goodbye 2010...parting is such sweet sorrow...

2010 for me will be a year I will never forget. I think up until now, the other years seem to blur together a bit. My senior year of high school stands out among them, but just because I think it was my graduating year. This year for me was so different then any other, because looking back, so much change and growth occurred in my life in those 12 months. So I think I'll go back over the months with you, collectively..

January-February:
       Surprisingly enough these months weren't all that terrible. I had been struggling with immense anxiety and eating issues all throughout the fall of 09 due to a lot of stress from the relationship I was in at the time. I suppose the holiday cheer was carrying through, and he and I were getting along quite well. Nothing truly monumental happened other then a few small bursts here and there..

March:
    Ah March stands alone. I think I felt the most pain I've ever felt in my life in March. I was completely and utterly walked on by a person who had never put me first in 2 years of dating. I had tried and tried to be all that I could have been for that guy. I was physically sick from stress that existed in the relationship. But for some reason that was not enough. I felt the wrath of "the upper hand" in March. And spent many nights crying myself to sleep, being ignored, told that he would talk to me when he felt like it and if I loved him, I'd sit around, wait and deal. March 2010 is a month I'll never forget, even though I will always try to.

April:
   April was a profound month forged by inner strength. It all changed on Easter. Although my heart was in the wrong place, and my actions spoke louder than any words ever could, I finally snapped myself out of the close ties to this person, and finally cut it off. I know it sounds like it shoulda been easier... but it's always easier said then done... No more crying. No more lies. No more BS. I deserved so much more. and I finally realized that.

May- July:
   These months were the most interesting looking back, because I feel like a side of myself emerged that I am not sure had ever been seen before. I was so emotionally drained from the relationship, that I carried a numbness into new relationships I was making. I spent time with dudes who were soo wrong for me just because it was something to do? My thinking was just flawed. These months were spent wasting precious time. These months were also the months where I felt the most spiritually dead. And had many people who I thought really cared for me...but really didn't...exit my life...

August... :')...
     The best of all. In this month, I got close to a person who left a lasting impression. I know that I've only been with him a few months now, but Dave was the guy who changed my thinking. He made me realize I could love again...that I could love God again. In august, I found the Love of my life...August was the turning point. I found Him<3.

September-December:
   The months of growth. I was blessed with a new amazing church, an entirely new and fantastic group of friends, a deep reconnection with old friends, rebuilding relationships with my family, learning who I was on my own two feet, celebrating holidays with the true meaning instilled in them, turning 21, and finally getting a body piercing. These months have been the best. I have shared more smiles and laughs and have drank way more caffeine then any human should. But these months will leave lasting memories in my heart.
   
This year stands out the most to me because in 12 months, I literally experienced, what has been up til now, the hardest and most difficult time in my life... I was a completely lost person, miserable, mentally unstable, selfish and broken... and in the same year, became a person who is appreciative, is a total goofball, loves deeply and is truly joyful. I believe the transformation is quite noticeable. 2010 left me with an amazing testimony, one filled with experience.

 In just a few short hours will all embark on the journey into 2011. In a few hours, the whole world will start again, with hopes for clean slates and starting points, resolutions and promises. I truly believe that 2011 will bring forth the fruits in which I have been searching for. I believe this year, will be a big one. My hope is that you will truly spend this year finding you. That you can leave behind regrets and savor moments of joy. That 2011 will be a start of something much bigger than yourself. Lets cross our fingers and have high hopes. Thank God for new years. Thank God for new days.

    

 Happy New Year, <3 me

I will dance & sing & rejoice... because of You.

We are new creations. We are saved by grace. We are loved. Everyday.

All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing... I have a reason to worship

well i'm wonderin bout the road ahead of me, wonderin if these dreams will ever do...

Tonight I had 800 thoughts about where I'm heading. I am about to start my final semester of college and I must say, the uncertainty of it all is sometimes a tad overbearing. I am sure many of you know the familiar feeling of  "ok so you're in college now, so uh, whatcha gonna do with your life?" ....umm.... uh... well... yeah... I feel like kids in high school can not prepare enough for the transition that college brings... and college most certainly does not prepare enough for the vast unknown after graduation.

I just figured out THIS spring that I wanted to pursue a career as a Photographer...I've spent my entire senior year of college attacking a second major, trying my best to finish so that I may better my chances in the photog world... and with that comes more stress of organizing graduate school applications and trying to plan internships. My question is, when does it end? When can I just stop doing all this and just live? Is that entirely irrational thinking on my behalf? I can't help but think about the endless amounts of opportunities that are passing by me because of school and the stress surrounding it. Maybe I am just having major senioritus right now, but I seriously have come to resent schooling and education. I feel like it causes you to be very selfish. College instills the idea into young minds that you have to beat out the person in the seat next to you, and with the state of the economy, you have to be the best to get to the top of the job market. And that may be all well and good, but I can't help but think about putting all of that aside and just following my heart for once. It's always been about being independent and making money for me. I've always told myself I would never depend on another person for financial support. That anything I needed or wanted in life, I would make it happen based on my own success and so forth. That side of me is really driving me to continue my education, to pursue graduate school and get some fancy schmancy dream job working for national geographic. I swear, I want nothing more than to have one of my pictures be the photo of the day on their website...(giggles). However.. at the exact same time...part of me just wants to forget school and just live. Get my own place, work, intern somewhere cool, explore, move to Manhattan, just be able to pick up and go out to places and bring back pictures that will move people.

How do I do it? How? I can't even pay my car payment... how will I ever be able to support myself and make all these desires happen? Are my dreams just dreams...or with the strength of God, can I really live them out?... Can I live a legacy? Can I, Lindsey Plevyak, be that person you remember....?

I just don't know. I want to do huge things. But I need to always remember that my version of "huge" isn't God's version of "huge." Maybe what God wants for my life isn't in my big plan. & I need to open to that. I've decided to go ahead and try to apply to grad school for fall admission... I've also decided that if I am not accepted it is because God wants me somewhere else for that time... & I've made peace with that... but I'm still gonna give it a whirl.

Guys, I have no clue whats ahead of me..I just had to be honest tonight and remind myself that I do not know all the answers...and I am actually quite fearful of the coming months. All I can do is give up my dreams to something bigger than myself. God knows the desires of our hearts... and I believe we are all called to greatness... by HIS definition. Let's start letting go a bit shall we? I believe in US!

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart & lean not on your own understanding. In all ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

my baby's growin up...

I got my little man in mid june this year... although much about him is unknown to me since we adopted him from a rescue center, I do know he is about 7-8 months old now... The first picture was taken the day I got him... the second picture was taken Christmas eve.... I can't even believe how much he (and I, ugh) have grown. He'll always be my babe tho... <3

Bentley 2010 :)

It's always winter, but never Christmas...

Due to the madness that will take place over the next 24 hours, I decided to write my Christmas blog today. As always, Christmas crept up again without much preparation. I find myself always wanting to enjoy the days coming, that time would simply slow down during these days. This year I think it went the fastest. I think with the hectic and chaotic pace of the world, it's almost impossible to move slowly. Everyone's rushing, everyone's got somewhere to be, everyone's talking to everyone about rushing. Tis the season to be jolly, and joyful, peaceful... Yet I can't help but see frustration, tension, stress, madness... Taking a step back, where is this coming from? Why are we so tense? Because we have to shop? Get to the grocery store, send the cards, get the perfect gift... spend spend spend...plan plan plan.... Are we stressing out preparing to celebrate His birth? Or are we getting stressed to celebrate ourselves, eachother...? All of our stress isn't really in regards to Jesus... and this is His day after all isn't it? And I'm pretty postive He wouldn't want His day to be rushed, or stressed, or tense....

I feel like if we are rushing, we will miss the beauty that is coming in the next few hours. I wonder if the wise men rushed to the manager. Did they disreguard the beauty of the morning star? Did they pass by the needs of others along their journey? Did they spend hours agonizing over the "perfect" gifts for Jesus? Or did they simply stop, and breathe... and take in what was happening before them.

Here it is: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not die, but have eternal life." This may be the most renown verse of all... but it is the essence of Christmas. God gave us the gift of Jesus Christ, to save us all from our sins and certain death. This is, and will always be the only sufficient gift. And our gift to Jesus should be nothing less than an open heart.

The next few hours are coming quickly. We can make of them what we chose, however, my hope for you is that you find an hour or moment, to recall why we are all spending this day in celebration. This day is not about our gains or obligations met. It is, and will always be about Him & what He gave for us. He was born to die, for you & me. His love is endless. My prayer for you tonight is that you pause, look to the sky, and feel peace, knowing that you are infinitely loved. Merry Christmas :)

& I, I celebrate that day, that You were born to die... so I could one day pray for You to save my life.... Pray for You to save my life....

thankful.grateful.full.filled.

Pondering the days before Christmas and only a week before the new year, I am reflecting on the things that I have been so blessed by this year. People, places, things, that have touched my life and have left me ever so thankful. I thought I would list :)

*retaining some sort of sanity after this ridic semester
*lifepoint church
*spiritual growth
*bentsie, the best puppy ever
*learning to be still
*flyleaf, red, skillet, tenth avenue north, and hillsong united
*new friends
*& old
*faithfullness
*direction after graduation
*new york city
*coffee dates
*the wonderful man God put in my life
*answered prayers
*my blog
*cristina
*chai tea
*rebuilding my relationship with my mom

* & last but certainly not least... finding my way back to You. thank You for waiting for me. You knew I would come back to You. <3

I'm ready for you 2011...

this is the prayer for my life.

"Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. 2nd Tim 2:21"

Photograph by Mary Crocamo

This verse has truly been leading me through out this year. I am striving to be seen as a complete and total use for the Lord. I know I have so far to come, but through my prayers, and the prayers of faithful friends, I am seeing this process in motion. I am seeing the fruits of the Harvest. After 21 years, I feel like I finally get it.

& I'm here to remind you, pretty girl...

She is a pyramid
But with him she's just a grain of sand
This loves too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane
But now she's just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh she used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they never ever met
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world

Do you know that there’s a way out?
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out

You don’t have to be held down

Cause I used to be a shell...
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world

But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell no
You’re the one that rules your world.
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable.

He loves you. I love you. You're never alone.

if you're pullin an all nighter like me...

what I am doing right now....

                                                    what I need to do all the things I do...

                                                       Where my thoughts really are...

                                                      where they will always be....

" God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; He will help her when morning dawns." Psalm 45: 5♥

Memento Mori

I just bought the new flyleaf cd, I swear that Lacey Strum is one of the most prophetic women writers of modern day. Most recording artists list the lyrics of their songs or pictures in the beginning pages of the album booklet. This was the only thing written, and I felt the need to share:

04. 10. 10.
  
    My daddy died in the war. At the funeral I couldn't take my eyes off of the beautiful script tattooed on his hands. "Memento" on his left, "Mori" on his right. That was the first time I understood the words he had always spoken to me whenever he felt like I was being reckless with my time... or when I pitched fit of anger over something petty...or when I went around discontented and depressed because of circumstances, over which I had no control...

"Memento Mori, my favorite one," he'd say, "We must remember that each day of each life is a gift. We must not waste the opportunities we have to be alive and to truly love."

I had wasted so many moments with my daddy because of my selfishness. I would wallow in my own problems and make them the center of my life. All the while, my daddy was fighting to show the world that if we would selfless and love, then we could actually make the world a better place.

I heard him tell young soldiers who were deeply depressed, "You must take your eyes off of yourself and put them on others." There was such a gentle love in his voice when he said this, never discounting the suffering in the heart of the soldiers while encouraging their caring for one another. He is the only one I ever knew who could speak with such bold truth and compassionate love at the same time.

The day after his funeral, I embroidered a patch on my coat that I committed to wear every day with the reminder that because I will die, I must remember to live, to be alive and to do what I can while I'm still breathing and and always choose to love with joy and grace. Also, when someone I love wants to live like they are already dead, the patch reminds me of my love for them and that I should not forget to pray for them to remember to live.

I embroidered the words Memento Vivere in the same beautiful script that once had read "Memento Mori" across my daddy's hands. I know I will die..so I must remember to live.

-Maranatha Pearl
Daughter of the Commander

you are the best thing, thats ever been mine...

1 John 3:18

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth



photo by bekah kay martindale

So. I felt very warm and fuzzy today. No, but really.. I felt very compelled to write about this for today's entry because Dave has played an amazing role in helping me grow in my faith. I met Dave through a mutual friend last year, but it wasn't until this February that we really began to get to know each other. Now keep in mind, around this time, and through out a large portion of the summer, I was not walking with the Lord. Throughout this time, Dave and I would chat occasionally, and in these conversations, he would always invite me to church. Well... I certainly wasn't up for that. I had far more important things to do... like waste time and energy with dudes that didn't love God, or value me. But that did not stop him. Despite my 100 No's, or I cant's or maybe next week.... He always said, "Ok, hopefully next time." He didn't give up on me. It was that Saturday night I remember, when my heart was so heavy I knew I couldn't really keep going on with the physically, emotionally and spiritually draining life I was leading, that I received the lovely, "Hey want to come to church with me in the morning?" And thank God, I said yes... and I went. And here I am lol.

David has been one of the most influential people in helping me get close to God again. He has wiped my many tears, has prayed for me when I can't pray for myself and has made me feel beautiful when I feel the furthest thing from. After the destruction and devastation of my last relationship, I had grown even more cynical in believing in relationships and love and so forth. I realized I had built a 10 foot wall around my heart. And protected it by severing ties between emotionality and physicality. I had blurred lines that needed to be defined. And I kept my desires away from God, and thought my way was the best. David has challenged me to seek my relationship with God before seeking my relationship with him. To let God heal my pain in the ways Dave could never. That the only way we can ever work is if our relationship is God, Dave and I. Those who know me well know that I'm a pretty strong personality. And hearing a lot of this hasn't gone over to well. But I've learned when God is telling us "no" its because He knows best. We never know best. I thought I knew best all this time...and all its left me is deep seated scaring... ones I may carry lifelong.

One day when we were out for a drive, Dave looked at me and said, "I want to be the guy you tell your husband that pointed you back to God. That loved you the way you should be, unconditionally. I want you to be able to tell him that." Despite my belief that marriage is not in my future, David has challenged me to put God first in everything that I do. I am  not sure what God has in store for us, but all I know is my life has been blessed by his. Both God and Dave are slowing breaking through the thick walls around my heart, and I think I'm on my way to believing again... But for now...and for always... Dave, you my dear, are the only exception. Thank you for your life. and for being my best friend. <3

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.
And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I've got a tight grip on reality,
but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.

You are the only exception.
And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing....

I Believe in Dreams

Oh this band... This girl writes everything I would ever want to say but don't know how... New Flyleaf...

Believe in Dreams

Believe in dreams
You love so much
Let the passion of your heart
Make them real
And tell
All the ones you love
Everything about the love you feel

oh photography... my greatest passion you are....

beauty is in the eye of the Beholder...

I woke up today feeling oppressed by my own self. Pretty legit way to dive in eh? But its true....As I stated briefly in a previous entry, I struggle immensely with my body image. Well, this morning resulted in a full fledged attack... I don't even think I was awake ten minutes. I didn't want to get up or go out because of how I felt. Inside all I heard was a resounding, "You're fat and you will never lose the holiday weight you gained." I know some of you reading are probably like... wow Linds...you are stupid. But seriously... this is an everyday battle for me. Somehow, lol, I made it out and about.. Later I received a text from my best friend, who told me how icky she was feeling as well because from time to time she experiences difficulty with maintaining her skin due to environmental factors. She expressed her feelings of ugliness and undesirability. I shared mine. She said that she felt like all she was doing was comparing herself. I replied, "oh you too?" And then our conversation moved onto something less trivial... This afternoon I talked to another good friend of mine, who recently ended a very controversial relationship with an ex boyfriend. She told me that in a rather heated dispute, the very clever young man told her he was happy that things had ended because she had "gained so much weight" and was now "fat." In accordance with my disbelief and immense desire to have a chat with this young man... I saw a strong, beautiful, confident girl now questioning herself solely on what some ignorant individual had said about her body....

Here in only a short few hours... three young women are feeling burdened by societal, relational, and self influence. It boggles my mind sometimes how much cognitive energy I pour into feelings and emotions on myself. If I could remove these negative and false mental constructs, what could I do with that brain power?! What other profitable and fruitful endeavors could I begin to explore? When did this society decide to pick apart people for what they look like? to make judgements on people's character, intentions, beliefs, and life goals based solely on their exterior? It is quite factual that people who are determined "attractive" have an easier time getting jobs, despite potential inadequacy in skill in comparison to the "less attractive" individual. In very worldly terms... what the Hellman's mayonnaise?

Genesis 1: 27 says,"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."- It says it right there people... We are made in the image of God, meaning... we have been created by 1. The image God had in mind of us and 2. Based on His true and real image. As an artist, I know that I have never painted the exact same picture twice. Each work I do is innately different than the other, with a different purpose to serve and a different meaning behind it. I believe that God, created us uniquely, each with a different purpose to serve, each with a different meaning behind it, and each with its own sacred beauty. Like all things... the sin of this world causes corruption. What better way for the devil to win than for us to be in constant comparison to those who the world sees "fit" and "beautiful" that there are those who spend their entire lives starving themselves or making themselves vomit to be able to have an "acceptable" body. That people in corrupted fashion industries would be telling girls that a size 0 is the new 2, the 2 is the new 4 and the 4 is the new 10. Where does that put women who are a size 20? Are they just disgraceful, undeserving beings? Or those who undergo at times life threatening plastic surgeries to have their faces molded and shaped, changed and idealized into something more aesethically pleasing...or dudes who put grueling amounts of pressure on their bodies through lifting unnatural amounts of weight or pumping their bodies full or steroids in order to reach acceptable "masculinity?" Why are we conforming? Why are we discriminating? Why aren't we embracing each other's differences?

God has warned us of these destructive lies. He tells us in John 17 that we are living "in the world," but we are "not of the world." I feel as though we need to slowly separate ourselves from pop culture and media and begin to see others with Christ's eyes. My prayer for us is that we can severe these thoughts from ourselves and begin to define beauty based on the soul and person inside the body rather than what we first perceive. The body after all, is constantly aging, dying... those we look to now to emulate now will one day be older, heavier, gray and wrinkled. But if their souls are ageless, youthful, loving, compassionate... I believe that beauty will shine through til some one's last breath. I eat my words here. I wrote this mostly for myself; This is my greatest battle but maybe you too can relate in someway... no matter what I feel today, I will stand firm in that beauty is in the eye of the Beholder, and that Beholder is Jesus. & for right now, that's more than enough for me....

I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows right well. Psalm 139.

If today is a tough day....

Let this be your heart cry...

start spreadin' the news.....

"One belongs to New York instantly; One belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years...."

This quote got me pumped for my trip next weekend to New York City. I must say there is no other place in the world I would rather be. New York, You have my heart <3.

from the inside,out...

Everlasting... Your light will shine when all else fades....http://www.flickr.com/photos/iko/106957481/

What a month. What a week.... What a yesterday... I know this has been a time for me to learn and to be stretching myself. Some very interesting experiences occurred this week, that I feel quite compelled to share.

One of my greatest struggles has always been comparing myself to others, mainly other women. I have always been confident in my character and personality, yet in the physical department, I must say, I have and do struggle daily. I know you may be thinking, "well gosh Linds, everyone does from time to time, that's normal," but let me assure you, this has been a demon that has haunted tortured me for many years now. I've compared myself to models, close friends... you name it. I believe I have a very distorted perception of beauty. But like all things, God is changing this.
He started by giving me amazing peace about a particular person in which I was in constant comparison. I'm not gonna lie, it was very sad and consuming. For some reason, this person was on my mind quite a bit. Last weekend, I interacted with this individual for a little bit, which allowed me to have some peace of mind... but it wasn't until Monday when they sent me SUCH a message of encouragement did I receive the peace I had been needing. This person is indeed beautiful and is on the same road that I am; seeking God first. I think the old me would have let my own insecurities fester... would have created feelings of jealousy and animosity towards this person. But God challenged me to rise above myself and to see her for who God made her. To love her as a sister in Christ. And I believe I have made a new friend....

Similar to this, God called me once again to let go of things I have clung to in the past that affect me. I think I had been convicted of this for quite some time, but I could not surrender this to Him. I wanted to keep my relationships to myself. God could have the rest of me, but my relationships were mine. He couldn't have that part of my heart. It's obvious that human touch is far more present and imminent than the touch of God. You get immediate satisfaction. I want a hug. he'll hug me. I need a shoulder to cry on. he'll lend his. I want physical intimacy. sure thing. At our fingertips. It takes far greater discipline and patience to let God, the true lover of your heart and soul and body meet those needs. For one, God doesn't put His physical arms around us when need it most, so naturally we will seek comfort from a human being... how I have learned that this is so temporary... and is ultimately unfulfilling. I realized that the reason why I've had quite a few failed relationships is because God was not the center of it. I kept it to myself, thought I knew best. Sure enough, I didn't. And if God is not the center of your relationship... it will fail. Perhaps that's why the divorce rate is so high. Are spouses today serving God together, loving Him more than their partner? I am not sure. All I know is that I have been blessed enough to finally have found a guy who put God before me. Who pointed me back to Him, even when I didn't want to hear it. This is all new for me, entirely. And even though I have no idea how to rise above and truly live this out, I have him beside me, to build me up, to challenge me, and remind me when I forget. Hopefully I will do the same for him, with the strength of Jesus.

Everything is different now. It has to be. The old ways have to go. To love, truly, it can never be the same. I have to be changed, from the inside, out....I don't know what challenges are before me, but...Bring it on...

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains, the art of losing myself in bringing You praise....

Wishes

God answered prayers today. Big ones. <3