

 To my sweet friends & church family... thank you for loving me for me. For every single quirk and imperfection. You have demonstrated Jesus to me & have left a lasting impression on my heart.

3. Patience. 

     Wait verb \ˈwāt\ : to stay in place in expectation

Something that I have been challenged with lately by my dear friend Chelsea is expectation in waiting on the Lord to make movement. To not simply be walking through life allowing time to pass or living for myself or trying to make my dreams happen. But to be waiting patiently, trusting in full confidence that the Lord will reveal himself to me. To be earnestly seeking & presently reminded of His relentless pursuit of my heart. Some days, that just has to be enough. The calling of my life may not be unveiled to me when I wish it to be... but it does not mean that the Lord does not already have it for me. It may seem commonplace to you... but this is daily struggle of mine... to be expectant and trusting that the Lord has something for me... and it will be revealed in His perfect time... in the mean while I will be waiting, soaking up the opportunities that lay before the passing months, days, even moments... I am beyond grateful for His perfect timing... & that it's really not up to me after all... #patientlywaiting

Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 37:9 

4. All that awaits me.

The following weeks & months ahead, I believe, will be filled with some of the greatest joys I can foresee. I finally have been blessed with a new car, which I am picking up tomorrow! This will allow me to finally make the step in moving out of my home... although this is a bittersweet process, I am looking forward to the scary, yet empowering step into adulthood as I gain a new journey & two amazing ladies as sisters & roommates :) (if you will). I will be spending the end of June on the Outer banks of North Carolina with my beloved David & his dear family.

July is filled with photo shoots & weddings... leading right up to one of my best friend's wedding, who's getting married in early August. & as I head into the fall, thus begins planning and praying for my journey to Ethiopia. For all that lies ahead of me... in 2012... & for all of my days... I am blessed.

...Just having you follow along my life with me, is a joy in itself.... 

I am grateful. I am thankful. Praise be to Jesus.

As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily.  The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.  ~Terri Guillemets

what is a friend?

Today I was blessed. Blessed beyond words. Moved to tears, I was reminded that when God takes away... He provides... & often times... provides something that far surpasses what was removed....

"Thanks for letting me process things with you. I have loved learning alongside of you. I know we have greater things yet to come, in our friendship and in our personal lives. You have been given way too much for it to not be used. I have no doubt God is molding something for you to be placed in your life at just the right time. You came to me at the exact time I needed it, and I didn’t even know it or realize it till much later. In the same way, I know God is taking you where He wants you. Whether it is what we have planned, that I cannot say. But I do know this: it will good, and it will add to the fullness of your life. He promises. And I just can’t wait to look back again in a year or two and realize what God did right now that we didn’t see or understand while it was happening.

Lindsey Plevyak I am so proud of who you are and who you are becoming. It’s beautiful and I’m so glad to be a part of it. So here’s to you. To us not getting the things we think we want, and getting the things we didn’t know we  needed at just the right time and to God working out all the details in a way only He can."

Always & forever...

all my love, sacred friend. 

"Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter:

                                               whoever finds one has found a treasure.

Faithful friends are beyond price;

no amount can balance their worth.

Faithful friends are life-saving medicine;

and those who fear the Lord will find them.”-Sirach 6:14-16

If there was one piece of advice to give to a parent..

First off, I'm not a parent. The older I get, the more respect I gain for parents. For all that they sacrifice, for endless hours, of physical & emotional output. For the time they invest in cultivating character & for my Christian friends who are parents, making the pursuit of Christ a priority even in developing minds of children.

Because I am no parent, I really don't see a point in telling a parent how to raise a child, what is beneficial for them etc. However, I have seen the same example of a behavior, repeatedly that has left me completely heart broken. It has made me want to grab the parental by the face and go...
wake. up. please.

So I figured that I would blog about it, since that's where I tend to unleash most of my unspoken cognitions anyway.

Multiple times now, I have first hand witnessed parents out with their younger aged children... texting the entire time that their kids are begging for their attention.

It makes me sick.

2 scenarios to date within the same week:

1. Little boy walking out of a gaming store. Dad puts him in the car. Little boy is gabbing away about how excited he is to play with his dad. Says things like, "Come on daddy, are you ready to go? I am so excited to play with you etc." Dad, on the outside of the vehicle, cigarette in one hand, phone in the other.. " (Name-) Just be quiet a minute! I need to send this message. It is incredibly important." 5 mins later. Still on the phone. Doesn't lift his face out from his phone, except to take another inhalation of his cigarette.

2. Dad takes little girls out to dinner. Girls are coloring and asking him questions. Dad doesn't lift up his head from the phone even once during the entire meal with his two small, sweet daughters.

Part of me literally wanted to rip the phone out of their hands and say "PAY ATTENTION TO THEM- THEY NEED YOU. YOU ARE THEIR WORLD! One day because you don't give them the attention they need now, the declaration of their worth NOW, they will go looking for it elsewhere. Your stupid phone can wait!"

I know we are now living in a culture flooded by cell phones, texting, emails, & social media. But I can't help but think that we are losing touch just a little when we start neglecting those who are sitting right before us. The one's that God is asking us to be pouring into, presently.

I am not a parent. But I am so tired of seeing parents blinded to this. In a few years, when your child wanders off and is searching for the attention they needed from you beforehand, maybe they will have an "app" for you to figure out how to reach them. You are missing the opportunity and the responsibility they have been given to nurture and cherish the time that their children are seeking THEM out for attention.

One day, that will end. And you won't be as important to them as you once were.

I am not a parent.
I am not a parent.

Architecture

*I'm an architect, of days that haven't happened yet...

ar·chi·tect

1.   One who designs and supervises the construction of buildings or other large structures.

2.   One who designs and guides a plan or undertaking

Has anyone else felt like this has been "run around like a headless chicken" week?


I don't know about you, but between photo shoots, scheduling upcoming shoots, editing past shoots, working. working. working, serving at church, planning to serve more at church, bible study, getting ready to move, seeing the boyfriend who is always a.) working b.) touring or c.) serving at church, keeping up with friends and family members, taking care of a crazy pit bull baby, maid of honor duties for one of my best friend's wedding, which is rapidly approaching, and a potential trip to Africa *praying praying praying* in July... I'm just a wee bit tired.


I have virtually planned every single day of my life from now until after mid August. With little to no room for deviation.


And of course the big girl questions are still buzzing about... like grad school or seminary ... or photo journalist....or national geographic .... or.... ____________ you fill in the blank! 


I have found myself exhausted by rigidity. But I often find that I lack framework for any other method to living. From the moment we are little its always about getting to whats next. The next birthday, the next grade...the next activity... then it progresses to the next 4 years of high school, then to the next 4 years of college... then to "the next step" in relationships and careers... 


I'm going to be 23 years old in October. When did that happen? Now in no way am I saying I am '"old" by any stretch, but I cannot deny that with each passing birthday, I feel time moving just a little faster... and I am slightly afraid of it. Afraid of scheduling myself to the point of passing days without intent and purpose.... So focused on getting to the "next" _________ that by the time I arrive I will feel as though everything was rushed in the process. 

"Now listen, you who say, "today or tomorrow, we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money..." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this... or that..." - James (the man) 4:13-15


This (no coincidence) was the verse in my devotional for today. I wrestled with what Ms. Joyce Meyer had to say about living ahead in the future instead of the present. She modeled her discussion off of this verse and wrote that we can plan whatever we want, but if it's not in the Lord's will for our lives, it won't happen. And even if plans "follow through" it may result in a harder road, because we chose our way, instead of the Highway (ya see what I did there ;)


How can I not be planning for my future? So much of who I am is a planner. Having an agenda is how I function! And of course, my mind wanders a little bit ahead of me sometimes... it seems appropriate to try to have a timeline, or time frame... orderliness... And then I realized. I've fallen victim to "the next" epidemic. 


Maybe we all have. And maybe it's a result of our condition. But I have to keep remembering that the God I serve is beyond time. Above a schedule and above my simple simple plans. He isn't watching the clock. And He certainly isn't following my itinerary. He is a God of freedom. Of interruption. Of "out of the blue"...


& I can be honest that, those things scare me a little. I was humbled today by how small I really am. How I'm really not that important. And how I spend the "mist" of time that I am here is actually quite crucial when looking at the bigger picture...


it's also no coincidence I heard this song today...



*"People today are trying to define themselves by what they can get out of life:
What they wear, how they look, how much stuff they have, what kind of car they drive.
I've been to a lot of funerals and have never yet eulogised for a person for any of that kind of stuff.


It's always about the relationships.


Were they kind? Were they generous? Did they help others?
It's always what they talked about because that's all that really counts in the end.


The people you touched are your real legacy. 
You're not defined by what you take from this world.
The fact is you won't take anything with you.
You're defined by what you leave behind, what you give to this world and by how you impact other people."

Sometimes, it's quite frightening how easily we lose sight of why we are here. I suppose that's why the Lord constantly is reminding us to remain humble.. and to constantly seek Him. The moment we forget Him, we instantly will fall back on serving ourselves. And as the Lord has proven time and time again, we will always fail ourselves, despite our greatest attempts...


One of my favorite verses is John 15:15... it simply states "apart from me, You can do nothing." Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing.
I have never interpreted that as a calloused and pious statement... but rather, a desperate urge to accept a deafening truth... I can feel Jesus begging us to understand, how much we need Him, trying to get us to see the great dependence we should have on Him. 


I've discovered so much of my disease is the desire for control. But I don't think I'm the only one who is seeking it. We may have different techniques or methodologies on how we carry out the desire... but the desire exists regardless. I didn't create myself. So how do I know how I work? Why would I ever assume I know what's best or that I have all the answers? Was I there when life began? When the universe was constructed together? When life was breathed into man from the dust of the earth? no. No, I am no Architect. But I do know a pretty good One... 
I think I should just leave the construction of my days up to the One who called my days into being, don't you agree? 

"It's been said that there's only two ways to live: You can either love things and use people, or you can love people and use things.

I've made my choice. I'm going to love people.

People, they last forever. Everything else just burns. Everything else just burns."

*John Mayer. Face to Call Home 

*Shirock. Everything Burns 

I'm bigger than my body

“That’s sad. How plastic and artificial life has become. It gets harder and harder to find something…real.” Real love, real friends, real body parts…”― Jess C. Scott, The Other Side of Life

When I started this blog back in 2010, I really had no clear vision for what I intended it to be. I knew that rapid changes were occurring, and I wanted to find a way to write everything down so that I wouldn't miss or forget the transformation that was before me. As my writing progressed, it was then later on that the Lord revealed to me that my blog needed to serve as an tool of transparency. He asked me to be open and honest here. To not withhold the struggles and complexities of my life from it. To be authentic. To be clear and to the point. He asked me to be a vessel. He asked me to be genuine. with myself. and with you. 

I'm not really sure the exact moment when it all started. I didn't wake up one day and decide I didn't want to eat anymore. I also didn't decide to allow pervasive and at times, all consuming thoughts about my dissatisfaction with my physical appearance to flood my mind on a daily basis. I never wanted to care about something that was so perverse and dysfunctional... I also never wanted to have control over something that had complete control over me.

We can say its a result of our culture. Or a result of a chemical imbalance. Or from unnatural expectations. Or from insecurity. Or from a fatherless generation... or from men... Or women. Whatever we say it doesn't change the fact that *8 million Americans (that means women & men) are suffering from an eating disorder.

*"Although many people feel dissatisfied with some aspect of their appearance, these concerns usually don't constantly occupy their thoughts or cause them to feel tormented. But for some people, concerns about appearance become quite extreme and upsetting. Some people become so focused on imagined or minor imperfections in their looks that they can't seem to stop checking or obsessing about their appearance."

*95% of those with eating disorders are between the ages of 12-25...

 *Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate among mental illness. Not sure if anyone has realized this or not... but an eating disorder is a self-inflected mental disorder. 

I believe that it is natural that we all have something that we which was different, or that we could change about ourselves... but not to the point of self starvation.... self induced vomiting... laxatives... diet pills... extreme, radical demonstrations. 

“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
― Cheri K. Erdman.

Something is very wrong here. In a country where we have been INFINITELY blessed by abundance... I have found myself spending some days doing nothing but trying to avoid what has been so graciously, undeservedly given to me. 

I have an unhealthy relationship with food. 

I have a very, distorted body image.

I am one of the 8 million Americans who has an eating disorder

I am one of 8 million Americans who has an eating disorder who was made and loved by Jesus. 

“Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.” ― Fiona Apple

The entire dilemma that lies in battling mental illness is often times the will to want to be better, to want to change or be different. Despite the fact that I hate the immense amount of cognitive energy I waste on obsessing about all of this, doesn't void the terrorizing idea of what life would look like without the routine of this. I want to let go of the control... but the thought of not having the control is what is paralyzing. 

This type of thinking is not limited to mental disability... but rather, a perfect image of what our entire faith in the Lord looks like. We do not possess the control. The Lord asks us to surrender daily, because the freedom He can offer us beyond the "security" of our strongholds is incomprehensible. All we need to do is unclench our fists. 

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetic herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”― Steve Maraboli

I needed to write this down. And as hard as it is for me, the more that I discuss it, the less pervasive it becomes. The more I share, the easier it gets. The more fellowship I am a part of, the more heartfelt prayer I receive. The more light I cast upon it, the more darkness is diminished. 

you know, It may come across to you as something really silly. Something that I should just "get over" or something that "I must be crazy for thinking." & maybe I should just get over it. & Maybe, just maybe I am crazy. But I have been often reminded that Jesus didn't carry His cross so we didn't have to. He carried His cross, so that we could carry ours. 

This is my cross. My heavy burden. And despite the weaker areas of my life, my prayer is that one day, I will be able to help others like me. That my testimony will demonstrate what Jesus has already done & what He can do in the life of a broken person. He has already won this battle for me. Whether I never have total freedom in this life from it, He has already secured freedom from it in the next. & I'm ok with that. 

“Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it's about knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can't have it.” ― Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything

Someday I'll fly. Someday, I'll soar.

Someday I'll be, so much more. 

Because I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for.

 *National Associate for Anorexia and Associated Eating Disorders

Untitled

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road....

I spent a lot of time last night trying to process my day yesterday. It was a day that was the result of weeks of God bending me, twisting my arm, and shedding some light in the unaddressed areas of my heart. I was actually left speechless in just how apparent He made himself yesterday. But I'll give you some background info first
- And please let me also say, this is not easy for me to share. But my hope is that it is used to glorify what God is doing in my life. 


For most of you who know me, I graduated from college last May. It's really hard to believe its been a year already...In some ways,  I feel like that was just a few months ago... But in other ways, I've grown so much since then, it feels like a life ago. 


Most of my classmates had a very leisurely senior year, due to completing most of their requirements for graduation in the bulk of their junior year. Not I!. I decided to take on a second major before entering my senior year, with hope that it would potentially providing more opportunities for me in the future. I spent my entire summer enrolled in painfully hot classrooms, studying and trying my best to meet now 2 major(s) requirements before graduating. Needless to say I was exhausted. But I was certain this would only open up more doors for me at a later time... 


I walked off the stage last May with a piece of paper in my hand that was my "security" for the workforce, or at least that was what I had been told for years. Get a college degree and you're like set, Right? Wrong. 


Here I am almost a year later of job searching, application submitting, praying etc and my first job post those 4 years of hard work and dedication winds up being the exact job that I did prior to graduating; working in a restaurant. 


I kinda sat there and was like, "Really Lord? I mean, did you not happen to notice the 4 years I put into going to school so that I wouldn't have to work there anymore? Not really sure what You're up to..." 
People have asked me how it was going and I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to bring it up. I was essentially being a pious brat. 


Now here's the thing. The Lord has exposed somethings to me about myself that have been down right ugly. I am no saint lol. But the one thing that I was never really aware of, was my pride. 


pride

noun

1.

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity,importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct

Some where in amidst the wonderful institution that education is, I became disillusioned, without ever really realizing. 

sometimes, I feel such agitation in my bones that I am not being used to my full potential. I sit there and pray, "Lord, I know you give us a taste of heaven so that we never settle for less(2nd Corinthians 5)...Use me and my gifts! Send me! Let me be of use. Let my abilities expand your Kingdom- why in this world are you limiting my capacities?!"


*Shrugs Shoulders*


It was no surprise to me that the verse of the day in my devotional for yesterday was this:

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

Slightly agitated by the oh-so-ironic-coincidence, I meditated over the verse as I walked into my first day at my new job a little hard hearted, but still willing to endure... (Do you get a sense of my swollen ego?!- pious brat)


It was there, in a restaurant, in my home town, did Jesus radiate through the pious walls of my heart. I had the opportunity to share my faith with not one, not two, not even three- but 6 people yesterday... 6 souls, yesterday...The way conversations began didn't even make sense! One young man asked me about my tattoos, allowing me to share the stories behind them... (hence why I have them, they are sometimes, my greatness witnessing tools- #tattooadvocate) Another lady asked me about the ring I wear on my ring finger, in which I was able to explain how the Lord had restored my purity to me, and I was now waiting for my husband. Another person just asked simply because I prayed over my food before I ate, something that I usually forget to do!.... 


I was in awe of how present He was in my day, in the last place I expected Him to be. I couldn't have ignored it if I tried. 


And of course, the best for last. One of the servers who works with me has a miraculous testimony of how God healed her from a 2 year debilitating illness. She walked up to me at the end of the night and said this to me:


"Hey, I remember you say from the other day that this isn't the job that you envisioned for yourself post graduating, but you know, God's plan for our lives is so much greater than we understand... He is going to use you, no matter where you are, You don't know what He's doing, you just have to trust Him... (here's the Jesus slap across my face-)
...Just let go of your Pride. It's going to be ok." 


In total disbelief... all I could do was thank her. 
She replied, "I just felt the need to tell you that."


A complete stranger who doesn't know me at all, or anything about my life- other then the fact that I simply said, "this isn't the job I thought I would have post graduating," spoke the very truth to me that I had been wrestling with for weeks.
Pride. 
How did she know? 
How did she know the very words to say to me to lift my head to the sky? 


I walked out of that restaurant last night, changed. humbled. and more faithful than ever. 


I wanted to write this down to help anyone who may be feeling like they are not where they are supposed to be. It is something I have wrestled with for half of my life. Believing that the something they feel is the right thing for their life is not yet unfolding. If you are getting weary in God's faithfulness, remember the times He was faithful to you and hold onto that moment, even if its from minute to moment. I've heard it a thousand times, that God's time and our time aren't the same... and I never understood until yesterday, just what that really looked like. 

I was in great need of a swift reminder of His great power. I hope this will be nothing but an encouragement to your morning, and your walk with the Lord. His timing is perfect. 
Trust Him. I promise, He is there. Ever good, Ever faithful. 
Praying for us all. 

....Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow

And when it's time, you'll know