Haiti, you are on my heart....

I am currently in the process of applying to a Missions trip to Haiti. The trip is scheduled for this summer in August and I must say since I applied it has been on my mind. I stumbled across this song when the great tragedy happened there. Now, once again, this song is significant to my heart.

Watch!

I rebuke you. for you have no hold over me

I know that it may be considered, "cautious" to some to speak of the devil. But here is the very real truth. he, is a very real truth. And a truth that exists to solely seek, kill and destroy each one of us, relentlessly.

It is quite strange, that as we draw closer to God, the devil seeks us more rapidly than before. I truly believe he delights in watching Christians fall above all others, because we carry the mark of Christ within us. How joyful for him to delight in our weaknesses, when we drag Christ's cross through the mud.                                 

he possess an ability to enter into those lonely corners of our human self.. in which he can grab a hold of the desires that we try our best to abstain from... or run from ... or push from our minds... yet still exist. There is where he finds his foothold. There, in those places of doubt that exist in our hearts, he clings to and pours lies into us, with great fervor. For our defeat is his one and only conquest. 24 hours a day 7 days a week, for a life time. he is not sleeping friends. he is constantly waiting. constantly seeking. constantly attempting to destroy. destroy. destroy. 

oh he knows too well where I fall. what causes a bitter heart and a contrite spirit in me. he knows that I compare myself to girls who God designed differently than me. not better or worse. but differently. he twists my arm. and nearly breaks it off in hope for me to convince myself that they are better. that I am undesired. that I am not good enough. that I am defined by a number on a scale. by a pant size. he knows my great fatigue from long hours exhausted in academia. he tells me this is pointless, worthless, that time is wasting, that i no longer have strength to push onward even when the end is but days a way. he creates a feeling that it is never ending. he lies and eggs on my frustrations. he knows that my flesh is weak. and that the desires of my heart are not always the purest. and that I long for intimacy. he tells me that its ok to cave. that its acceptable. he whispers that its not that big of a deal. that i'll never be married, so what's the point trying to wait. there will never be a person for me in my future. he tells me to just do what i want whenever i want when i want. he knows the most bitter part of my heart: a broken relationship with an individual whom should serve as one of my greatest advocates. but instead is a constant example of what I never want to be. he breathes bitterness and a hard heart for this person. he tells me i don't have to forgive them. that i can't. that i've been too hurt to forgive the wrongs that they have done to me. that they aren't worth my forgiveness. he encourages hatred. and delights in when i crack and break and lose control. he delights in provocation. he delights. he delights.

Jesus himself, experienced the devil attempting to break his strength and focus... and used one of his greatest allies to do so. When Jesus explained to his disciples that he would be condemned to death and then raise on the third day,

"Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”

Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

Get behind me Satan. 

Get behind me Satan.

Get behind me Satan.

GET BEHIND ME SATAN. for you have NO hold over me.

Friends, stand with me tonight. Do not lose heart. I come before you as your complete equal. I tell you this truth. the devil is a very real truth. But there is not greater truth than Jesus Christ. He has defeated Satan. and HIS SPIRIT LIVES IN US! Take back your strength. Take up your cross. And know that Jesus Christ holds it with you! He will come up under you and give you strength beyond your wildest dreams. Believe! Lord Jesus I pray for whoever is reading this, that they will know that they have YOUR heart inside of them. & that through You, they can conqueror every lie that the devil relentlessly tells them. Oh Lord Jesus, You delivered me in my darkest hour, when the devil laughed at my demise. There in that glorious hour, You cried out GET BEHIND ME SATAN. & so he did. And chains were broken. And I was set free. And old ways disappeared. And a steadfast heart was placed in me. And Lord, nights like tonight, when he tries again.... I praise You for what You have already done. So that every night like tonight Lord, I can rise again. and again. and again. Under Your great wings.... Under Your Great Wings....

Friend. Tonight know, that our flesh is weak... but God will never, ever, fail. & satan will never, ever win... for he is behind us.... and we are free...

“Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” Matt 16:28

& I may be weak. But Your Spirit's strong in me... 

& my flesh may fail... but my God, You Never Will

It's not enough.... & I, I wish it was...

this morning I just have so many thoughts. Not quite sure which direction I am heading in. Not sure what decision is the right one. All I know is that this song has been on repeat in my car, and in my head. Hopefully, something will result from it's significance. I pray this morning for my heavy heart. & for direction, not only for myself, but for those closest to me...

I'm sorry if this hurts you,
but I tried to keep what we had once, I was wrong
it wasn't keeping me awake,
you didn't listen, you didn't hear me,
when I said I want more I got no more,
you weren't stealing me away.....
All the memories that we're losing
all the time that I spent with you everyday
I think it's running down the drain
I'm feeling, that we're fading
don't make this as hard as you think it would be
it's a lot easier than it seems yeah

It's not enough
it's not enough to get me what it is I want
it's not enough
it's not enough to get me everything I need...

And I can feel were falling down
slowly,slowly
I can see us starting to drown
Can't stop it now
I can see we're burning out
so show me, show me
how your gonna turn it around?
because...

It's not enough
it's not enough to give me what it is I want
it's not enough its not enough to get me everything I need
and I, I wish it was
I think its time, to give this up...
It's not enough
it's not enough
it's not enough
it's not enough
It's not enough
It's not enough, for me...

I can never thank You enough....

He was pierced for our transgressions, 


He was crushed for our iniquities; 


the punishment that brought us peace was 


on Him, 


and by His wounds we are healed.

I can never thank You enough for Your great out pour of selfless love. You were perfect. I'll never quite understand the mystery of Yourself. & I will never understand why I was good enough for You... 

But what I do know, is that You were the definition of courageous. Your strength was beyond anything that I will ever endure. Your obedience to Your Heavenly Father was sealed with Your self sacrifice. Your suffering left the greatest mark on human creation. You are God. You are my God. You are my best friend, my dearest Advocate. The only fit counselor. The only refuge in whom my soul longs for. You are deserving. You are the beginning. the end. 

You are the reason that I sing.

You are the one who saved my life.

You are the one who loves me most.

Who walks beside me when all others leave me.

You are the only one who can satisfy the deepest needs of my heart.

I will never be able to thank you enough...

<3

A Year Ago, Today

Walking bents around the park, feeling the amazing warm breeze on my face, I was confronted with the thought of what happened a year ago, today.

The weather, quite opposite than today, was raining and chilly. A misty downpour if I remember correctly. A year ago today I was in a car accident. Although no one was hurt, I did have a momentary loss of coherence and I did have to go the hospital. I won't lie, being put on the stretcher was pretty traumatizing. I think the worst part was that no one would talk to me in the hospital. I remember that all to well. It was like I was an inanimate object. I remember being so scared. 

Believe it or not, the accident was completely symbolic of my life at the time. I was a total car crash. I think that day was the breaking point. I was in a potentially life compromising situation & I'm not even sure if I prayed that day.... goodness. 

My car was totaled. I was totaled. 

Thinking back to that horrible day, that haunted me for months to follow & still affects me when I'm in a car, it seems both incredibly distant and recent at the same time. I can recall almost every detail prior to the cars colliding and every thing at the hospital, yet it feels like it was in another life... 

I think what overwhelms me the most is how much has changed since April 21st, '10. The people I was friends with that day are different. My look on life is different. My attitude is different. Even the weather, is drastically different. I am drastically different. And all for the better, I believe :)

I think sometimes when our lives have become overridden by havoc, and when we have strayed too far off the path that God set out for us, sometimes the only way He can catch our attention, is through something as drastic, devastating and impressionable as a car crash. At least it had to be that way for me.

Today, however April 21st '11, is off to a good start. It is glorious out, despite my allergies. This afternoon, I am heading to Salisbury, MD to spend Easter weekend with my best friend Cristina. A weekend of homework-mastering, clarity, and celebrating the holiest day of the year with one of my dearest friends seems like a great idea.

I also find it amusing that one month from this day, May 21st, I will be graduating college. One month til graduation?..... It just doesn't seem real.

Today I am celebrating April 21st. A day that marks great change, great joy, and great anticipation for things to come ... <3

JOB 33:26  He prays to God and finds favor with him, he sees God's face and 

shouts for joy; he is restored by God to his righteous state.

Your Great Name: Oh Jesus....

In light of holy week, I have been doing some reflecting on life, where I am in my spiritual walk, & what growth or insight has occurred over the past almost 40 days.

I have so many thoughts/desires/things to potentially write about, and am hoping to do over the next few days. But tonight, I simply wanted to share a song, that I am sure you have heard, although I hadn't heard until last Friday.

This song, has been on repeat. Over and over, in my thoughts, on my mind, its been kinda crazy. I find myself singing it and not even realizing it. There is so much truth in this song.

With Easter quickly approaching, we will be recalling Christ's great sacrifice & defeat over death. This song, for certain, is my anthem. Give it a listen, I hope we can all share in this together<3

& all the world will praise, Your Great Name

Beloved. dearly Beloved.

The dearest word to my heart.

As many know, I finally got my first tattoo. The scariest yet most invigorating day of my life ha.
In all seriousness, getting a tattoo, I feel, is not something that should be taken lightly. At least for me. This was something that would essentially become a part of me. Something that couldn't be washed away or would eventually disappear. This was permenant. I knew that I wanted to have one, but I wanted its meaning to be something far beyond just a cultural trend....

It was last summer that I heard the song "Beloved"by Tenth Avenue North. I was in the back seat of my moms car, and it was playing amidst the conversation. It seemed to just be like any other song... until I heard,

"You're My Beloved. Lover I'm yours.
& death shall not part us, it's you I died for.
for better or worse, forever we'll be.
My love, it unites us & It binds you to me.
It's a mystery."

Beloved..... You're My Beloved.... Beloved....

This rang a tune, deep in my heart. Despite the fact that I had heard this word many times before, this time it was different. There was a deeper meaning... a more significant meaning...

Months had passed. And I came across the term once or twice more... again, the same resounding notion of peace... and an erie accord struck with my heart.... I had the opportunity of hearing a song at Aletheia Church, in which the lyrics were,

"I am the Lord your God & you're My Beloved child." - again, the feeling!

What on earth was it with me and this word? I could not help but feel as though it was the name in which God would address me, when I first see Him, face to face.

Wanting to know more about this precious word, I looked "Beloved" up in the bible... get ready!

"Let the Beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rest between His shoulders" Deuteronomy 33:12

"How is your Beloved better than others? most beautiful of women?
How is your Beloved better than others, that you charge us so?....

......My lover is radiant and ruddy, 

outstanding among ten thousand" Song of Songs 5:9-10

"What is My Beloved doing in my temple as she works out her evil schemes with many? Can consecrated meat avert your punishment? When you engage in your wickedness, then you rejoice?" Jeremiah 11:15 {boy did that one pull a heart string}


"Dearly Beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord." Romans 12:19 


I know that this has great meaning. I know that God calls not only me, but you as His Beloved. You need to know tonight that God longs to reveal to you His eternal love for you. That He has set you apart. And that He has called You to His purpose. 

I knew as soon as I heard it. I knew that it was it. It was my statement not only to the world, but to myself, that I was finally found. That I finally heard Him calling my name, He was calling me, Beloved. For so long, I just didn't want to hear Him.... <3

"Place Me as a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame." Song of Songs 8:6